The German novelist and composer Hoffmann (1776-1822) was a guest in the home of a nouveau riche in Berlin. After the meal, his host led him to view the luxurious home. Talking about the servants, the rich man said carelessly that he alone needed three servants to serve him, who expected, the novelist said that he had four people to serve him in the bath alone. One puts out his towel, another tests the temperature of the water, and another checks the faucet.
"And the fourth?" Busty asked, confused.
"Oh, he's the closest - he takes my bath for me." The novelist said.
One day, Heine received a very heavy letter from a friend who owed him postage. He opened it, and it turned out to be a large bundle of wrapping paper with a small note attached, "I am well! Yours Meir."
A few days later, Meir also received a very heavy package of unpaid money from Heine, which he had to pay a large sum of cash to collect; it turned out to contain a stone, also with a note attached, "Dear Meir: when I know you are well, this stone in my heart falls to the ground."
When Mark Twain was running a newspaper in Missouri, a reader found a spider in his newspaper and wrote to ask Mark Twain if it was a good or bad omen. Mark Twain wrote back - "Dear Sir,
It is neither a good nor a bad omen that you have found a spider in your paper. The spider was merely trying to see which merchant had not advertised in the paper, so that he could go to his house and make his web and have a quiet day."
Taft was the heaviest of all U.S. presidents and lifted his hands and feet in a porous manner.
One day he visited former President Theodore Roosevelt. After arriving at a beach house where Roosevelt was staying, he decided to take a shower in the ocean. It just so happened that one of Roosevelt's children had had enough of playing on the beach and came running home to Roosevelt.
"Dad, let's go swimming." The child idled?br>
"No, son, not now." Roosevelt picked up the child and said, "Mr. President is using the ocean."
A man who said nothing in a social situation was told by the philosopher Theophrastus, "If you are a fool, you are behaving most intelligently; if you are a wise man, you are behaving most foolish."
Shortly before the outbreak of World War I, American-born feminist Nancy Astor visited Churchill (1874-1965) at his ancestral home, Blayney House. Churchill received her warmly. In conversation Astor talked up the issue of women's rights and earnestly hoped that Churchill would help her become the first woman to sit in the House of Representatives.
Churchill laughed at the idea and disagreed with some of her views, which infuriated the lady. She told Churchill, "Winston, if I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee cup!"
"Churchill gently continued, "If I were your husband, I'd drink it without hesitation!"
Aesop, the ancient Greek fable writer (living around the 6th century BC), met a pedestrian one day who asked him for directions.
Pedestrian: "How long will I have to walk when I get to the city?"
Iso: "You go wow."
Pedestrian: "I do have to walk, I am asking how long it will take me to walk to the city."
Iso: "You go wow! You go wow!"
The pedestrian thought to himself how hateful this man is, and walked away in anger.
A few moments later, Aesop yells at him, "2 hours--"
The pedestrian asks, "Why didn't you tell me that earlier?"
Iso, "How can I know how long it will take if I don't know how fast you're walking!"
U.S. General Mark Wayne Clark (1896-1984) was a fun-loving, unflappable optimist in his everyday life.
On one occasion, Clark was asked the question of which of all the exhortations offered by others was the most beneficial.
Clark said, "I think the most helpful exhortation is 'Marry this girl.'"
"And who offered you this counsel?"
"It was the girl herself." Clark replied.
Voltaire, who was of a licentious disposition and consistently ridiculed the great men of his day, one day praised a fellow writer. One of his friends immediately noted, "I am sorry to hear you praise this gentleman so generously. You know that it is this gentleman who has often spoken ill of you behind your back."
"So it would seem that both of us have said the wrong thing." Voltaire said.
Krylov (1769-1844), a famous Russian fable writer, was fat and loved to wear black. Once a nobleman saw him walking and shouted at him, "Look, here comes a dark cloud!"
"No wonder the toads have started barking!" Krylov replied, looking at the yon swollen nobleman.
Lyndon Baines Johnson (1908 - 1973), the 36th President of the United States,
was appointed at the age of 26 to the position of Texas Branch Chief of the National Youth Administration. He was very strict with his men during his tenure and liked to tell them what they were not.
On one occasion, when he walked by a coworker's seat and saw that his desk was piled high with papers, he purposely raised his voice and said, "I wish your mind wasn't as disorganized as this desk." In this way, everyone in the same office could hear it clearly. It took a lot of effort for this colleague to organize the papers and clear the desk before Johnson made his second tour of the office. When Johnson came back to the office, he took a look at the formerly disorganized desktop that had become empty and said, "I hope your mind is not as empty as this desk."
On one occasion, traveling at sea, the small boat in which the Duke of Wellington was traveling ran into a storm and was in danger of sinking. The captain hurried to Wellington's charter cabin and said, "We are about to be finished."
Wellington, who was trying to get into bed, said, "Well, then, I won't have to take off my shoes."
Armand Falier (1841 - 1913), the eighth president of France's Third **** and State, visited the studio of the great sculptor Rodin (1840 - 1917) one day, and, seeing that unfinished parts of the work - heads, hands, feet, torsos - were piled up all over the room, the president wryly said, "My God, these people walk with so little attention."
When Fulton first publicly demonstrated his invention of a steamship, no one believed the thing moved. Crowds on both sides of the river kept clamoring, "It won't move, it won't move, it definitely won't move!" But the ship started all of a sudden, and sailed forward with steam and a chirping sound. The crowd looked at it for a while with their mouths agape, then changed their words and said, "It can't be stopped, it can't be stopped, it can't be stopped!"
In October 1944, before the situation in World War II was fully clarified, Japan created a rumor that most of the warships of the U.S. Third Fleet had been sunk and the rest were retreating.
The American commander of the Pacific Fleet, William F. Halsey Jr. (1882-1959), immediately replied with a rebuttal, "Our warships have been rescued and are now retreating at high speed toward the Japanese fleet."
The Indian writer Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941) received a letter from a girl, "You are a writer whom I admire, and as a token of my admiration for you, I intend to name my beloved pug after you."
Tagore wrote back to the girl, "I agree with your intention, but before naming it, you had better discuss it with the pug to see if it agrees."
Khrushchev liked to call himself an agricultural expert. On one visit to a collective farm's pig farm, he found a sickly piglet. The chairman of the farm explained that the pig had been malnourished since childhood and had been raised stiff. Khrushchev immediately said, carry this pig to my home, to ensure that two months to fatten back to you.
Her went home how to fiddle with that pig does not grow. In a hurry, he decided to get rid of the pig. He put the pig into the baby carriage in the evening, ready to push to the Moscow River to throw away. Halfway there, he met Mikoyan.
"Comrade Khrushchev, where's the walk."
"Ah ...... out for a walk ......"
"Who is this?"
"Oh, it's my ...... little grandson."
"Let's see. Oh, what a nice boy, looks just like his grandfather!"
Taiodor Vondano was a famous 19th century German writer. When she was an editor in Berlin, she once received several poems without punctuation from a young trainee author, with an accompanying letter that said, "I have always cared nothing for punctuation; if you use it, please fill it in yourself."
Vondano quickly returned the manuscript with a letter saying, "I have always cared nothing for poems; next time, please send only the punctuation, and I will fill in the poems myself."
Krylov lived in poverty. Once his landlord signed a lease with him, in which the landlord wrote. If Krylov accidentally caused a fire and burned down the house he must pay 15,000 rubles. Krylov read it, did not object, but put his pen to 15,000 and added two "0", the landlord took a look,
surprised, cried: "How 1.5 million rubles!"
Krylov replied without moving, "I can't afford to pay it anyway."
American five-star general Carteret Marshall (1880-1959) asked a young lady to promise him a ride home after a reception at his quarters.
The young lady's home was not far from the neighborhood, but Marshall drove for more than an hour to get her to her door.
"You haven't been here long, have you?" She asked, "You act like you don't know your way around very well."
"I wouldn't dare say that, if I didn't know this place well, how could I drive for over an hour and not pass your doorstep once?" Marshall said with a smile.
The young lady later married Marshall.
On one occasion, the owner sent Iso into town. Halfway there, he met a judge.
The judge questioned him sternly, "Where are you going?"
"I don't know." Aesop replied. The judge became suspicious and sent someone to put Aesop in jail first.
The judge finished his business and came back to the jail to interrogate Aesop.
"Mr. Judge, know that I am telling the whole truth." Aesop said, "It is true that I did not know that I would go to jail."
The judge had no choice but to let him go.
While Lincoln was polishing his own shoes, a foreign diplomat approached him.
"Why, Mr. President, you actually polish your own shoes?"
"Yes." Lincoln replied, "Then whose shoes do you shine?"
Nearing the end of Coolidge's presidency, he famously declared, "I don't intend to be in this business any longer."
Reporters felt that there was something in the words and kept pestering him, asking you to explain why you don't want to be president anymore.
There was no way around it, so Coolidge pulled one reporter aside and told him, "Because there is no promotion for the president."
The great German poet Heinrich Heine (1797-1856) was Jewish and was often attacked without cause. Once at a party, a traveler said to him, "I have discovered an island this island is surprisingly free of Jews and donkeys!"
Heine said, without moving, "It seems that the only way to remedy this is for you and I to go to that island together!"
Composer Giacomo Puccini and Italian musician and orchestra conductor Artur Toscanini (1867-1957) were an old pair. Every Christmas Giacomo gave his friend a piece of cake. One Christmas Eve, Giacomo had a fight with Artur and therefore tried to cancel the cake given to him, but it was too late, the cake had already been delivered.
The next day, Artur received a telegram from Giacomo: "Cake delivered by mistake." He then followed up with a duplicate telegram, "Cake delivered by mistake."
President Theodore Roosevelt was facetious and had to be the center of attention no matter what the occasion.
"My father didn't like to go to weddings and funerals," his son said at one point, "because he couldn't be either the bride or the deceased at them."
At British Prime Minister Winston Churchill's 80th birthday tea party, a young reporter said to Churchill, "Mr. Prime Minister, I do hope I can come back next year to congratulate you on your birthday."
Churchill patted the reporter on the shoulder and said, "Mr. Reporter, you're so young and strong, you should be fine."
A noblewoman invited Paganini to tea at her house the next day. Paganini accepted the invitation. The noblewoman was delighted, and when she said goodbye, she added to Paganini with a smile, "Dear artist, please don't ever forget to bring your fiddle with you when you come tomorrow!"
"Why is that?" Paganini said in mock surprise, "You know, ma'am, that my fiddle never drinks tea."
Wonderful adviceIn 1848 a Naples newspaper published an open letter from the Italian opera composer Rossini (1792-1868) in response to a question from a gentleman.
The gentleman's letter was, "I have a nephew who is a musician, and he doesn't know how to write an overture for an opera he is composing; you have written so many opera overtures, is it not possible for you to give an idea?"
Rossini offered seven suggestions in his letter, one of which was, "...... I wrote the overture to Othello when I was locked by the theater owner in a hotel cabin in Naples with a big bowl of boiled spaghetti and not even a green vegetable.
The boss, who had the baldest head and the meanest heart, threatened: 'If you don't finish the last note of the overture, you won't get out alive. Let your nephew try this method without letting him taste the mesmerizing aroma of a big foie gras pie ......'"
A young Italian composer once asked Rossini to listen to him play a new work. As he listened, Rossini took his hat off and on, on and off, several times in a row.
After the young composer finished playing, he asked him why he took off his hat and put it on. Rossini replied, "I have a habit of always taking off my hat to greet old acquaintances whenever I meet them."
A very confident young man came to Rossini with two large books of sheet music in his hand. "The conductor has promised to play one of my two symphonies, and I would like you to hear which is better." With that the youth sat down at the piano and played it for Rossini. After listening to a few bars, Rossini couldn't listen any longer, so he went over and closed the score, tapped the youth on the shoulder and said, "Young man, there's no need to play it, I think that the other one is better!"
The German poet Goethe (1749-1832) was taking a walk in the park when he met up with two critics on a path that allowed only one
person to pass.
"I never give way to fools," said the critic.
"I'm just the opposite!" Goethe finished, laughed, and retreated to the curb.
On this day, Coleridge was buried in his office when suddenly a Coleridge-worshipping lady burst in, congratulated
him on his speech of the previous day, and said, "The hall was so crowded the other day that I couldn't find a seat, and stood up all the way through your whole speech."
The lady said this in an aggrieved tone, apparently hoping to get a few words of comfort in return.
Unexpectedly, Coolidge said coldly, "You were not the only one who suffered, I stood all that day too."
The Italian musician Paganini (1782-1840) hired a carriage for a theater performance and was running late. He asked the coachman to hurry up. "How much do I have to pay you?" Paganini asked.
"Ten francs." "You're joking, aren't you?"
"I don't think so, people go to hear you play on one string today (a reference to Paganini playing some of the pieces he composed with difficult and deep technique on the G-string), and you're charging 10 francs per person!"
"All right then," said Paganini, "I'll pay you 10 francs, but you'll have to drive me to the theater on a wheel."
President Reagan visited Canada and spoke in a city.
During the speech, a group of people holding an anti-American demonstration interrupted him from time to time in a clear display of anti-American sentiment. Reagan was visiting Canada as a guest, as its prime minister.
Pierre? Trudeau was embarrassed by the unwarranted gesture. Faced with this dilemma, Reagan instead said to him with a smile on his face:
"This happens in the United States in all the time, and I think these people must have come to your country from the United States on purpose, and perhaps they wanted to make me feel at home." Hearing this, an embarrassed Trudeau couldn't help but laugh.
During the Second World War, Lord Mancroft served in the British War Office. Whenever Churchill was away on a tour, Mancroft went to the Prime Minister's official evil and marked
the recent stage of the combat situation on a large map dedicated to Churchill, so that when Churchill came back, he could take a look at the map and have a clear picture of the situation.
One day, Mancroft placed the map on the floor of the Cabinet Room, as was his custom, and marked it with colored chalk. He rested his hat skyward at his side. At that moment, Churchill returned unexpectedly.
Seeing someone lying on the floor, absorbed in marking the map, with a bottom-flung hat beside him, he felt out two pennies without a word and threw them steadily into Mancroft's hat.
In the Italian composer M. Luigi? Cherubini (1760-1842) was inspector of the Paris Conservatoire, a student wrote an opera intended for staging.
When he auditioned for the production, he invited Cherubini to see it, wanting to see an authoritative review.
Kerubini patiently watched one act and then the second without making a single comment.
The young composer watched him in silence as he watched the play so intently, and nervously moved in and out of Kerubini's box. Finally, unable to hide his anxiety any longer, he asked Kerubini, "Do you have something to say to me, sir?"
Kerubini grasped his hand and said to him affectionately, "My poor lad, what can I say? I have spent two hours listening, but you have said nothing to me."
"Socrates' wife" is a synonym for a shrew, a bad wife. She was a narrow-minded, stubborn, nagging, scolding woman who often embarrassed the famous philosopher Socrates (469 - 399 BC).
On one occasion, when Socrates was asked why he had to marry such a woman, he replied, "A man who is good at horsemanship always picks a strong horse to ride, and when he is accustomed to riding a strong horse, he will be able to master other horses without difficulty. If I can put up with such a woman, I am afraid there is no other woman in the world who is difficult to get along with. I am afraid that there will be no more difficult people in the world." It is said that Socrates married his wife in order to purify his spirit in the midst of her annoying nagging complaints.
On one occasion, when Socrates was discussing academic matters with his students and arguing with them, his wife came in in a rage and, after scolding Socrates, went out and brought a bucket of water and threw it violently on Socrates. The students thought Socrates would scold his wife angrily, but Socrates touched his soaked clothes and said, "I know that after the thunder, it will surely rain heavily."
The South China Literary Society, founded by a group of progressive young people in Guangzhou, wanted Lu Xun (1881-1936) to write for its inaugural issue. Lu Xun said, "It is better for you to write the articles yourselves first, and I will write them later, lest it be said that Lu Xun came to Wenzhou to find young people to support himself." The youths said, "We are all poor students, and if the first issue of the publication doesn't sell well, we won't
have the strength to put out a second issue." Lu Xun said wryly but seriously, "It's easy to make a publication sell well, you can write articles to scold me, and the publication that scolds me also sells well." In the 1930s, certain writers were very subjective. Once, someone asked Lu Xun to talk about this problem, Lu Xun at first smiled but did not answer, after a while, told two stories:
The Golden Flat Stretcher
There was a farmer who had to carry water every day. One day, he suddenly remembered, flat
What did the emperor use to pick water for food? Himself then went on to answer: it must be with a golden flat
stretcher.
Eating Persimmon Cake
There was a peasant woman,, who woke up early in the morning, feeling hungry, and thought to herself, How did the Empress Mother
mother enjoy her happiness? It must have been by waking up and calling, "Big sister, take
a persimmon cake and eat it."
In 1934, the Kuomintang mayor of Peking, Hsiang Liang, ordered a ban on co-education and co-ed swimming.
When Mr. Lu Xun heard about this, he said to some young friends, "Men and women are not allowed to go to school together and swim together
Swimming, then men and women will breathe the air together and confuse the universe, which is even more serious than going to school and swimming together, isn't it?
Mayor Yuan Liang might as well simply give another order, in the future, men and women go out, each wearing an anti-virus
mask. Both free of air circulation, but also do not throw their heads. In this way; each is, Noi! Noi!
......"
Saying this, Mr. Lu Xun tilted his head back slightly and mimicked the tube of the gas mask with his hand ......
Everyone was amused by Mr. Lu Xun's speech and actions .
In 1934, the magazine Human World opened a column called "Writers' Interviews," which was accompanied
by portraits of the writers interviewed. The editor of the magazine wrote to Lu Xun, asking for permission to interview him and to take a picture of him with his study in the background, and a picture of Lu Xun with Xu Guang
ping and Zhou Haiying. Lu Xun wrote a very humorous letter to be rejected:
"The name of the writer is quite beautiful, the past is not self-esteem, once thought that it might be possible to abuse the example of taro. Recently
Quietly awakened, has been shy to say.
There is no thought in my head, no study in my apartment, and
'Mrs. and Mr.' has nothing to do with the literary world, so I don't dare to accept any of the three kinds of orders. If
Mr. Zhang is to write another "pseudo-biography of writers", he will list the books, set up shelves, and
welcome them to the ground."
Note: "Iron Teeth, Copper Teeth, Ji Xiaolan," a hilarious story centered on the conflict between Emperor Qianlong, the powerful traitor and king, and the flamboyant scholar Ji Xiaolan, is really just a kind of parody.
Being regarded as an advocate by the emperor
Ji Xiaolan in the Qianlong and Jiaqing dynasties, although the official minister of the Ministry of Rites, associate university professors and other posts, its real dedication, or in culture. As the "Siku Quanshu" chief compiler, with the "Siku Quanshu" compilation, his academic contribution, can be said to have reached the zenith. As for participation in state decisions, it may not have been as useful. Qianlong once reprimanded Ji Xiaolan words, undoubtedly told the truth. Qianlong said to Ji Xiaolan: "I let you lead the compilation of the Siku Quanshu because of your outstanding literary talent. In fact, but you as a playwright in general raised around, how dare you talk about state affairs. "In fact, Ji Xiaolan a lot of poetry and song, but also in the ceremonies and other rituals, extreme singing, whitewashing, catering to the highest ruler of the feudal dynasty tends to be the scene of the work. Its not on the temple of a large number of notebooks novels, such as "reading microcosmic notes", "Luan Yang summer record", "such as I heard", but widely circulated.
Each straw man and this bitch is not a person Ji Xiaolan is remembered for his wit. Here are two prominent examples--
On one occasion, the king asked Ji Xiaolan to inscribe a plaque for his pavilion. Ji decided on the word "Zhubao". The king was happy to make a plaque and hang it on the pavilion. One day, Emperor Qianlong came to the pavilion and saw the plaque. He told the king the true meaning of the plaque, saying that it was a scolding of your family for being straw men. The king of the country, therefore, was looking for a chance to retaliate. He really let the king
caught the opportunity, Ji Xiaolan therefore was deposed, sent to Urumqi. It turned out that Ji Xiaolan's children's in-laws, the two Huai Salt Transportation Lu Ya-yu shortfall in the treasury, reading scholar Ji Xiaolan was informed of this matter on duty in the inner court, they sent a man, with a paste and salt sealed envelope, envelope containing a little tea, but did not write a word. Lu received this letter, understand the "salt case deficit check (tea) copy" metaphor, hastily transferred the property. When the raid took place, not much of the assets could be found. The king
sent someone to investigate the matter, reported to the emperor, Ji Xiaolan was sent to Urumqi for informing.
On one occasion, an official's mother celebrated her birthday, and the official asked Ji Xiaolan to write a poem to congratulate her. Ji Xiaolan opened his mouth and chanted: "This bitch is not a person", and the people present were horrified. Ji Xiaolan read, "The Goddess of the Nine Heavens descends to the mortal world" without changing color. This phrase, everyone not only hanging heart down, but also happy to laugh. Who expected Ji Xiaolan chanted another sentence, "to have a son to be a thief". All of a sudden, everyone just put down the heart hangs up again, Ji Xiaolan but calmly recited the last line, "Stole the peaches to serve his mother." With three twists and turns, this poem became an instant favorite. Ji Xiaolan's talent for intelligence, wit, and witticism is admired.