Cheng Yuanjie
Chapter 1: Yuan Hunting Under the Microscope
Every hospital is a concentration camp of germs.
The first member of the human race to explore this was Ding Yonghui.
After graduating from medical school, Ding Yonghui went to work in the laboratory department of a large, historic hospital. Ding Yonghui liked to sit in front of a microscope in his white coat and look down at the microscopic world.
Whenever Ding Yonghui gazed at the bacteria and germs under the microscope, he could not help but have the strange thought that he was God. God, Ting thought, might look at humans the way he looked at bacteria.
It was a morning so quiet it was a little hard to bear. Since the health care reform, the number of people coming to the hospital has been decreasing day by day. It is only then that people realize that the publicly funded health care system is the number one killer of people's illnesses, or else they would stop going to hospitals overnight after the health care reform.
Ding Yonghui concentrated on the germs under the microscope, taking notes as he watched. Ding Yonghui plans to write an academic paper on germs, and he's collecting first-hand materials.
After completing his notes, Ding was ready to insert the rectangular glass slice with the germs in it into a sterilizing solution to clean it.
"Please don't kill me!" The voice startled Ding Yonghui.
Ding Yonghui looked back around the lab, he was alone. Ding Yonghui shook his head vigorously, he thought it was his tinnitus, which had appeared in the past few days after Ding was suffering from a heavy cold and fever the day before.
Ding reached under the microscope for a glass slide.
"Again, please don't kill me!" The voice came back.
This time Ding Yonghui heard it quite clearly, and he judged the voice to be coming from under the microscope. Ding Yonghui brought one eye up to the microscope.
"It's me begging you." A germ said to Ding Yonghui, "If you put me in the sanitizer, I might die."
"You're talking to me?" Ding Yonghui was incredulous.
"It's me." The germ said, "You can see my expression when you magnify the microscope."
Ding Yonghui twisted the microscope's magnification knob.
"See, it is indeed me talking to you." The germ's mouth opens and closes.
Ding Yonghui, who had prided himself on being a die-hard friend of Pipil's since childhood, didn't think he'd ever have a Pipil-esque experience in his life.
Ting said, "How can you cry out to the doctor for help when you're a germ? The doctor is your enemy."
The germs said, "I'm not just any germ, I'm an artifact. Kill me and you'll be breaking the law."
"I break the law by killing you?" Ding Yonghui laughed, "You are clearly a germ that plagues humanity, how can you be a cultural relic?"
"My name is Yuan Hunting, my surname is Yuan, how is it not a cultural relic?"
"Surname Yuan is a cultural relic? What logic!"
"Which famous person in your human history has the surname Yuan? Think about it."
"There's no one famous with the last name Yuan!"
"Anyone who can sit in this room has a college degree, right?"
"That's right."
"Thanks for going to college, you don't even know Yuan Shikai?"
"What does Yuan Shikai have to do with you?"
"I'm the germ on Yuan Shikai!"
"Nonsense!"
"No one has ever doubted my birth. You can test ah, Yuan Shikai was hospitalized in your hospital, I was the one he left in your hospital during that hospitalization."
"Don't talk nonsense, my elementary school classmate Li Xia is now an expert in modern Chinese history at the city's social science institute, I'll call her."
"Great, you call. I can also tell you Yuan Shikai stayed in your hospital to get celebrity sperm bank inflammation disease."
Ding Yonghui had never heard of this disease and asked,
"What kind of disease?"
"Celebrity sperm bank, to put it bluntly, is called scrotum."
"A scrotum is a scrotum, and a celebrity sperm bank!"
"That's what you don't understand, the same scrotum, for celebrities, it's a celebrity sperm bank. For ordinary people, it's dog balls!"
"According to you," Ding Yonghui laughed, "my scrotum is dog's balls?"
"You will definitely be a celebrity in the future, a big celebrity." Yuan Hunting said, "As long as you don't kill me, I can make you a celebrity. And your scrotum will be upgraded from dog balls to celebrity sperm bank."
"Bullshit."
"We'll see if you don't believe me, as long as you don't kill me."
Ding Yonghui found his address book and called Li Xia.
Ding Yonghui dialed the number and said,
"CASS? Please find Li Xia."
Li Xia said:
"I am. You are?"
"Can't even hear me? I have a cold. I'm Ding Yonghui."
"Hello, why did you remember to call me?"
"Something came up to consult you, the expert."
"Is there payback free?" Li Xia joked.
"Send you a good book."
"I'll have to answer your questions seriously."
"Familiar with Yuan Shikai?"
"I'm very familiar with Yuan Shikai, I'm working as a historical consultant for the TV series Yuan Shikai, and I'm thinking about him every day."
"Has Yuan Shikai ever been hospitalized?"
"He was hospitalized in the hospital where you are now."
Ding Yonghui froze, and he couldn't help but glance at the microscope.
Ding Yonghui asked,
"What kind of disease?"
"Inflammation of the scrotum. There seems to be a foot infection as well. You wait, I open the computer to check, I have to afford the set of books you sent me. ...... And hemorrhoids."
"Thank you. The day after tomorrow, Saturday, I'll send you the books. Bye."
"Keep your word. Bye."
Ding Yonghui hung up the phone and said to Yuan Hunting Hunting under the microscope:
"Yuan Shikai hospitalized light is the dog's egg inflammation?"
"Unbridled! How can you call Yuan Shikai's scrotum a dog's egg? You kill me!" Yuan Hunting protested.
"It's not easy for me to kill you? It's as easy as God killing people." Ding Yonghui said, "You don't want to live?"
"A soldier can be killed, but not humiliated."
"Okay, let's say Yuan Shikai's scrotum is a celebrity sperm bank."
"What even, it was meant to be!"
"What else is wrong with Yuan Shikai staying at our hospital?"
"That's all worthless. There were also hemorrhoids and foot infections."
Ding Yonghui said nothing.
"Am I wrong? Not the same as what your modern history expert said? That only means that your classmate is an impostor." Yuan Hun Hun Hun disparaged Li Xia in a dismissive tone.
"You are indeed a germ on Yuan Shikai. How many years have you been in our hospital? There are 100 years, right?" Ding Yonghui said in surprise.
"Pretty much. Let me tell you, every hospital in your human race is a germ clusterfuck, with all kinds of germs from all over the world clustered in the hospital."
"What germ clusterfuck, it's more like a germ concentration camp." Ding Yonghui retorted.
"A concentration camp is a concentration camp. You know, there are many germs from celebrities as famous as me in your hospital, such as Cai Yuanpei, Hu Shi, and a famous painter called what? A few days ago one of his posthumous paintings was auctioned for 20 million dollars! Why don't you auction off his germs? Your hospital is holding on to a golden bowl for food."
"Hold it, how is our hospital begging for food?"
"Fewer and fewer people are coming to your hospital nowadays, and look how your president's hair has turned white in a hurry. He did not inspire the doctors of your hospital to give the patients thieves expensive drugs? Isn't this tantamount to your hospital begging from the patients?"
"......"
A nurse pushed the door in to get something and she asked Ding Yonghui, "Who are you talking to?"
Ding Yonghui sniffled, "Talking to myself."
The nurse asked, "Your cold is still not over?"
"It's awful, and it lasts too long." Ding Yonghui pinched his forehead with two fingers.