The process of cocoon breaking is painful and full of hope.
They began to explore themselves, establish their own understanding, and find their own life value and direction; They are eager to gain equal social status with adults, and society gives them trust and respect in the adult ceremony. They want to complete the task of finding a partner, get recognition from the group, and may be excited about the opposite sex. In this process, how should parents and teachers empower children? Let's listen to the opinions of experts.
Guan Chenghua
Excellent Class Teachers and Normal Students in Beijing "No Cup"
Dai Yaohong
Director of Shanghai Youth Education Professional Committee
Zhanjun Wang
Dean of Beijing Huazhong Education Research Institute
Keywords (self-exploration and cognition "educator") Adolescent children's self-awareness has developed rapidly, but they have not yet formed a mature self-concept, which may overestimate or underestimate themselves, and sense of accomplishment and frustration appear alternately.
How should parents and teachers guide their children to face up to themselves, accept themselves and enjoy themselves? Hua Guan (For adolescent children, the phrase "breaking a cocoon into a butterfly" is particularly appropriate.
"Cocoon" refers to contradiction, confusion and anxiety. Due to physical and psychological changes.
The process of cocoon breaking is painful, and it is a struggle to compare with yourself.
Cocoon has another meaning. Puberty, adolescent phenomenon and misunderstanding of adolescent children in adult society.
Too much contact with adolescent children, I found that adolescent problems often go back to parents.
So, why is it "broken"? I think it is mainly "self-destruction" including self-discipline, introspection and self-healing. This process needs the help and encouragement of parents and teachers, not forced breaking.
Then, about the "butterfly", what emerges from the cocoon is an ordinary life. If the expectations of parents and teachers are too high, they will have a heavy cocoon.
Adolescent children's frustration is greater than their sense of accomplishment, and they are often criticized by teachers and condemned by their parents. Everything they do seems to be wrong.
Frustration will strengthen teenagers' resistance.
I want children to face up to themselves, accept themselves and appreciate themselves. In my opinion, this is not a question of how to guide them. Parents and teachers should not have the consciousness of making enemies first. Instead of setting up defensive walls, we should face up to adolescent children, accept their shortcomings and give more attention and love. Children will naturally face up to and accept themselves.
I often use five fingers to explain the five criteria for evaluating children. Thumb, the first is health. The lower index finger indicates mental health; Middle finger, the highest, refers to quality and personality; The ring finger represents the ability, which is the need of today's society; The little finger is academic performance.
I hope parents and teachers can use this standard to re-evaluate their children and find their bright spots.
Adolescence is a period full of contradictions in life. Get carried away when you succeed, give up when you are frustrated, sometimes feel powerless, and sometimes feel that you have nothing. This is the portrayal of youth.
The experience of youth is the best textbook. In this process, most children carry out self-education, self-reflection and self-consciousness, gradually discover their own value, gather the strength of life, and make clear the direction of life.
Some children may fall into an unbearable predicament, confused and unable to extricate themselves.
Many teachers and parents think sympathy, comfort and encouragement are the best help.
They said to the depressed children. "You were laborious. You are already excellent. Failure is nothing. You have a long future. There are many opportunities to come again.
However, now adolescent children can't get past the hurdle in their hearts. Their inner monologue is that although the future is still long, this time is the most important. I tried very hard, but I still failed. I'm not okay at all.
Educators don't want to comfort their children with unimportant big talk and empty talk.
What they want is not how to see a little setback, but a concrete solution to the problem.
Faced with the same setbacks, children with different growth and personality need different guidance methods, some need similar methods, some need provocation, and some just need companionship.
Not all children need sympathy.
Some children are very sensitive and have strong personalities. It is easy to despise others' sympathy, mistakenly think that you are looked down upon, and then fall into a deeper sense of inferiority.
Not all children need encouragement.
Some children are particularly weak, and the more you encourage them, the greater the pressure. For "sensible" and "obedient" children, educators' "I believe you can do it" will become a great burden, and fear of disappointing others' expectations will often lead to a deeper sense of inferiority.
Educators: The "post-00 generation" have richer material and educational resources, which make them think more independently and pay more attention to their own space and freedom.
How should parents and teachers help them find the value and direction of life in the "post-00" adolescence? Wang Zhanjun: With the improvement of material conditions, information channels are becoming more and more abundant. After 00, children's physical needs have been better met, and their psychological needs have become more prominent. They need to gain a sense of belonging, respect and recognition in their communication, and pursue equality and fairness.
In addition, due to the abundance of information acquisition channels, children's access to learning resources has shifted from family to society, mainly the Internet, especially some families whose parents don't like learning. Children find that their parents can't meet their learning needs at an early age and fully integrate into the virtual space.
At the same time, with the rapid growth of knowledge and the subdivision of disciplines, talents need to master more and more knowledge in the future, which means to some extent that children's school study stage is prolonged and they enter the society later and later, so that the duration of children's psychological adolescence is longer than that of physical adolescence.
Guan Chenghua: To help children find the value and direction of their lives, a very important premise is that parents set an example. Parents' three views have a great influence on adolescent children.
Some children see the dark side of society and spread negative energy. How is it caused? Although there are social factors, I think the main reason is family.
In addition, it is necessary to reduce the oppression and denial of adolescent children.
Teachers, in particular, can't divide students into three grades. In addition, you should not put too much pressure on a rebellious child. A teacher's careless words may make children lose confidence, rolling in the deep.
Keywords (parent-child relationship "educator") Adolescence, whether parents or children, is a challenge and transformation.
In the face of children's change and resistance, many parents are "at a loss".
For parents, how should they view their roles, treat their children and reposition themselves? Huaguan (the "inconvenient hands and feet" of many parents actually stems from the "doing nothing" before the children have changed.
Adolescence is neither accidental nor instantaneous, and there is no definite time point.
I would like to remind parents of children under 12 that their adolescence is a phased process. Before that, parents need to do something and make some preparations.
Adolescent children have strong psychological demands for attention, understanding and respect. This is what I deeply felt after more than 40 years of empathy with many adolescent children.
Let's say "seeking attention" first.
I think when children are young, it is enough for mom and dad to eat, drink and have fun together.
However, as children's self-awareness grows, they begin to seek attention.
On the surface, I don't want to be controlled by my parents, but I hope my parents can pay attention to what they should pay attention to.
For example, parents should discover and pay attention to their children's hobbies, psychological activities and small needs in time, so that children can feel that what parents care about is not his grades, but him.
And "seeking understanding"
Parents and teachers in China often complain: "Always let me understand them, who understands us?"
Indeed, the efforts of parents and teachers deserve to be understood and affirmed.
But adolescent children are minors, educated people, and their physical and mental development is still immature.
One of my ideas is "the understanding between teachers and students, and the understanding between parents and children can be delayed".
Parents and teachers should know their children in time in order to communicate better; Children's understanding of adults is that things will pass for a while and pass for a while.
The second is "seeking respect".
No matter how bad the grades are, children have self-esteem.
For example, there is an 8-year-old boy who is very naughty. The head teacher is very arrogant to him and always pulls him out by the neck.
After I know this situation, tell the boy how you feel when the teacher grabs the collar around your neck and pulls it out. He said-the word.
I asked him, "Who do you hate?" I asked. He said this. "Hate teachers, hate laughing at classmates.
"I was resentful, not because I was pulled hard by the teacher, not because the tables and chairs fell down, nor because the stationery was scattered, but because my self-esteem was hurt.
In short, parents and teachers can only get closer to their children and effectively solve the contradictions and problems in reality, rather than condescending.
Wang Zhanjun: Children need easy-going consultants. I hate gestures, housekeeper.
After the child is born, parents naturally become the stewards of the child's life.
Parents take their children to learn various skills, and children will also show off their progress to their parents and get their parents' affirmation.
After entering adolescence, children will feel embarrassed to ask their parents for everything, and they no longer need to leave their parents to let others decide.
So parents face three choices. First, they are not allowed to do what they have to do, which leads to both losses. The second is to completely let go and become the so-called Buddha parents, which is actually an escape. The third is to adjust the mentality, the housekeeper can not become a consultant, from control to help.
Between letting go and disciplining, every family should strike a balance.
It is important that parents should keep emotional contact with their children, whether they are strict or relaxed.
On the premise of understanding and respecting children, parents can adjust their children's discipline to a certain extent.
The general principle is to let go for a long time, always care, correct occasionally, and wait for the flowers to bloom.
The physiological development of adolescence brings a sense of maturity to children. They seek equal social status with adults and long for the trust and respect that society gives them as adults. At present, they have very high requirements for children's right to speak.
What should parents pay attention to when communicating with their children? Guan Chenghua: Smart parents can listen to their children's voices.
Most parents in China are used to speaking by themselves and letting their children listen.
For example, decorating the house and buying furniture and electrical appliances, parents will be very happy if they can discuss with their children. Adults really think of themselves as members of the family.
I now have a 28-year-old student who is studying abroad and often gives me psychological counseling, and the scene reappears.
She said such things to me. When I was in junior high school, I did my homework in my room. In the living room, everyone is drinking tea and chatting. It's disappointing, I whispered when I opened the door. "Mom, can you keep your voice down? Affect homework.
",mother's reply is" it's just that you have a lot of things. Does this affect you? You didn't notice. You should write in the garage.
"This incident was recorded by her in the form of a diary and will remain in my heart forever. I can't let it go until today.
Yao Hong (If there is a second "weaning period" in life, it is adolescence.
The first physiological weaning is inseparable from children; When weaning for the second time, it is often parents who can't let go.
In the eyes of parents, children may never grow up.
But in the eyes of adolescent children, parents are no longer people who are always dependent, unconditionally worshipped and lingering.
This is not to say that you don't love your parents, but your psychological growth.
Adolescent children think that they are important members of the family and should have equal status with their parents.
First of all, parents accept their children's growth, feel happy and proud of "seeking equal status", understand their children's needs of "fighting for the right to speak", resolutely accept and reasonably accept their children's reasonable demands when they have conflicts with their children, and how to deal with conflicts.
Secondly, parents should recognize their children's "independence", give them full trust and respect, and let them try, find, correct, make fewer mistakes and really grow up.
They need the opportunity to face the wind and rain alone, and the family must be the harbor where youth sails, not the reins that never let go.
Finally, parents must be good at showing weakness. With the development of society and the growth of children, there will be more and more things that parents can't do by themselves, and they will definitely not keep up with their children's footsteps.
Proper display of weaknesses can not only satisfy the "maturity" of children, but also better cultivate their courage and sense of responsibility.
Keywords: social communication "educator": Adolescence is a particularly important socialization process in the growth of teenagers.
In this period, they must be recognized by the group, care about the views of their peers, but at the same time they are extremely sensitive.
According to the characteristics of children now, how should we guide children into a sound society and cultivate their ability to communicate with others? Hua Guan: Interpersonal communication ability is a very important ability, and it should be guided correctly when you join the collective from kindergarten.
After entering adolescence, children's interpersonal awareness and ability have a certain trend.
At this time, what parents can do is to set an example.
Some parents complain about their colleagues and bosses in front of their children, sowing bad seeds for their children's interpersonal communication, criticizing others and shirking their responsibilities.
In addition, parents should advocate and guide their children to communicate with others more, instead of letting them close themselves.
In addition, I think it is necessary for parents to pay attention to the problem of mobile phones. Mobile phones are likely to be an obstacle to cultivating children's social skills.
Many children are addicted to mobile phones, and communication with people is also through mobile phones. Face-to-face communication between people is less and less.
This is very unfavorable for the child's future development.
Wang Zhanjun: In adolescence, a child must decide four tasks by himself-to be different, to leave his parents and to find a partner.
In the challenge of finding a partner, many parents turn a blind eye to the pressure and hesitation faced by their children.
To this end, parents must consider these issues as soon as possible, fully understand their children, and make preparations in advance.
For example, what are the hobbies of children? What's your specialty? What's so lovely about personality? Do you have confidence? When you go to a restaurant at the age of five, do you dare to say hello to the waiter? If parents don't exercise their children, they will have no friends and be bad at communication when they enter adolescence. They said to their children, "You can't stay at home all the time. Communicate more, be bold and don't be afraid.
This can't go on. What about your future job? "These words are actually useless.
The problem of children is not a problem of attitude, nor a problem of determination, but a problem of ability.
Courage is also an ability. "Don't be afraid" is of no practical help to children.
My daughter was timid when she was a child, but when she was three or four years old, I consciously exercised her.
For example, when I was thirsty in the park, I bought you mineral water.
She said, "Dad, I can't open it.
I said. "Dad can't help you for the time being. Can you ask that aunt to open it? " She looked at me, looked at others, and was very hesitant.
I encouraged her. "Give it a try, dad can be with you? Slowly, she gradually broke through herself, and I will encourage her to have more challenging contacts.
It is difficult for only children to get the experience of interacting with their peers. Parents can give their children opportunities through family communication and let them master the ability to communicate with others as soon as possible.
Parents should be tolerant of their children and don't interfere too much in their choice of friends.
In addition, parents' making friends has a strong demonstration role for children. Parents' personality is healthy, perfect and strong, and children can easily master the corresponding abilities.
"Educator") After children enter adolescence, with the dramatic changes in menstruation, their psychology will also undergo subtle and complicated changes, and they will have a good impression on the opposite sex.
At this time, how should parents and teachers guide their children to treat them correctly? Crown: Here, let me explain three concepts. First, adolescence is a period of time, and everyone has to walk.
Adults should never belittle and label "adolescence".
Secondly, adolescence is a psychological change caused by physical development, which urges children to take some behaviors that adults can't understand, such as locking drawers, closing doors and making phone calls, and having a good impression on the opposite sex.
After every child enters puberty, the body will appear puberty more or less.
Third, children with adolescent problems. They fell down at this critical moment of adolescence. For example, there are reborn children, gentle children, and children who hurt others. But this is definitely a minority. But now many parents want to treat adolescent children as problems, which blindly expands the scope of attack.
Parents and teachers should first have a correct understanding of adolescent children's affection for the opposite sex, and losing their temper on this issue is not conducive to solving the problem.
And I also want to remind parents and teachers that generally speaking, the more extroverted children, such as chasing to write notes to the opposite sex, have no problem.
On the contrary, the more superficial it is, the more likely it is to go wrong.
In short, parents and teachers should not prematurely label children who have a good impression on the opposite sex as "puppy love" and should not be overly nervous.
But as parents, we must pay attention to let children master the bottom line.
Wang Zhanjun (a family with problems caused by children's "love") has the characteristics that parents don't forgive and talk for a long time, and children don't understand "love" for a long time.
As long as the child is curious, scared, sneaky and guilty, he will put a beautiful process in a very tense, painful and sinful situation.
Many children's love is short-lived and does not necessarily point to the future.
Children may be curious, but if some parents interfere or object, children will become stubborn.
Why is this happening? Adolescent children have the will to make their own decisions, so for children at this stage, "my" mistakes are better than "your" mistakes.
Therefore, for children's "love", parents should guide, not prohibit, and make "love" a beautiful thing in life, not a scourge. Talk to your child about this topic as soon as possible.
The more we respect children, the more they will carefully consider the gains and losses of their actions.
Yao Hong: First, early education.
Parents and teachers can discuss love with their children before they enter adolescence, convey the correct view of love to their children through other people's stories, and accept the opinions of adults easily.
Second, don't shoot ducks in a hurry.
When a child is in love, blindly "hitting a mandarin duck with a stick" may be counterproductive.
Parents can put themselves in their own shoes, understand their children's needs and true feelings, give them more family warmth and psychological support, express their concerns appropriately, educate their children about sexual knowledge and self-protection and give them full trust.
Third, lead by example.
Parents are role models for their children. Parents' words and deeds and "three views" will profoundly affect children's growth. Therefore, when dealing with heterosexual communication and marital relationship, parents' behavior must conform to social norms.
End—
Source "Educator", April 2, 2023, the original title "Embrace the youth of" breaking the cocoon into a butterfly "
Author | Li Huangshuo, an education teacher of this journal
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