In fact, the Chinese translation of this book is not accurate, because its English name is The New Peoplemaking, and there is no concept of a new family, so many people will mistakenly think that this book is for parents who have just formed a new family. Actually, it's not. It talks about how to educate people, how to awaken a person's intrinsic value, and even how to treat his later life, so it is worth reading.
Satya's goal is to help everyone become a person with inner harmony. We don't just want to live a life, we want to live a harmonious and comfortable life, and the whole relationship can run smoothly. Therefore, she told a particularly interesting metaphor at the beginning: the whole family is like a big ship sailing on the water. When we feel that there are many things we don't know, the so-called "ignorance" will put our family in danger. Your child's relationship with you is getting worse and worse, you don't know; You don't know that your relationship with your lover is getting more and more distant; Your dad was ignored, you don't know. This is all happening in the whole family system, and we should learn to understand it.
There are four main aspects of a healthy family system. The first is called self-worth, and a person's feelings and thoughts about himself are called self-worth. It is very important to know the level of self-worth of everyone in this family. The second thing is communication. We call the way people transmit information communication. I believe everyone agrees that communication is also very important.
The third is the family system. "People follow the rules of how they should feel and act, which eventually develop into what we call the family system." One home is different from another, and each home has different rules and hidden rules. Some rules are superficial and everyone in the family knows them. Some rules are never mentioned, but everyone obeys them silently. This constitutes your unique family system.
The fourth thing is the connection between this family and society. "People's contact with other people and organizations outside their families is called social contact. The family is an environment in which a person develops these characteristics, and adults play the role of shapers. " In every family, the responsibility of adults is actually very heavy. How to make this family healthy is the responsibility of adults.
What kind of problems and situations do we usually see in a family? First of all, the sense of self-worth is very low, and family members often lose their temper easily. Losing your temper is actually a manifestation of low self-worth. I felt neglected and insulted, so I was angry. There are indirect, vague and insincere communication, that is to say, nothing is clear, and everyone does not understand what the other party means and is unwilling to respect it.
One more thing, the rules are strict, inhuman, non-negotiable and eternal, just like a father standing up and saying, don't forget our family rules. This situation will be like building a steel cage at home and fixing everyone. There may be thorns on it. Then this family often contacts the society in a way of fear and condemnation, that is, when talking about the outside world and seeing outsiders, people in this family are worried, nervous and defensive. This is a typical family with problems.
What is a healthy family like? "A high sense of self-worth; Direct, clear, definite and sincere communication; The rules are flexible; It is also humanized, appropriate and changeable; The connection with society is open and promising, and it is based on choice. "
At this time, you will find that this home is much more relaxed and soft. Satya is a family therapist who often goes deep into other people's lives. According to her experience, she will feel uncomfortable when she walks into those families with problems and stays for an hour or two. She feels that the surrounding environment is wrong, which will really affect people's health.
I believe everyone feels the same way. When you visit a friend's house that makes you feel comfortable, you will feel comfortable sitting anywhere. Even if you don't talk, a person will feel very comfortable reading and drinking tea there. But if you go to an awkward place and feel at a loss, you will feel uncomfortable even if a group of people surround you and bring you tea and water. Everyone has this experience.
So how do we evaluate a family? Satya's method is simple. She said, ask yourself, are you satisfied with your family life now? This is the first question. The second question is, do you think family members are as kind, love and trust each other as friends? The third question is, as a member of the family, do you think this is a pleasant and exciting thing? It means whether you are willing to stay at home. These are the three most basic questions for us to do self-family assessment.
What should you do when you find that your family is not so good, that your family is more like the one just described, that everyone is silent, or that everyone's rules are particularly tit-for-tat and full of vigilance? The first step is to admit that your family is not perfect. You can admit it. Many people deny it. Many people tell others that their homes are glamorous, but you can admit it. The second step is to forgive, forgive yourself and forgive your family; The third step is to make up your mind and say that you want to change, hoping to shape your home into a different home; Then the fourth step is to take some concrete actions, which is a very simple basic formula about change.
So, let's talk about what is self-worth first. Satya often asks others: Is your jar full? What is a jar? They often compare their hearts with jars and ask if your heart is full of discontent. This "fullness" is different from our understanding of complacency in China, and it is also different from saying that "one bottle is less than half a bottle". The word "full" here doesn't mean that. And "enrichment" means whether you have self-esteem, whether you feel that your state is full of energy, whether you are satisfied, whether you feel that you are a valuable person and whether you are loved.
"People who are loved will accept change." This sentence is very important. At home, you often find it difficult to change your husband, or your children, your husband and the elderly. What is the reason? It is when those people don't feel loved, when they feel challenged, picky, demanded and despised. In this case, they are unwilling to make any changes. But if the family relationship is harmonious, if you ask your child anything, he will be happy to accept it because he knows that his parents love him. Only those who are loved will be open to change, which has inspired me a lot.
What are the typical characteristics of an inferiority complex? First of all, when an inferior person encounters criticism, his first reaction is "fear": Do you dislike me? Are you rejecting me? Do you want to leave me? Then the next step is to "build a wall", build a high wall and seal yourself inside: I want to protect myself, I am not wrong, it is someone else's problem.
For example, a little girl came back from outside and picked a bunch of flowers. If she is a mother who can give her children high self-esteem, she may say, "Wow, these flowers are really beautiful, really beautiful. Where did you pick it? " Tell mom. "This is a normal performance, but if she is a particularly vigilant mother, life is not easy and there is a lot of pressure. When she saw a child bring many flowers in, her first reaction might be: "Where did you do it?"? "You won't pick flowers from the park, will you? Did you pick the flowers from your neighbor? " She always thinks in a bad direction, which will put a lot of pressure on the children. In fact, your heart, your psychological state, has decided what kind of influence you will have on your children if you blurt out.
So Satya wants you to pay attention to the situation at home when you go home. Calm down and listen carefully to what your family says. Is it encouragement, including love, curiosity, exploration, tolerance and pride, or accusation, doubt, criticism and worry? These two words lead to completely different shaping directions, which will directly affect a person's self-esteem level.
But in fact, you should know that everyone's fingerprints are different. This unique fingerprint actually represents that each of us is different, and this uniqueness determines the value that each of us has.
"When I feel good about myself and appreciate myself, I will probably respond to life with a noble, sincere and brave attitude, full of vitality and love." This is your state and performance when you are confident. "A person who doesn't value himself usually wants to be affirmed by others, such as his wife, husband, son or daughter, which will lead him to always try to manipulate others, and the result is often counterproductive, usually both sides lose." The lower a person's self-esteem, the more he wants to control others, so he will give others a particularly strong sense of being manipulated. The result will be counterproductive, and others will gradually move away from him.
"In order to avoid this kind of conflict, people are taught to care about others instead of themselves, which leads to constant self-degradation. Then the problem comes. If a person can't love himself, how can he know how to love others? Confidence and selfishness are not the same thing. Selfishness is the attitude that everything is superior. His message is that I am better than you. Loving oneself is a sign of self-recognition. Only by loving yourself can you love others. If I don't like myself, I may be jealous or afraid of others. "
This passage is very profound. We have been taught since childhood that you should live in harmony with others and not be too selfish. "Can't be too selfish" is often interpreted by children as "I should be better to others, not to myself", so in many families that don't understand love correctly, everyone feels that it is selfish to be kind to themselves, give themselves a private space and take care of their emotions first.
So if a person can't take care of his emotions, he will feel that he is paying for the whole family. Sometimes when listening to others quarrel, I can feel that both sides of the quarrel are extremely wronged and feel that I am paying, saying, "I did it for you, and now you still say that about me." The more he feels that he has been giving, the more empty his heart is, so he urgently needs the affirmation of the outside world, and once the affirmation of the outside world is not enough, he will go crazy.
In fact, you should know that before you pay for the outside world, you love yourself, and paying for them is also a manifestation of loving yourself. The more you give, the more you get. You don't need to pursue anything else, because at the moment you gave, you actually got it. This is the sensibility that a person with strong self-esteem should have.
Just now, we talked about fingerprints. Everyone is a unique seed. "Heaven does not create people from above, nor does it create people from below." So we need to fundamentally understand our uniqueness and value. Your uniqueness and value do not depend on others' affirmation. When you have this ability, you will get more love from others. And if you don't have this ability in your heart and others' affirmation, you always feel worthless and your personality is empty, so even if you keep asking, you won't get it.
We should also pay attention to this when cultivating a child to grow up, because Satya said that children will have serious self-attribution. It is the husband and wife who quarrel, and the child will feel that it is because of himself; Couples are happy, and children will feel it is because of themselves. So she said, you must explain to the child what happened.
It's not that couples can't quarrel in front of their children. This is a very difficult thing. Sometimes they quarrel, but once they quarrel, children will be afraid and nervous. At this time, the husband and wife should take turns telling their children the reason for our quarrel. What happened to us just now? We have different views on what. Dad wanted to do what mom wanted to do, so we had a fight and each had his own opinion. When you can explain this to your child, it is helpful to improve your child's self-esteem.
Even the best things have to be explained. Some families are very happy when they win the lottery, and then the children jump along. The children don't know why they want to dance with them. The children just feel that the atmosphere is very good and happy, so they jump along. At this time, you also need to explain to your child. Do you know why everyone is so happy? Because we won the lottery, the advantage of winning the lottery is what kind of help we can get and what we can buy at home. It is to let the children understand what happened in this family, rather than being taken away by this family. These are some ways to cultivate our sense of self-worth.
The first part talked about the part of self-worth, and learned that we should first learn to fill the jar of each of us, fill our hearts with self-esteem and love, and solve our own problems first.
Next, let's talk about communication, which is the communication part. I often tell many young parents that they must take good care of their children before the age of 3. Don't think that I can't communicate with him because he can't speak. In fact, we had communicated with our parents for millions of times before the age of five, so at that time, many of our psychological habits and emotional expressions had been greatly influenced.
When we communicate with others, it's not just through language. When we communicate with others, we are communicating with others with body, values, experience, senses, language, mind and emotion. So don't think that this is just a language problem, but a complete integrated system is communicating with others.
There are many games in Satya's training. When you go to Satya's class, you will find all kinds of games, which is a very interesting part of this class.
For example, there is a game called "brain camera": you drag your wife to play together, and you two sit there and look at each other. One party can talk, what is the other party doing? Take a picture of him with your brain, look at his face carefully, stare at him, look at him carefully, and leave this impression, that is, take a picture of him with your brain. Then you can tell him what you look like in my mind, what you look like, what kind of expression and attitude you have, and you describe his image. If you don't look at each other so seriously and explain to each other so much, neither of you will know what you look like in each other's mind.
In fact, what we see in our daily life is the result of our inner projection. We often see other people's shadows from each other, which may be the shadows you expect, or the shadows you have long lacked in your heart. When you look at each other carefully with this "brain camera", you may read more information about each other.
There is also a game called "clarify one thing". Be careful not to turn it into confrontation or debate. Instead of confrontation and argument, the two men sat down calmly and said, well, today I want to clarify one thing. We had a misunderstanding before. Actually, I think so, too. What happened then? You can try this method, but don't choose a particularly big pimple at the beginning, don't choose the kind that will quarrel and divorce, find a small pimple and try to talk to each other in a way of "clarifying one thing".
There is an easier way, which is to "listen to your own voice." A mother came to Satya with her child for consultation. The mother said to the child, "You always yell at me." Then the child said, "Don't you shout?" The lady said, "No, I am very kind to you." Satya prepared a tape recorder and then played the recorded voice to the lady. As soon as she heard it, she said, "Who is so ugly?" She just found out it was herself.
Ordinary people seldom hear their own voices. When I was a host, I heard my voice for the first time. I find it strange, too. I have a feeling, "Who is this? This voice is nothing like me. " I'm used to it now, so I think I'm the voice coming from that mobile phone. But for ordinary people, they rarely hear their own voices. You can try. You can put it there with your mobile phone, then record your interaction with your family, and then listen to it yourself, so that you can feel whether you are impatient, whether you speak fast or not. Actually, I tell books by listening. Adjust every time you listen to it, and gradually reduce a lot of things like "hmm", "ah" and "hey hey" in the past. So it is helpful to listen to your own voice.
There is also the simplest experimental method, which is to talk back to back. Put two chairs together back to back, with the husband facing this side and the wife facing the other side, and then you two talk. You can't stand it for more than three minutes, because the sound is moving forward and there are people sitting behind you, and you will feel very uncomfortable. However, in real life, we often talk like this. When you get home, you will often find that one person cooks there, another person watches TV here, and then two people talk to the air. You will feel uncomfortable talking back to back in the classroom, but in real life, we often talk to others like this.
Another particularly classic exercise is that one adult is standing, another adult is squatting on the ground, and two people are talking. This simulation is a child's perspective, that is, when you are squatting on the ground and talking to a tall adult from a child's perspective, you can feel the feeling of oppression, neck pain and discomfort. So why do children get mad easily? Because the child can't even see your face clearly, what the child sees is the stomach, which is a particularly ugly image. So when you talk to your child at home, you'd better squat down and look him in the eye. We all know this truth, but you can only remember it if you have experienced it. Look for this feeling of speaking from high to low.
You can also learn to imitate each other's tone. You can't leave messages at home, you know, especially in a big family. It was not until I was in my thirties that I suddenly understood this. The sender doesn't necessarily mean to speak ill or distort the original words of the other party, but needs to adjust his tone. This feeling is completely different. It's not a question of right or wrong. As long as the tone is adjusted, the meaning will completely change. So learn to imitate each other's tone and feel what the essential meaning of this sentence is.
There are many communication traps in the family, such as "suggestion" and "mind reading". Let's talk about the "hint method" first. For example, when you go home, your wife suddenly throws something there. You knock on this and that, and she ignores you when you talk to her. What happened? Why? Stop talking. It's called a hint. She wants you to understand.
Another method is called "mind reading", that is, I look at you like this and I guess what is going on. Why else would you turn your back on me? Why didn't you say hello to me when you went out? We have all kinds of ways to draw conclusions easily by ourselves, which will lead to many contradictions at home. Many contradictions have not reached the level of family system, which we will talk about later, that is, the level of communication, so we should avoid these traps and try not to use "hints" or "mind reading" methods.
There are usually four wrong modes when dealing with the stress in the family, which is the core of Satya's theory. The first one is called "please". Just make a gesture. Flattery is kneeling on one knee and then raising one hand to look at each other. This gesture is called "flattering". If there is a likable person in a family, what is this person's inner monologue? I feel like nothing. Without you, I'm dead and I'm worthless. Therefore, when a person begs for a long time, it is actually an escape, and it is to escape the pressure brought by communication.
There is also a kind of person called "accusatory", that is, at home, he will stand up and call names at any time. The posture of "accusing" is very simple, with one hand akimbo and the other very fierce. I believe everyone must have seen such a person. In fact, it is the same in the company. There are also flatterers and accusers in the company. The accuser looks tough, but what is his inner monologue? It's called "I feel lonely and failed"
I once met the boss of a listed company, who just liked to swear and cursed fiercely. But when you chat with him, you can clearly feel his inner loneliness and sense of failure. He feels that no one can rely on him and no one can be trusted. These people are idiots. Therefore, in a family, such a tough and shouting person is lonely and failed.
Then the third kind of person is called "super-rational". The super-rational posture is to sit there, stiff, with a stiff neck, and then cross your legs, thus strictly protecting yourself, and the whole body is a contraction. What is the most common sentence of super-rational people? It is "ask my lawyer about this". He always responds to facts in this super-rational way. No matter what emotions others have and what happens, he has no emotional reaction. He treats them in a super-rational way. The subtext of a super-rational person is "I feel vulnerable". What he showed was my calmness, but his inner monologue was actually "I feel very fragile".
The last kind of person is called "interrupted". Interrupt people's body posture is distorted, with the body in this direction and legs in that direction, and the whole body is uncomfortable and twisted into a ball. Don't underestimate posture, no matter whether your life is lengthened or not, you just need to calm down and feel it. Sometimes I suddenly realize how tired I am at this moment, only to find that I made a very tired posture, which I didn't find before, and then I relaxed quickly. Therefore, people should always learn to relax their shoulders, limbs and body, and physical relaxation can bring spiritual relaxation. This type of person who interrupts others is characterized by saying everything, such as "Never mind, eat, eat" and "Never mind", that's all. The inner monologue of the interrupter is "Nobody cares", "There is no place for me here, no space for me" and "I am totally unimportant here".
How are these different types formed? Why are there so many different ways to deal with stress? Educate from childhood. For example, when you were a child, you often heard your parents tell you not to influence others, telling you that it is selfish to ask others for your own sake. When we are affected by this all day, all day is "you have to sacrifice yourself" and "you can't ask others for more all day, you have already got too much", then the way parents influence their children strengthens their ingratiation.
Then if someone in the family often says "Don't let anyone exclude you", "Don't be a coward, you have to fight for it" and "You have to be stronger", this will strengthen the accusation when educating children. If someone often says "Don't be so stupid", "Don't be so stupid" and "Look at you, you are not smart at all. If you are smart, you won't make mistakes. "When family members emphasize smart things all day and smart things all day, they strengthen the super-rational type. If someone says "Don't be too serious, be happy" and "Who cares, it doesn't matter", educating children with this cynical attitude will strengthen their interruption.
None of these four practices is right. What's wrong? The core of these four practices can be summarized in one sentence. What * * * has in common is "different views". He wants to express loneliness, he wants to express helplessness, he can't express it, he expresses anger; I want to express reconciliation and contribution, but he expresses ingratiation. That's what I said. I can't express what I want to express frankly and accurately.
The author says that the only correct method is called "consistent expression". The consistent expression is my inner self and outer self. The language I speak and the posture of my body convey the same message to you. Have you ever seen someone talk to you with a smile and say, "Too bad, things haven't been going well recently". His expression is smiling and relaxed, but his words are heavy. This is a typical inconsistent reaction.
The truly effective expression is consistent. Let me give you an example. This is the simplest example. For example, when two people face each other and their elbows hurt, the flatterer will say, "He looks down at the ground and wrings his hands and says,' Please forgive me, I am a clumsy idiot.' The plaintiff will say, "God, how did I touch your arm? Next time, take your hand away so that I won't touch it. "He will blame others. Then the super-rational person said, "I wish I could apologize to you." I accidentally bumped into your arm when I passed by. If you hurt your arm, please contact my lawyer, ok? Then the interrupter looked at the others and said, "Someone is crazy. It must have hit him. "He will want to cover it up in this way. And what do consistent people do? A sympathetic person will look at each other and say, "I'm sorry to hurt you." Does it hurt here? "Very simple, this is a consistent person.
When we tell our children, we often disagree. As we said in other books before, children wear less clothes and are cold when they go out, so you are worried. People who agree will say, "Mom is worried about you. Can you put on more clothes?" I'm afraid you have a cold. But the accuser will say, "You're freezing to death wearing so little. You can do whatever you like, and nobody cares about you. "Is that you clearly want to express concern, but what you blurted out turned into accusations. So people should learn to express consistently.
There is a core point here, that is, don't scare yourself. The core of those four manifestations, please, blame, super-rationality and interruption, is that their brains have already processed many things in advance. Because there are many possibilities in his mind, influenced by the background of the powerful possibilities brought to him before, he dare not tell the truth and dare not face the facts directly, so he made such a reaction.