Now more than 300 days have passed, and I thought I would be happy, relaxed and creative during this period. These joys did happen, but in the process, I was intermittently accompanied by faint anxiety and weakness. It seems that you can never take things lightly, which is different from what I expected.
Some time ago, there was a great sense of meaninglessness. I don't think I am interested in doing anything. Everything seems dull, and there is even a sadness of "sorry to be a man".
I don't know where these things come from. I want to have free time, the comfort of my family, the support of my family, the cooperation of my friends, and the loving response of many partners, so that I can have the material foundation of the gap year ... I have everything I want. Why am I still so sad?
On the one hand, I will blame myself for so many years of self-growth, why I have encountered such challenges; On the other hand, the accumulation of growth has also given me space to allow myself, get close to myself and explore myself in various ways, so as not to be so flustered.
In addition to facing yourself, there is also the support of peace of mind partners. We will accompany each other internally every month. If anyone has any questions, please apply for the leading role to tell stories and accompany everyone. If not, we can also chat together. We say this is our way of life, and we should support others like this and accompany ourselves like this. So in one issue, I applied for the leading role, and told about my confusion and powerlessness during this time, until the empty and profound topic: Who am I? Why do people live? etc ......
None of my partners said, "Doug, hurry up, we have to do something", but told me:
This sense of shame, which seems to be eating and drinking well, thinking about the east and thinking about the west, being sad, confused and helpless, has been firmly grasped by my partners, and I am more stable myself. Yes, I didn't deliberately make trouble, deliberately failed, deliberately escaped, deliberately melodramatic, and my emotions flowed slowly.
Then we talked a lot, and I received a gift that my partner and I explored together:
That company calmed my mind and made me "cherish my discomfort", so my mind had more space, so I kept breathing and exploring with the mentality of "walking and watching"
Later in life, I seemed to "come back to life" slowly. I think since people just want to eat, drink and breathe, and since the house is in a mess and dusty and needs to be cleaned up, I will put aside so many distractions and stick to efficiency. I chose to surrender, return to the present, breathe bit by bit, mop the floor inch by inch, do a good job in daily life and concentrate on the air. Life seems to be getting clearer.
In the past, I always had two pictures in my mind: one was a hamster in a cage walking on a wheel, busy and repetitive, but I don't know why; A picture is walking on the rolling escalator of the subway, and people are moving forward. I can't stop, but I must move forward, or I will block the people behind me.
Whenever I talk about this picture, I often cry, and a feeling that I can't keep up with the rhythm and move forward passively surges up. Maybe in the process of growing up, in study and work, I often feel that I am worried about being left behind and keep moving forward, but it is very hard. Maybe it is efficient in the eyes of others, but when I see this picture in my heart, I always feel very sad, as if a helpless self is saying that the escalator has moved automatically.
So I want to give myself a pause to explore my own rhythm, but when I stop from the big inertia mode, I will also feel a lot of panic, fear and anxiety. I feel that I haven't done anything all day. Cooking and cleaning the house is a waste of time and I will be divorced from society ... So when I return to myself more deeply, the answer in my heart is to return to life, that is, to return to life, to return to life with food, clothing, housing and transportation.
But there is another worry. I can do this now, but the economy is not enough and I need to go back to the fast-paced "escalator". What should I do? With these vague pressures and confusions, and anxiety that I can't adapt to the society, I thought of Shuai Shuai, the teacher who led us to practice mindfulness.
Through previous study and communication, I am curious about him. I think maybe he can give me a new perspective. Now I also practice seeking more support. So I made an appointment with Mr. Shuai Shuai and Mr. Shuai Shuai. We met in a park where he was practicing mindfulness. I think this is just a change, and I will explore it with expectation and curiosity.
Before going, I made preparations and wrote down my curious and confused keywords: career, mission, sense of meaning, money and action.
When I arrived at the park, Mr. Shuai Shuai showed me around and found a quiet and suitable place with a seat. Listening to the sound of water around me, I feel magical, comfortable and precious. It is good to explore the chaos of life in such a place.
I began to talk about my confusion. I said I was a WTO member. I also want to do well, influence more people in need and create richness, but I can't seem to live broadcast, drainage and transformation. Those in the circle of friends are in full swing, and I'm not good at it. My other foot is born, and I want to get away from it, but I also want to consider survival, having children and so on. My foot is pulling, struggling and stuck. I have learned so much, I know I don't want a double perspective, but ideal and realization seem to be opposite. I'm tired, even tired of all this. ...
I said: I saw the way Shuai Shuai combined practice with reality. I have a lot of appreciation and curiosity. I want to visit you. Of course, you don't have to help me solve anything. You don't have to say anything you don't want to say. So we talked for about three hours. Teacher Shuai Shuai patiently and sincerely shared with me, which gave me great inspiration. (The following contents are not the original words that Teacher Shuai Shuai chatted with me, but I sorted them out and settled them according to my memory, and there are still many gains. )
Teacher Shuai Shuai gave me a sense of certainty, stability, freedom and self-confidence. I asked him, how did you find your mission and sense of meaning?
I thought he would say that he was influenced by a great event, and his family gave him unconditional love from childhood, so that he could be himself freely. ...
This subverts my cognition-born! Isn't it the unconditional love of family, the support and encouragement of teachers, and then the influence of a major event? Haha ~ this is the version of the self-righteous story I know. It turns out that people can really be "self-sufficient". Because I have done family education for several years before, my obsession with "coming from a family" has loosened again. Being born in a family is often an important environment for a person's early growth, but it can also be an influencing factor, not a decisive factor.
I tasted the difference between these two words. I often feel guilty when I want to do something but I can't satisfy the other person. Teacher Shuai Shuai will think it's just "inappropriate". Well done! For example, he thinks that being different is unique. When you see that you are different from others, you sometimes feel out of place, which really makes different people have different views and interpretation styles.
The picture in my mind is that the wind and rain outside will also affect Mr. Shuai Shuai's tree, but it doesn't seem to affect his foundation. He still believes in himself. But in my growing experience, many ups and downs will always shock me, even make me "uprooted", so difficult that I will collapse, such as family emotions, teachers' likes, classmates' comments, learning rankings, leaders' feedback, friends' words ... In short, the outside world may be turbulent, so I am anxious, worried, nervous, wronged, angry and afraid.
I am very grateful to Shuai Shuai for his sincerity, but when I heard this, I was a little confused. When I say Mr. Shuai Shuai, I feel as if you were born. You seem to be in Versailles, because you just know your heart and are determined to protect it. What should I do? All kinds of struggles are hard, which is like fatalism, or karma in previous lives. I'm so helpless, haha ~ But I don't think Mr. Shuai Shuai is "showing off". I'm joking. I feel that he is just sharing according to the facts.
I said, if everyone is self-sufficient, then why study?
Teacher Shuai Shuai mentioned a poem:
And a word from the Buddha:
After listening to this, I have a clearer understanding of the relationship between the two, and I am not contradictory or confused, so I am very at ease.
In the WeChat group we studied, one day he wrote with the words "Good morning and good luck":
I was especially inspired by the above, and the so-called feelings of helplessness, jealousy and loss of "self" seemed to dissipate and became unimportant.
This exchange, I still have a lot of confusion, accompanied by a sense of meaninglessness. Teacher Shuai Shuai told me that I often feel that what I do is worthless, and I especially hope to be affirmed by others. I won't be particularly happy when I get it, because I think this is what I should do. Even if the people I accompany give me great love and good feedback, I don't think I am so good. Sometimes I can't help it, because I think it would be better if Mr. Huck and Mr. Xuan were with me. But when I can't get good feedback, I am worried and disappointed; When the registration is not as good as I expected, when someone is invited to an activity and the other person doesn't come, and when the reading volume of the article I wrote is very low, I will feel a lot of loss and frustration, feeling that I am nothing and can't do anything well. And I will feel that many things are done for others, and sometimes I will be very tired and have no strength to continue.
I want to ask: Do you feel small and meaningless because of the existence of thich nhat hanh? Or if they already have such good wisdom, why don't they just be communicators and copy themselves? Besides, you wrote so much that I thought it was good. When reading is "not high" or few people come to participate in activities, will you be confused? You mentioned "effortless". Can you really do things effortlessly?
Looking back again, I shed tears when I wrote here, thanking the teacher for his sincerity and seeing. At the same time, I also saw how many "restrictive beliefs" I should have in these puzzles, such as:
These actually point to-I have no external evaluation of the so-called "success", I am worthless, I am not worth living, I have not done it, that is, I am not good enough, I am not working hard enough. ...
The deeper bottom here is how do I view the world? If I think the world is like a jungle competition, the strong survive and I am the weak, then I am not worth living. If I don't make some achievements, I am a failure. Perhaps this metaphor is also the driving force for me to move forward at a certain stage of my life. There are many stories behind it, but at the moment, I feel that it has stuck me and I can't live, so I want to thank you and put it down. I choose the world as the perspective of my journey, I experience and explore, and I don't measure myself by a unique standard.
I thought that in the years of self-growth, these familiar bottom words were still deeply rooted in my beliefs, and I saw them deeply. In the past, when I was studying and working, I was full of value because of external results such as academic performance and salary, because these were easy to see. Of course, I have inner joy and sense of accomplishment in this process, but when I quit the workplace and returned to myself, I saw that my inner sense of value was actually empty, so my heart was unstable.
I once told myself not to think like this, only at the spiritual level, but Shuai Shuai's sharing, from the heart, and seeing what he did with knowledge and practice, deeply touched us and "deconstructed" many of my inherent beliefs, such as making me realize that everyone is unique, the so-called boundary between teachers and peers is blurred or even melted, and every voice is meaningful, even if it is ".
After exploring these "selves", I began to think about the bigger picture. I told Mr. Shuai Shuai that I am often confused about the big situation, such as the fast pace of life, which makes it difficult for people to calm down and pursue quick results. No matter in work, life or family education, there are "sub-health", "utilitarian heart" and many anxieties ... Facing the pressure of life, we seem to give our children a natural growth and give ourselves some time. Seeing this, I will be worried and impatient, and sometimes I will feel out of place, lonely and strange. I just want to run away. You live in Beijing now, so do you. What are your ideas for the future?
When Mr. Shuai Shuai said this, it reminded me of my previous class with Mr. Huang Jindun. At that time, I asked my teacher in tears: Do you feel that sometimes what you do is very small and unpopular, and it feels very hard to go on? ...
The teacher responded to me with a gentle smile. I remember he said a lot of valuable words to me, especially: it has nothing to do with the public and the minority, and finally comes back to who you are. On this road, you can have your own friends, sometimes not many. For example, he has several important friends, such as Huck and Tang Qi.
Yes, if a few people pay attention to awakening, don't I need to pay attention? I'm not interested? Am I not confused? Let's go back to this question. Should I guard my true feelings? Do I want to be myself?
I once read in teacher Zhou Fan's book "When you begin to love yourself, the whole world will love you": Eckhardt said, "An enlightened person doesn't need everyone around him to be enlightened". At this moment, I have a deeper understanding of this sentence, not to mention that I have a reassuring partner.
The environment and the city will have an impact on a person, but once you are outdoors, a partner says: Where there is a sea in your heart, there are Maldives everywhere. Haha ~ although the environment will affect us, the heart is still very important. Shuai Shuai's sharing brought me back to my heart again.
Later, I also talked about money. Shuai Shuai's activities are generally happy in their hearts. He believes that "yoga is about selfless and indomitable work". I said, are you really not worried about money? Do you really think money is a sign of inner wealth?
I like the word "match" very much, and it also gives me a new view on many things, such as karma and causality in previous lives. As Mr. Huang Jindun wrote in the book "Life is the most worthwhile place to go": With the accumulation of life experience and the growth of age, I realize that there are many things that science cannot achieve. So I started looking in my way. I contact philosophy, sociology and spiritualism, and watch my life experience carefully. ...
I think this is the end of my life. Because of many methods and reasons, I can't melt my confusion. I came here and met Mr. Shuai Shuai by chance.
There are still many thoughts and feelings in the process, which are difficult to sort out in words. I want to take these chaotic and hazy seeds and slowly see the direction of life. Finally, it's getting late, and I'm hungry without fasting. I still want to talk a lot, haha ~ but I'm satisfied with talking here, and I want to go back to my life and digest it slowly.
When I walked out of the park, I also talked about breathing, because I sometimes feel bored and blocked. Teacher Shuai Shuai also let me experience the breath before running for a while.
Later, Teacher Shuai Shuai also shared it on WeChat:
Because the conversation was so rich, Teacher Shuai Shuai finally added it to WeChat, probably because she wanted me to experience it naturally without pressure. He said: if some concepts don't correspond to each other for the time being, just put them aside and do the corresponding parts yourself. It touched the teacher's mind and made me respect my rhythm more.
After returning home, one day, I was moved to tears when I remembered this experience. What kind of fate this is. May be the "fruit" of my endless pursuit and exploration. Maybe I pursued it with anxiety and confusion in my last life, but I didn't finish it. I can meet these all my life. Family, partners, friends, teachers, the touch and collision of various opportunities, so that I continue to receive various gifts.
Recently, my body and mind have changed again, and it seems clearer. I have also calmly discussed and created ways that are more suitable for our growth and work with my friends, and I have a lot of insights and inspirations. I want to stop treating this "meaningless feeling" experience as a problem, and then tell myself that if I solve it now, I will encounter another round of fear and struggle in the future. I want to think of it as an experience. I will feel everything that life has given me, and sometimes I do. If I can't do it sometimes, I just continue to experience it on the road.