The cornerstone of health "img _ height =" 383 "img _ width =" 900 "data-src ="//imgq8.q578.com/ef/0603/2ebbb9693c3de6cd.jpg "src ="/a2020/img/ Data-img.jpg. The cornerstone of health "img _ height =" 383 "img _ width =" 900 "data-src ="// Img q8. q 578. com "img _ height =" 383 "img _ width =" 900 "data-src ="//imgq8.q578.com/ef/0603/d1c8053594fe26.jpg "src. Family is a safe haven for each of us. What kind of family relationship is the most important, and what influence will family have on children's way of getting along? These are topics that growing parents are increasingly concerned about. We had an in-depth discussion with team experts on these topics.
1
The core relationship in the family,
Is it a husband-wife relationship or a parent-child relationship?
Dr. Liu:
For many families in China, children are the most important. In fact, in the core family relationship, the core is not the parent-child relationship, but the husband-wife relationship. Many psychologists at home and abroad agree with this view.
For example, teacher Zeng Qifeng, a famous psychologist in China, once said, "The relationship between husband and wife is the anchor of the family." Virginia satir, the founder of joint family therapy in the United States, believes that "the best gift parents can give their children is a happy marriage between husband and wife."
Why is the relationship between husband and wife the core of the family? Because once there is a problem in the relationship between husband and wife, it will definitely hurt the parent-child relationship.
At work, I found that some children often blame themselves for their parents' contradictions. I think it is because they are not good enough and obedient enough that their parents quarrel, and they always blame themselves.
If couples always solve problems by blaming and quarreling, children will not have high self-esteem and will not respect themselves and others. This kind of trauma may lead to a person's lifelong insecurity and desire for love.
Such children will be more sensitive, think more about what others say and do, and lack confidence in interpersonal communication.
At the same time, the relationship between husband and wife is not harmonious, even if it is a cold war or quarrel in front of children, children can feel it. Even some children will make some outrageous behaviors, trying to help their parents "reconcile" and leave their parents at home in this way.
If a child puts more energy into helping his parents maintain the relationship between husband and wife, then he may not have enough energy to develop himself normally.
Li Jiuju Therapist:
From the psychological point of view, husband, wife, father, mother and children, each role has its own position and each role has its own function.
Dr. Liu Huaqing:
I quite agree that the relationship between husband and wife is the core of family relationship and the relationship between husband and wife is the anchor of the whole family.
Let me add that the mode of husband and wife getting along, their words and deeds, and their way of communication will all be the objects of children's imitation.
If the husband and wife are harmonious, good at communication and respect each other, even if there are contradictions and quarrels, they will still focus on solving problems and make the family better, which will have a good influence on children.
A good relationship between husband and wife means a good relationship between parents for children. Such a family can provide a very good psychological foundation for children and give them a safe haven, from which children's sense of security also comes.
The cornerstone of health "img _ height =" 565 "img _ width =" 848 "data-src ="//imgq8.q578.com/ef/0603/94047209b67a3125.jpg "src ="/a2020. 2
How to interpret it
Parents are children's first teachers?
Dr. Liu:
Seeing this sentence, I began to reflect. As a parent, what can I teach my children?
In Saint Amethyst, people say that "it's the father's fault to raise but not teach", and the father here refers to parents. If we have children, we only care about feeding them and not educating them, which is the fault of our parents.
In children's childhood, parents should teach their children something more important than knowledge. For example, excellent moral quality and good behavior habits are all based on family. In the long run, a person's outlook on life, values and world outlook cannot be formed without the influence of parents.
We often mention that "constant companionship is not as good as high-quality companionship". High-quality companionship means that when you get along with your children, let them feel that their parents are accompanying and loving him wholeheartedly. Such companionship will make children's psychology healthier. If a child can be treated gently by his parents, he will also have the power of love to get along better with others.
Clinically, I often meet such parents, who are very strict with their children, but they can't do it themselves. For example, let children read books, but children are brushing their mobile phones to watch short videos; Let the children concentrate on eating, but play games while eating and so on.
So I think the meaning of "the first teacher" is actually to set a good example for children. The power of setting an example is more important than preaching the truth.
Li Jiuju Therapist:
My understanding of the sentence "parents are children's first teachers" should be that parents should think more about how to provide a better environment for their children to grow up.
British child psychoanalyst Winnicott once said, "If you provide a good environment for your child to grow up, he will naturally grow into a healthy and mature person like a towering tree."
Just like a sapling, if we can provide it with sufficient growth conditions, such as air, nutrition, sunshine and water, the sapling can naturally grow into a towering tree, and you don't need to teach it how to grow and where to grow. Even if there is wind and rain in the process of growth, it does not hinder its growth, because it has an inherent tendency to grow upward. As long as conditions are sufficient, it can grow into a big tree.
By the same token, if our family environment is relatively stable, parents' psychological structure is relatively mature, and they can feel and listen to their children, in fact, every child has a positive tendency and will naturally develop well.
When do parents need to teach their children and how to guide them? In fact, we can capture the answer. Children will send out all kinds of help signals when they grow up. What parents should do is to catch this signal in time and then give a timely and correct response.
Dr. Liu Huaqing:
We often hear the word "cat kicking effect", which means that parents are criticized by their leaders at work and get angry with their partners and beat and scold their children when they get home. After the child is angry, he should vent his bad feelings and kick the cat.
In fact, this is why parents, as the "first teachers", "teach" a series of negative emotions such as anxiety and irritability to their children. If parents often intimidate, criticize and abuse their children, then children will treat others like this; If parents often blame others at home, children may become such people.
The influence of the "first teacher" on children's emotions is very important. Parents can better digest their negative emotions, be a person with stable emotions, and make the family the first classroom for children to learn and manage their emotions better.
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Family relations are harmonious,
What does it mean for "small family" and "everyone"?
Dr. Liu:
As a psychiatrist, I will inevitably mention some diseases. Here is a set of clinical data to share with you: the survey results of junior middle school students in China show that the incidence of depression among middle school students is 42.3%, of which mild depression is 14.6%, moderate depression and severe depression are 15.3% and 12.4% respectively. The prevalence rate of depression among key middle school students is 40.4%, and that of ordinary middle school students is 40.4%.
These data can make us intuitively feel that the mental illness of teenagers and children can not be ignored, which will bring great troubles and burdens to children and families, and it is also a very serious problem in social development. These problems may be related to family disharmony. After many children come to the hospital, we will go back to see their families, and more or less we will find some factors of family disharmony, just in different forms.
Li Jiuju Therapist:
Family harmony is very important to individuals and society. On the one hand, the relationship between husband and wife is good and the family is stable, so parents can better devote themselves to work and contribute value; On the other hand, children are the future of the motherland. Only when you are physically and mentally healthy can you become a qualified builder and successor.
Therefore, a stable relationship between husband and wife, a harmonious family relationship and a good environment for children's growth are of great significance not only for parents to cultivate their children's physical and mental health, but also for the country's future talent reserve and social stability.
Dr. Liu Huaqing:
We speculate that if a person is loved and treated gently when he is a child, he can treat society with love and gentleness when he grows up. If a child is treated violently, belittled, or brought up in an atmosphere of family disharmony, then when he grows up, some dark sides in his personality may appear in various ways, causing harm to society.
In fact, we need not only family harmony and social harmony, but also a harmonious environment for the survival and development of our entire human race. This first requires children to have a beautiful childhood, all kinds of needs are met, and they grow up in an environment that is affirmed and appreciated. Then such children will not treat the world in a destructive way when they grow up.
If the family is harmonious and beautiful, the child's growth process will be beautiful, and his heart will be beautiful when he grows up, which is more conducive to social harmony and human harmony. Therefore, a harmonious family relationship is not only beneficial to a small family, but also of great significance to the normal operation of the whole society.
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If a person has serious problems,
Can all this be attributed to the disharmony in family of origin?
Li Jiuju Therapist:
Parents are something we can't choose, and family background has a profound influence on us. Many times, this is an unconscious influence, which will lead to an unconscious behavior.
When we meet some unexpected events, our first reaction is usually it. For example, children who are often accused from childhood may especially hate accusations at the level of consciousness and often tell themselves that "I will definitely not blame him if I have children in the future." However, when he really saw that the child was naughty and disobedient, his first reaction at the unconscious level was to blame.
In early childhood, we are greatly influenced by our family background, which may affect our behavior patterns and may cause many complicated feelings.
However, when we grow up, these can be changed through self-awareness. If you always allow yourself to live in that kind of unconsciousness, blaming all the problems on your family background is the result of lack of self-awakening and self-reflection, and it is also an irresponsible performance for your growth.
Dr. Liu:
In fact, we can try to push this proposition backwards: if a person does something wrong because he is from a family, then different children who grow up in such a family often have different fates. What is this?
For example, a pair of brothers were beaten and scolded by their father who was often drunk since childhood. When a person grows up, it is the same for his children. Another person has been rethinking and awakening, and has been adjusting his unconscious behavior to prevent such a situation from happening again in his small family.
So it depends more on the growth of the individual and how he views his past experience. This is actually an important point of psychotherapy-even if we can't change the pain in the past, we may change our view of pain and change the present and future.
The cornerstone of health "img _ height =" 571"img _ width =" 839 "data-src ="/imgq8.q578.com/ef/0603/a25e7299f7941b72.jpg "src = Dr. Liu Huaqing:
If you feel that there are many misfortunes and injuries in your childhood, there are two ways to alleviate them:
First, it is not shameful to seek the help of a psychiatrist. It is worth encouraging and praising to actively seek help to solve psychological problems in this era.
Secondly, I want to know more about psychology, have a clear mind about what my family background has brought me, what responsibilities I have to bear, and keep more awareness and vigilance, so that my life can be better and my small family relationship can be better.
No one can do everything perfectly, but parents should learn to reflect. If we realize that our bad influence on our children is brought to us by family culture, that we had such unpleasant experiences and suffered such psychological injuries when we were young, and that it is wrong to do so, then we should stop inheriting it more consciously and pass on this bad family culture to our next generation.
Parents really laid the foundation for their children's personality background, and childhood life really has a profound impact on a person. However, as parents in the new era, we can learn and grow all our lives, constantly know ourselves, improve ourselves and be responsible for our own happiness and mental health in the process of development, which is also the best example we can give our children as parents.
Beijing huilongguan hospital
Psychological ward for children and adolescents
Huilongguan hospital Children's Psychological Clinic was established in 2000, and Children's and Adolescent's Psychological Ward (Pediatric Psychological Ward) was established in 2003, respectively, in 20 12.
There are 15 beds now. Every year, famous child psychiatrists and child psychoanalysts at home and abroad are actively invited to give lectures and make rounds.
The cornerstone of health "img _ height =" 720 "img _ width ="1080 "data-src ="/imgq8.q578.com/ef/0603/06f78522c8d5548.jpg "src ="/a2020. Children are hospitalized, can family members accompany them to bed?
Children's open psychological ward can provide patients with more relaxed activity space and environment and conditions close to real life, patients will enjoy more freedom and respect, and their families should also bear corresponding responsibilities and obligations.
This is the first open psychological ward for children in China. Parents and other family members (currently need a family member to accompany them) can accompany them around the clock. Before the outbreak of the COVID-19 epidemic, volunteers from key universities often came to the wards to help children learn cultural lessons and perform plays.
Which children are suitable for living in an open ward?
Pediatric ward is a ward specially set up in our hospital to meet the multi-level and diversified service needs of patients. The ward serves all kinds of patients such as online game disorder (Internet addiction), school phobia, children's anxiety, depression, children's emotional disorder and children's bipolar disorder. Suitable for people who live in open wards and have special requirements for wards and services. The specific diseases are as follows:
1 Behavioral problems (weariness, rebellious behavior, game addiction behavior)
2 Emotional disorders (parting anxiety, school phobia, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder)
Diagnosis and treatment of developmental disorders (TIC disorder, loneliness spectrum disorder, mild mental retardation)
What services do children enjoy after hospitalization?
The cornerstone of health "img _ height =" 720 "img _ width ="1080 "data-src ="/imgq8.q578.com/ef/0603/030c31fc4c65d75.jpg "src = Relatively exclusive ward: equipped with escort bed, TV, air conditioning, independent bathroom and other facilities.
Accompanied by relatives and friends: All patients can be accompanied by relatives and friends.
Open management: At present, during the epidemic prevention and control period, the open ward is closed management, and children can bring their own electronic equipment.
High-quality medical service: The ward has excellent medical and nursing team, including chief physician, deputy chief physician, attending physician, clinician and graduate student. The two doctors have served as ward director and psychology director for many years, respectively, with rich medical experience, sufficient nurses and rich nursing experience. Head nurse 20 14 was elected as a gold medal nurse in huilongguan hospital, Beijing, and 20 15 was elected as an advanced worker in Beijing. There are two or three rounds of rounds after hospitalization, and the ward pays attention to psychological treatment while actively carrying out drug treatment. There are specialized psychotherapists who talk to patients regularly, as well as group therapy once or twice a day, family book club and so on. , can provide patients with a variety of modes of psychotherapy services, help family members change the parent-child relationship and better accompany patients.
Convenient follow-up: the ward will ensure that outpatient appointments and telephone consultation services are provided for discharged patients.
How to register and stay in hospital?
At present, the appointment time of Beijing Medical Communication Platform in our hospital is 6:00 pm every day (the source is released on the eighth day). Note that this period is the peak period of information system use, and it is easy for some patients to use the system slowly or even make an appointment in a short time. Please call 0 10-83024383 for questions about outpatient appointment.
For more information about the children's psychological ward, please call 0 10-83024227 (doctor's office) /83024226 (nurse's office on duty).
-the end-
Article | May 2022 issue of "Parents Must Read" magazine (slightly deleted)
Typesetting | Zhao Chen
Picture | Li, Network