It can be said that this book is not only a psychological professor's "confession" of his incompetence, but also a guide for us to protect ourselves from harm and establish a lasting intimate relationship.
Arthur Qiao Lamikali is a well-known professor at Harvard Medical School and the chief psychologist at a treatment center in the United States. He thinks he is familiar with medical and psychological knowledge and has rich experience in physical and mental healing.
When his own brother David was wanted by the whole country for drug abuse and fled abroad, the author was confident that he could convince his brother to find the right direction in life. After several telephone conversations and enlightenments, just the day before the author and his brother agreed to return to China, his brother committed suicide by injecting too much heroin.
This brought a strong shock to the author, almost collapsed, and deeply reflected: What does my brother need in the most desperate time? Is it a wake-up call, life advice, or a hug and understanding?
Since then, the author has devoted all his energy to the study of "the power of emotion". Now, he has become a global authority on emotional research, and all the discoveries of human nature in the past 23 years are written in this book.
In our life, although we rarely have the author's experience, we will encounter such problems more or less:
Are you satisfied with your new nanny? Do you think she is a trustworthy helper, or is she just looking for quick change? There are strangers at home?
Are you satisfied with the new goal? Do you think he can trust you for life, or will he betray your trust after marriage? Abandon?
Have you ever been cheated? The salesman who talks big and sells fakes to you? Still borrowing money or not? The friend who hacked you?
The book "The Power of Emotion" provides us with a way to find the answer: to see through people's hearts with the power of emotion.
In this book, we can know how to use * * * feelings to find love, how to repair intimate relationships, how to be an active listener and actively resist those malicious * * * feelings.
Below, I will tell you something about the contents of the book, so that you can quickly realize the power of understanding * * *.
The first key content is, what is * * * love?
The second key content is the way to stay away from those who use * * * maliciously.
The third key content is how to master the feelings of * * * and see through people's hearts.
What is "love"? Before I explain in detail, let me tell you a short story:
There is a mental patient who thinks he is a mushroom. So he squatted in the corner of the room with an umbrella every day. Do not eat or drink. Many doctors and experts have come to see it, but even if they take the patient away, they will squat back in place once they have the chance, so everyone gives up and says that the mental patient is hopeless. ?
One day, a psychiatrist also squatted next to the patient with an umbrella. The patient is very strange: "Who are you?"
The doctor replied, "I am a mushroom, too." The patient nodded and went on making his mushroom.
After a while, the doctor stood up and walked around the room. The patient asked him, "aren't you a mushroom?" Why? Can you walk around? " The doctor confidently replied, "Of course mushrooms can go everywhere!" "The patient felt reasonable and stood up and walked.
After a while, the doctor took out a hamburger and began to eat. The patient asked again, "aren't you a mushroom?" How can you eat? " The doctor confidently replied, "Of course, mushrooms can also be eaten." The patient seemed to be persuaded and began to eat.
In a few weeks, the patient can live like a normal person. Although, he still thinks he is a mushroom.
Compassion is to comfort others, and affection is to understand others. What if there is no reason based on other people's thoughts and feelings? Solution and take any action, are not * * *.
The psychologist understands the unique experience of mental patients who think they are mushrooms, and makes them "become mushrooms", enter the patient's world and feel the patient's feelings. We need to let go of ourselves and look at the problem from the perspective of others. This is the process of * * *.
The author also mentioned in the book that there is a butcher and a doctor in the town where his family lives. Speaking of these two occupations, are we common? What kind of image do you think of?
Butchers are faced with kitchen knives and chopping boards every day, and most of them are ferocious. Doctors are often kind and generous because they have restored many people to health, but the author's mother said, "Doctors never remember anyone's name. When they leave the office, they seem to have no interest in people."
But what about the butcher? "This man sells meat for a living, but every day after work, he shares it with the poor."
Doctors and butchers are good people, but butchers are kind from the heart. But true kindness doesn't close at the end of your busy day? Then stop.
* * * Love is the ability to continuously understand others. * * * Love needs to penetrate external conditions such as surface area, education and career? Confused, go deep into people's hearts or souls and see the similarities between people from different backgrounds.
* * * Love needs to abandon self-centeredness and look at the world from the perspective of others, so that our perspective will become wider and wider. Those who flatter you with sweet words may want something from you, while those who insult you may care about you. Therefore, to see a person clearly, we should not only look at the surface, but also deeply understand his behavior and thoughts.
So, what is malicious use of * * *. How can we stay away from these people?
Kelly, 27, lives alone in an apartment in a big city. Kelly bought a lot of things in broad daylight. There are her daily necessities and some cat food. When she entered the apartment where she lived, she noticed that the door of the building was unlocked, which made her feel very unsafe. "These people don't care about the safety of others at all!"
Kelly locked the door of the building angrily. Kay had to climb to the third floor to go home. She carries a lot of things, which is really difficult for a woman. Inadvertently, several cans of cat food rolled down the stairs.
At this moment, I heard a man's voice: "I'll bring it up for you." Kelly subconsciously disliked the sound. A friendly-looking man went upstairs and not only brought back the cat food, but also wanted to help her carry the bag. Although the man is smiling, Kelly subconsciously doesn't want to have too much contact with him.
The man went up to help again and said, "Some people are just too arrogant, you know." However, Kelly wanted to refuse. Absolutely, but she didn't want people to think that she was an arrogant person, so she silently asked the man to help her carry things upstairs.
At the door, she thanked the stranger, but he squeezed into the room from her. He pulled out a gun. Threatened and raped Kelly. Afterwards, the man put on his clothes, picked up his gun and warned her to stay where she was. He promised not to hurt her and said that he would go to the kitchen for a glass of water.
Now, for the first time, Kelly feels that her life is in danger. She is really scared. All her senses are on high alert, watching men's every move.
On the way to the kitchen, he glanced at his watch and looked a little worried. However, he took the time to close the open window and turn up the stereo. He turned to look at her and told her not to be so afraid. He promised again that he wouldn't hurt her. Suddenly, Kelly realized that he wanted to kill her.
Kelly found the right opportunity, got out of bed, wrapped the sheets in her body, quietly walked out of the house and hid through the hall? Went to a neighbor's house and finally escaped.
What if Kelly could pay more attention to the signals from her body and observe this man from the beginning? If he is really enthusiastic, he won't offer help after repeated rejections. Then the latter thing may not have happened.
In Kelly's experience, every link, gangsters are taking advantage of * * * step by step, if we can leave no trace in every link? If we are vigilant when elephants appear, similar experiences will hardly happen to us.
Beware of sudden approach. Although men are friendly, it seems hostile to help move things when they are rejected. Getting close always takes a process, and there is no one who is so close as soon as they meet.
Stay away from those who always blame others. Blaming others is to blame others, not yourself? Ren, the more people blame others for their own problems, the more unstable their personality is.
Learn to trust your natural instincts. Our body has an embedded system that can automatically collect other people's body reaction letters? Interest, so as to feel the thoughts and motives of others. When you are in danger, your body will give an alarm.
The unlocked stair door, the sudden appearance of a strange man, insisted on helping her with things ... Kelly's body felt dangerous, but she didn't want to be a suspicious person. This kind of thinking ignores the signals given by her body.
Distinguish between true feelings and purposeful feelings. True love is that you really care about others and are eager to help them. The purpose is to pay attention to what others can bring you.
And pay attention to the inconsistency between words and deeds. See how he treats leaders and waiters. If this person is full of love for a while, one? At the same time, he is particularly selfish, and such people should be vigilant. The man in the case was friendly and offered help in a tone that he couldn't refuse.
Finally, keep your attention. When the man comforted her that she wouldn't hurt her, she kept a high degree of attention. The man looked at his watch, but? She closed the window, turned on the stereo and rummaged through the kitchen drawers, which showed that her life was in danger.
In the last part, let's talk about how to master the feelings of * * * and see through people's hearts.
To understand a person, first of all, we need to really understand him, let go of cognitive prejudice and really want to enter this person? In this world, * * * love provides us with some methods.
So how do you express your feelings?
1, use open-ended questions
We need to throw questions without any personal feelings. I believe the question you throw is just curiosity. When asking questions, it is an open-ended question, and you can't simply use whether to answer. We should let the story unfold fully and don't try to control or guide the dialogue.
The barber just finished cutting his hair, then handed you a mirror and said to you, "Do you think this hairstyle makes you more beautiful?" Does this hairstyle suit your face better? "These questions basically don't need to be answered. The barber just wants to guide you to agree with his hairstyle. This is a closed question, and the person who answers the question will ponder whether to refute the answer contained in this question, instead of opening his heart to answer his feelings.
Generally, when I encounter such a problem, I will choose a submissive answer, "Yes, it looks good", although I may want to have a haircut like this in my heart, it is not as good as the barber shop I went to last time, and I will never come for a haircut again. Some people will choose a combative answer "it's suitable there, not good at all" and start quarreling directly.
If it is an open-ended question, it will ask, "Do you have anything to say to me about this hairstyle?" Take the initiative? For others, you just want to know the facts from others and communicate with them. You are really interested in his views.
Don't rush to judge.
We are always in a hurry to judge, especially those who think they know us well. For example, you will say "you are lazy" to your lover and "stupid" to your child. When you see a strange child moving around, you can't just sit still and say, "Does this child have ADHD?" . We are used to making judgments easily based on our own experience.
Especially for things circulating on the Internet, I can easily make a reasonable judgment and finally get hit in the face by various reversals. Modesty allows us to let go of ourselves and explore more unknown things.
* * * Love needs humility. We want to look at the problem from the perspective of others, so we put down our own views. Our own emotions and thoughts always interfere with our ability to understand others.
3. Put aside all your attention and listen.
There is an interesting little experiment in this book, and everyone must repeat his point of view accurately before expressing it? Repeat the last person's thoughts and feelings to satisfy the last person. Sounds simple, doesn't it? But after you try, you will find it more difficult than you think.
In fact, you need to really understand other people's thoughts, thoughts or intentions before retelling accurately. This is * * * emotion.
Most people can't really understand what others mean. Most people have no patience to listen and just want to wait for others to finish before expressing their opinions. Listening to * * * requires us to walk into that person's world, or become that person at this time.
The company sometimes plays a small game at the morning meeting to enliven the atmosphere. One day, Xiao Zhang of the personnel department put forward a message in turn. In word games, everyone lined up. The first person was said by Xiao Zhang of the personnel department. After he understood, he began to pass it on to the person standing in front of him. As a result, when the message reached the fourth person, some information was lost. By the time the fifth person arrived, the original meaning had changed, and I finally couldn't recognize it. Although everyone passed it with a smile, if it is put into reality, this is the origin of the rumor.
Listening needs to put aside yourself and concentrate on listening. In fact, is it that others are listening to us and we feel it?
A subtle movement of the body can tell whether the attention is concentrated at this time. You think while playing with children. Although your hand movements have not changed, the child reminds you to have fun because she thinks you are absent-minded.
Pat suffered two spinal injuries in a car accident and needed hospitalization. The big glass window in Pat's ward was broken, and cold air blew in directly? In the room, so he asked the nurse to put down the sun visor.
But that night, the psychiatrist came to talk to him and said that he thought Pat was depressed because the sunshine outside was too good, but Pat shut himself in such a dark room. Obviously, if the doctor listened to the patient's explanation more, he wouldn't make such a joke.
4. Don't put on an honest coat to offend others.
I believe that most people are friendly to others, but we often offend others in the name of honesty and love? Even things that hurt others. So there must be a limit to honesty, to tell the truth, but to say it in a way that doesn't make people feel ashamed.
Lily and Xiaomei are friends whom I haven't seen for a long time. It's hard for everyone to find time to meet. Lily is surprised at what Xiaomei looks like now. Body shape: "Why are you so fat? You should lose weight. Too fat. It is almost a ball. I tell you, being too fat can lead to many diseases, high blood pressure and so on. " ,
Xiaomei can only nod with a wry smile, indicating that she knows. Although she felt lily's kindness, she didn't want to go back. "Whether I am fat or not, I have never eaten a grain of rice from your family."
We usually say something that hurts others in the name of honesty, and then add "Don't mind if I speak straight."
In fact, honesty has boundaries, and feelings can make us aware of other people's boundaries.
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* * * Love is the bond between people. People need to connect with others so as not to feel out of touch with the world? Lonely soul.
Reading and understanding others is definitely our wisdom in getting along with others. Being understood emotionally is definitely more comforting and useful than any language. * * * Love can also spread. If you love others, others will love you more, and the world will be more tolerant. ?