LIE DETECTOR
Daddy had a lie detector and he asked Edward, "How did you do in math today?"
Deva replied, "A" The lie detector went off!
Deva said again: "B" The machine went off too!
Deva said again instead: "C" The machine went off again!
Dad got angry and shouted, "I used to get A's!"
Then the lie detector machine tipped over!
Calculation
A proctor was staring in wonder at a student rolling the dice, and strangely enough .....
The student rolled the same question several times ....
Then he asked the student why.
The student replied helplessly, "Don't you need to check your math?
Professor
"I brought a frog with me today," the zoology professor told the students, "fresh from the
pond. We're going to dissect the frog in this class."
He pulled out a cardboard box and carefully opened it. Inside the box was a ham sandwich.
"Strange," the professor was very surprised, "I clearly remember having lunch.
Lying-in
One night, a boys' dormitory lying-in session lasted until 3 a.m., when a sudden desire to discuss a problem arose: "What's the first thing to say when you meet a
pretty girl?" A certain gentleman woke up from his dream and said, "Forget it, let's go to sleep!"
Cheating
"Polonius was expelled for cheating."
"What happened?"
"He was caught counting his ribs on a physical hygiene test."
Tsinghua Teacher
A young teacher at Tsinghua loved mahjong, once, he played all night, and the next morning at 7:40 a.m.
There was a class, and he got off the table at 7:30 a.m., and rushed to the fourth class. It just so happened that the duty student hadn't erased the blackboard that day.
He shouted, "Who's the banker?" The duty boy didn't dare to answer, he had to erase it himself, but
the blackboard eraser couldn't be found, he shouted again: "Where did the whiteboard go?" .....
This was a language class, and when he was talking about vocabulary, the teacher picked up the chalk and wrote "China" on the blackboard,
and then said, "Look at the whiteboard, class, there's a red center on it."
Flavor
The language teacher noticed that Zhang San was sleeping in class, and was rather angry, so she woke him up and asked, "Why are you sleeping in class.
But Zhang San refused to admit to sleeping.
Zhang San: I didn't sleep.
The teacher: Then why did you close your eyes.
Zhang San: Teacher, I was reading the text silently.
The teacher didn't believe me and said, "Then why are you nodding your head?
Zhang San: Teacher, you're doing a good job in your lecture.
The teacher still didn't believe me and said, "Then why are you drooling?
Zhang San: Teacher, your lecture is very flavorful.
The teacher asked the two students, "Have you done a good deed today?"
The two students answered in unison, "Yes!"
The teacher asked, "What was done?"
Student: "We helped an old lady cross the street."
Teacher: "Well, that's good, but why did it take two people to help an old lady cross the street?"
Student: "Because that old lady didn't want to cross the street in the first place."
So that's how it is
When the school goes on its annual trip, boys and girls in junior high school always come to the trip separately because of their different interests. The girls walk around in
swimsuits, showing off and enjoying the sunshine. The boys rolled up their pants and caught
small fish in the water.
One of the teachers who watched over the children lamented, "I don't remember girls being this
mature when I was in middle school."
"Of course there were, only you were too busy catching minnows!" Another teacher said blandly.
During class, a student was reading a comic.
The teacher noticed and asked, "What are you doing?
"I'm looking for something."
"Looking for what?"
"Looking, looking for ......."
The neighboring student replied, Looking for excuses.
History teacher: why did you leave early?
Bailey: I have an important appointment.
History teacher: History or girlfriend important?
Balik: If I'm late again, she's going to be history!!!!
History teacher: @##$%%^
Surface tension
Two biochemists are sitting in front of their lab drinking coffee when a beautiful woman walks by outside.
The more sophisticated biochemist sees the demented look on his colleague's face and
says, She's more than seventy-five percent water, just like us.
The colleague, still looking dazed, said, "Yes, but look at the surface tension!
Team Coach
This is what my professor told us, he used to teach in the United States, there are some team students have never been to school, but the university is also
to graduate, and after that you can enter the professional basketball team to play the nba, and often return to his alma mater as a team coach after retirement.
One student (let's call Jordan) is graduating, but he can't pass calculus, so he can't graduate and play nb
a! So he asked his coach, who was also the coach of the school team, to help him plead for mercy.
The coach: "Professor, please let Jordan pass ah nba waiting for him for a long time!
Professor: "Okay!
Professor: "Well, since the coach has come to help plead, I'll give you one last chance."
"One plus one equals how much?"
Jordan immediately answered without thinking, "Two."
The coach: "Professor, please give him another chance."
Remember to brush your teeth!
One day in a biology experiment, we observed our own salivary cells and recorded them under a microscope.... Just when everyone was excited
to observe and study, a scream ...... . Ah~ It turned out to be from the beautiful assistant professor . The professor thought
what happened, so he ran over to take a look at the end of her microscope, he told her: the next time you are done, remember to brush your teeth
rinsing your mouth!
Sex Education
One day. Xiao Ming came home from class very sad.
Mom then asked Ming: What happened?
Small Ming replied: Xiaohua in the class knew where he came from. But I don't even know
Mom thought it was a good time to tell Ming about what happens between men and women, and to give him a proper education about sex
Mom then began to tell Ming that boys fall in love with girls. Then they get married...and also how the sperm meets the egg
Mom told Ming everything she knew.
When mom finished teaching to her satisfaction.
Xiaoming was still confused. Looking at his mom. With a few tears dripping from the corner of his eyes, he said:
Small Hua said he came from Yilan. But mom said a lot of things I still don't know where I'm from.
A teacher in a classroom was introducing her students to the Japanese custom of surnames.
She said: "If there is a Japanese name with the word 'Taro' in it, then he must be the first son, and if there is
'Jiro' in his name, then he must be the second son. ...... Below, who can name a Japanese with such a name?"
A student stood up and answered loudly:Yamamoto Isoroku
The teacher was lecturing up there when a little boy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I want to a shit."
The teacher listened and taught the student: "You can say it in another, more civilized way."
The student thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my ass wants to puke."
A student asked the teacher how to write the word "shit", and the teacher forgot for a moment, so he had to say:
"It's right there in front of my mouth, so how can it not come out?"
The fourth-grade brother was so fat that people used to make fun of him.
One day, the teacher asked the class to start writing down in their contact books what they did for their families every day.
The younger brother couldn't come up with anything, so his mother filled it out for him. In the book, she wrote, "Every day I help the family eat."
The teacher's comment was, "I can see you're working hard!"
Men's thoughts
Miller, a senior majoring in agriculture at a university, returned home for the summer. A neighbor's wife, who wanted to raise chickens, came to ask for his advice. Based on the data provided by the wife
on the number of chickens in her coop and the amount of food she had to feed them, Miller told her that it would be more appropriate to raise about 30 hens and one or two roosters. At the end of the summer vacation, Miller wanted to go and see
how his "idea" had been implemented. But he was dumbfounded by the chicken coop. Inside were 30 hens and 30 roosters."
Too, for 30 hens, one or two roosters would be enough. Too many roosters won't be able to lay eggs, but will be a waste of food."" You mean, let one or two roosters occupy so many hens?" Mrs. Neighbor said with a red face." Yes."" That's just what you men think, and I won't do it!"
Graduation Ceremony
At the graduation ceremony, the principal announced that the top student of the year would come up to the stage to receive the award, but after several consecutive shouts, the student slowly came up to the stage.
The teacher then asked the student to come up to the stage. Then the teacher asked the student, "What's wrong? Is he sick? Or did
you not hear me correctly?" The student replied, "No, I did not. The student replied, "No, I was afraid that the other students hadn't heard me."
What is courage...
During the final exams of the philosophy department at a university, their professor asked an essay question on what is courage. One student wrote "this is" on the paper and turned it in...
And got an a
What is courage? The result was a .........
Relativity
One day Ming ran into the classroom, then stood up, then left the classroom again, just as the teacher turned around
The teacher turned around
and said, "This is what it means to be courageous. The teacher turned around
Seeing Xiao Ming's back ...... teacher began to scold ....... Said...nowadays people more and more do not know the benefits of reading...
...The teacher went on to say.... Good...he does not take my class..... I when off his ...... teacher asked the class president said: the student just now
What is the name of the student .... The class president said .... He is from the next class.... Just went to the wrong classroom ......
Jokes in the dormitory
I have a classmate who never buys handkerchiefs, and goes to other people's places to get them whenever he needs them. Once at my place to get
when I saw the handkerchief, I was very angry at him, said: how do you always that my handkerchief? Why don't you buy it yourself? He said, "Don't be so stingy! It's just a little bit of toilet paper, I'll give it back to you when I'm done with it!
Reaction
One day, Joe walked into the classroom, and all his hair was standing on end, and the teacher asked what was wrong.
Joe said, It's a reaction to the hairspray.
The next day, Joe walks into class with a shiny head and the teacher asks about it.
Joe says: It's my father's reaction to hairspray.
___
Tsinghua military training
Recently, Tsinghua has been digging holes everywhere because of laying cables.
One day, a foreign school students to play, first see the pits everywhere,
After seeing rows of students in uniform military training, can not help but sigh aloud: Tsinghua military training is really formal ah, but also dug so many
trenches.
The Globe
The director of a school inspected the school and saw a globe in the classroom, so he asked the schoolboy A: "Tell me, why is the globe
tilted at twenty-three and a half degrees?". Schoolboy A was horrified and replied, "I didn't do it." At that moment, another student B came into the classroom. When the Director asked again, Schoolboy B replied, "You know, I just came in too, I don't know anything."
The Director, puzzled, asked the teacher what was going on. The teacher said apologetically, "You can't blame them, the globe was already like this when they bought
it." The principal, seeing the director's face getting uglier and uglier, rushed forward to explain, "I'm ashamed to say so,
" the principal laughed with the teacher, "Because of the school's limited funds, we bought the globe."
The teacher asked Xiao Qiang, "Who burned down the Yuanmingyuan?" Xiao Qiang said aggressively, "Teacher. , no no I didn't burn it."
"What? You you you. Call your dad," the teacher said angrily. After school, Xiao Qiang's dad came and the teacher said to him
"Today I asked your son who burned the Yuanmingyuan and he actually said he didn't burn it, that's ridiculous isn't it?" Little
Strong's dad blinked and said hesitantly, "Teacher, it really.... It wasn't him. Burned it, our boy wouldn't do this.
Why don't ..., we ... pay for it, okay?
The master chef of Tsinghua
Tsinghua deserves to be called the House of Academic Science and Technology, and the master chef of the cafeteria, who has learned from the experience, has been smothered by the sun and the moon, and also needs to be impressed!
The word is that one day a person of southern origin lined up to buy small dumplings,
The master said: to si a dumpling. (This public four, ten not divided.)
Master: How many?
This man: si?
Master: how many?
This male is anxious, out of a sentence, "ten, of course
The master replied: "I see! Then quickly gave this male forked ten buns, and added a sentence: "I told you not
knot, so much effort!
And then he quickly gave him ten buns.
All the people are jaw-dropping ......
Xiaoming said to his parents as soon as he got home today, "I'm the only one who could answer the question the teacher asked at school today.
The parents asked with great pride, "What was the question? "The teacher asked who didn't hand in their homework."
___
The teacher asked the students: "How do you explain 'sharing pain with others makes it half as bad'?
Len replied, If my father hits me, I then hit my brother!
___
Professor: xxx, please shake the guy next to you up, this is a class, not bedtime
Student: Professor, please shake him up, you're the one who made him fall asleep
___
There were always posters on the notice boards at the beginning of each semester selling used textbooks. One of them said, "Introductory Mind
Science. Fifty dollars. Never used." Next to the signature, it said, "Must be sold."
The next day, a note was added to the notice: "The price is fair. But you've really never used it?" The signature
was "possible buyer." Below the confession, in different handwriting, it reads, "I can guarantee it!" Signed
by 'the professor who graded his
examination paper'.
Self-appreciation
Freshman year, a good-looking room and like to face the mirror to look at self-pity, and even the big exams are approaching, but still can not let go of the mirror.
The room is worried about her homework, and the mirror is not a good place to look at. The first time I saw her, I was worried about her schoolwork and I tried to talk her out of it, but she sighed softly and said, "Is it possible that being beautiful is also a kind of mistake?"
"Don't worry," said the silent head of the room, "you've never made a mistake like this before."
Three school girls were talking about a man who came to the school to ask for marriage.
A (a junior undergraduate): How tall is he and is he handsome?
B (master's student): What does he do and how much does he make?
C (PhD student): where is he!!!!
(Purely fictional, please do not mind)
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Welcome
At the beginning of the new semester, we seniors went to the station to welcome new students.
When I saw a young girl standing by a large suitcase, I took the initiative to help her lift it.
The box weighed more than
thousands of pounds, and I was too embarrassed to put it down, so I struggled to hold it up.
Only after a few steps, the girl said to me, "If you can't carry it, get lost.
When I heard this, I was furious, put down the box, and looked at her angrily.
The girl froze for a few seconds before pointing to the bottom of the box with a red face and telling me: I mean the wheels.
Interpretation
A university professor told his students, "In ancient times, 'lu' meant kissing, mouth to mouth, very graphic;" one of the
students asked, "What if 'lu' means kissing, then what about 'pinyu', three people kissing together
?"
The professor was about to get angry when another student got up and said, "I think the word 'Pin' is okay to explain, what about 'ware' Yu? Four people
and a dog lies in what?" The class erupted in laughter, and the professor slammed his book.
___
Children can be taught
Teacher: "What's your name and why are you trick-or-treating?"
Student: "My name is Wang Xiaodu."
Teacher: "Speak politely to your teacher, you must add the title 'Mr.', got it?"
Student: "Yes, my name is Mr. Wang Xiaodu."
Stomp you to death...
A renowned professor of botany and his teaching assistant were researching new varieties of plants, and suddenly the teaching assistant asked the professor: teaching
Professor if you are in the field in the internship class, and encountered a plant that you do not know, what to do? The professor replied, "To avoid questions from my classmates
so I usually go to the front of the class, and then I stomp on the plants I don't recognize.
One day in a science and chemistry class, the teacher announced that there would be a quiz in the next class. Xiao Ming was nervous and immediately raised his hand to ask the teacher if he would
won't the test be very difficult, the teacher only said: ? Very simple. The teacher only said: "It's very simple." Everyone clapped and shouted, but
After the test, everyone failed miserably, so how could it be simple?
The teacher said: "I'm not wrong, it's very easy, but it's very difficult to get the remaining 90 points!
There is a professor who teaches every class in order not to let the students feel bored
, so the world will say some jokes to make the students uplift their spirits, but
girls think that the professor are talking about colorful jokes, do not think
think that the professor should have the dignity of a professor, so together
discussed that if the professor next time to say again, then immediately stand up and walk
the professor said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
If the professor said that the next time he said something, he would get up and walk
out of the classroom. Unfortunately, the boys knew about it and ran to talk to the
professor and the professor said that it was okay for me to fix it, and then
One time in class, the professor started to talk about it again! He said: "I heard that recently
, Paris ㄚ is short of prostitutes! When the girls heard this, they started to give each other the
eye roll and said that the professor had started telling colorful jokes again, and that he was going to
move on with his plan, and just as they stood up to get out of the
classroom, the professor said: "Well, don't! These girls ㄚ, don't be
so hasty! The plane to Paris doesn't leave until tomorrow!