First, the underlying logic of intimacy.
It is often heard that falling in love with someone gives ta the right to hurt herself. Because true intimacy will inevitably expose one's vulnerability. In fact, I long for intimacy, but I may not be able to control intimacy. There are many examples of being bitten by relatives and getting black and blue. By understanding the underlying logic behind mutual harm in intimate relationships: recognize your own needs and consciously manage this intimate relationship.
Second, the cross-border and out-of-control of intimate relationship.
We must have this experience: the closer the relationship between two people, the more you will feel that you can be unscrupulous in the relationship, and what you say and do is often beyond your imagination. We will think this recklessness is a sign of closeness. But the other side of this intimacy is: crossing the line and getting out of control.
As the relationship becomes more and more intimate, our interaction with each other becomes more and more unrestrained and limited, and we no longer seriously consider the impact our words and deeds will have on each other. But in fact, this lack of discretion and boundaries can easily make us inadvertently offend our loved ones in intimate relationships.
Third, the unsynchronized open self.
Intimacy means that two people get close to each other, break through each other's psychological defense line bit by bit, and even gradually merge into one, and the boundary between you and me becomes very blurred. However, at different stages, how many psychological defense lines each person is willing to open to the other party, its rhythm and preference are different.
When two people have different preferences for intimacy, injury is easy to happen. For example, if the intimacy required by our partner is beyond our tolerance and boundaries, we will feel uncomfortable, unsafe and even anxious.
Fourth, the ability to handle differences.
We will unconsciously want to push each other away, draw a circle, and let each other keep a comfortable psychological distance, so as to continue to get along with him comfortably. In other words, we don't mean to hurt each other, but we just hope that the relationship model is more comfortable for me. But in the eyes of the one who wants to be closer to you, this is naked rejection and injury, that is, "not loving" and "abandoning".
It is important to learn how to communicate and express your feelings and needs properly, and at the same time listen to each other's feelings and needs effectively. Help you understand the differences between people and how to deal with the differences in intimate relationships in long-term relationships.
Fifth, constantly test each other's bottom line.
Our behavior depends not only on our own feelings and cognition, but also on the object we get along with-what kind of framework and boundary he shows. By testing the bottom line, we will know where each other's boundaries are and adjust our behavior in the relationship. Why do we like to test each other's boundaries in intimate relationships and even make each other uncomfortable? Because we will use this way to measure how much the other party is willing to invest or pay for us to prove that I am a preference and an exception.
Sixth, the mapping of self-punishment.
Does this reason sound a little unreasonable? But there really are such people who intentionally or unintentionally hurt the people they love, perhaps to punish themselves. Obviously, I will regret it. Why can't I control my hurtful words and actions? The fundamental belief behind this behavior may be "I don't deserve it". If a person's fundamental belief feels that he doesn't deserve love and happiness, he will unconsciously want to stop anything that goes against this fundamental belief.
Knowing yourself is the beginning of loving yourself.
If you realize that you have such a problem through this article, you might as well use these souls to torture yourself: what is the significance of punishing each other and yourself like this? What do you need to believe that you deserve to be loved and happy? Think back on what your lover has done for you and prove that you deserve to be loved. Why is he willing to stay with you all the time?
May you get what you want after crossing Qian Fan.