Who can tell me a few jokes!

Passionate Service After two years with my girlfriend, both parents finally recognized our relationship. So we decided to get a marriage license. The person who issued the license for us was a very enthusiastic young man who humbly told us, "Today is my first day on the job, so please evaluate my work." My wife and I pressed the "very satisfied" button on the evaluator. The young man was very happy and said to us, "Thank you, you are welcome to come back next time." Shorter and Shorter On the dance floor, a man was dancing with a strange girl. The man asked, "You are an amazing person, dancing with you, I feel the dance music becomes shorter and shorter." The girl replied, "What's so strange about that, the orchestra conductor makes my fiancé." DOCTORS KNOW MUCH A man was hit by a car in the street, and at the hospital his wife said to the doctor, "He is badly hurt, I suppose. "I'm afraid he's dead." The doctor replied. Hearing this, the injured man moved his head and said, "I'm not dead, I'm alive." "Be quiet," said the wife, "the doctor knows more than you do." Worshiping the New Year Having taught my 4-year-old daughter a few hysterical phrases, I look for opportunities to test her memory and comprehension. On this day, I asked, "Honey, what's the second half of the phrase 'The weasel pays homage to the chicken'?" My daughter blinked her eyes and said, "Is it 'The chicken became an official'? SMS Scammers Yesterday I received a text message saying I had won the jackpot and asking me to wire the processing fee to a number quickly. I half an hour later by hand back a: "has deposited 5,000 yuan, please check. Today at noon, I received a reply: "Have run to the bank three times, and still have not received your money, you liar." 1. The teacher asked the students to get up and memorize the text, Woof Woof, Mi, Ming and Luo all raised their hands, why did the teacher only call Woof Woof up to answer? Why did the teacher only call Woof Woof up to answer? Because Woof Woof memorized it first (Want Want Xian Bei) 2. Two birds saw a hunter with a gun aiming at them, so one of them flew away and said to the other: "Don't move, protect the scene, I'll go to the police. 3. Why didn't the white rabbit marry the zebra? ==> Because the rabbit mother said tattoos are not good children 4. When can Taiwan be unified? ==>When you buy instant noodles (Unified Instant Noodles) 5.What line does the monkey not like? ==>Parallel lines (because there is no intersecting <banana>) 6.Chocolate and tomato fight, why is the chocolate win? ==> Because chocolate bars 7. What happens when a shark eats a green bean? ==8. What happens when a match burns and goes to the hospital? ==> Cotton swabs 9. Lin Daiyu is how to die? ==>Fell to death (the sky fell a sister Lin) 10. a pig said: "come on ah", playing a food? ==> chocolate 11. potato stabbed bun fatal knife, how? ==> into bean paste (kill) package 12. what animal favorite posted on the wall? ==>Seal (newspaper) 13. fox why often fall? ==> because the fox is very cunning (foot slippery) 14. 4 people in the house to play mahjong, the police came why take away 5 people ==> because they play the people called "mahjong" 15. when do you like to drink soda? ==> in the lonely (when you are lonely you will want to soda) 16. There is an egg to go to the teahouse to drink tea, and then what happened? ==> It turned into a tea egg 17. There is a buck, it walks, walks faster and faster, finally how? == > It turned into a highway 18. Gold, wood, water, fire and earth, who has the longest legs? == > fire, because ham is long (ham hock) 19.Q: a rabbit and a very fast turtle race, guess who won la? A: The rabbit~~ Q: Wrong~! It was the tortoise who won the race. It was said that the tortoise was a very fast runner, and it ran very fast. Q: The rabbit was not willing to race a tortoise wearing sunglasses. A: Uh-huh. Hare it Q: Wrong~~! The tortoise took off his sunglasses, too! Again, it was the turtle that ran very fast just now Oh ^O^ 20. Q; What kind of mouse walks on two feet? A: Mickey Mouse. 21. Q: What kind of duck walks on two feet? A: Donald Duck. Q: Wrong, all ducks walk on two feet! 22. Q: What do African cannibal chiefs eat? A: People! Q: Then one day the chief got sick and the doctor told him to be a vegetarian, so what did he eat? A: Eat vegetarians! ~~ 23.What kind of person can't work at a gas station? ==>A person who is oily (the gas gun slips off) 24.Are dumplings for boys or girls? ==>Boys because dumplings have a skin 25. dressed in gold clothes ==>A surprised (gold) people 26. a bee stung on the calendar ==>Wind (bee) and sunshine (calendar) 27. a bear came over ==>Prepared (bear to come) 28. cell phone can not be dropped in the toilet ==>Opportunity can not be lost (wet) 29. ten sheep, nine squatting in the sheepfold ==>A good idea. Nine squatting in the sheepfold ==> Iambic pentameter (a sheep squatting wrong) 30. How to make the sparrow quiet down? ==>Press it a little bit (crow silence) 31. Transparent sword is what sword? ==> invisible (sword) 32. African cannibalism chiefs eat what, A: eat people, that chiefs want to eat vegetarian? ==>Eat plants 33.Why are there no dinosaurs now? ==> Dinosaurs to make a movie 34. White is very much like his brother, know why? ==> really like the big white 35. There is an egg ran to the Songhua River swimming, how? ==> turned into a pineapple egg 36. There is an egg ran to the Shandong, how? ==> into the Lu (brine) eggs 37. There is an egg homeless, how? ==> into a wild egg 38. There is an egg on the road accidentally fell, fell to the ground, how? ==> into a reverse (guide) bomb 39. There is an egg ran into the flowers, how? ==> turned into a flower girl 40. There is an egg to the Dead Sea swimming, how? ==> turned into a salty egg Superman 41. Xiaoming and Xiaohua to the seaside competition to tell jokes, finished jokes, they died, why? ==> because the tsunami (laughs) 42. why Hanzi not go out? ==> Because once you go out, you become a layman. 43. Why can't you see God's penis? ==>Tianji (heavenly chicken) can not be revealed 44. Why is only the tip of the iceberg? ==>Because the other corner was broken by the Titanic 45.How to make ducks do not fly away? ==> Insert a wing to it (insert wings difficult to fly) 46. Who does not have a telephone? ==>Tianyi (seamless phone) 47. Magazines have said to me privately: "blunt to the extreme point of the knife is the most lethal", why? ==> because it is a hammer 48. Chang'e why rush to the moon? ==> Houyi shot nine days, even if the gods he can not stand ah 49. small black, small white, small yellow, small red four people on the plane, ask who will be dizzy opportunity to vomit? ==> White rabbit (spit) 50. There is a fat man jumped from a high building, what happened? ==> into a dead fat 51. There are two people fell into the trap, the dead people called dead people, living people called what? ==> Help 52. Eraser, tiger skin, lion skin which one is the worst? ==> Eraser (rubber poor) 53. cloth and paper afraid of what? ==> not (cloth) afraid of ten thousand, only (paper) afraid of what if 54. The following appearance of this guest is the pride of our Chinese men, is a singer, you guess who? ==> Gu Jiu Chicken 55. Which song has "Coco Lee" in the lyrics? ==>The moon represents my heart (Coco Lee how deep I love you) 56. Why does Harry Potter live in a light bulb? ==>Because Harry Potter is a wizard(tungsten filament) 57.What is the most delicious unicorn? ==What kind of unicorn is the best? ==> countryside, because the countryside river is too fast (and frying too fast) 61. a, b, c, d, e, f, g, xin, that a word the coolest? ==>D (thong) 62. There is a room where pigeons will hide ==>I hide your song on the roof (pigeon) 63. 12 o'clock at night exactly to do what thing? ==>Clutching, because it's time to clasp 64.Police, hooligans, soldiers, which one is the thinnest? ==>Hooligans (Professor Hooligan - thinner) 65.There is a moron on the plane, the toilet on the plane removed to throw, guess why? ==> Because he is an idiot 66. Aladdin has a few brothers? ==> three (Ara A, Ara B, Ara C) 67. a group of eunuchs chatting, guess an idiom ==> nonsense (no chicken talk) 68. a heart worth how much money? ==> 100 million (one heart) 69. sun, moon, stars which is dumb? ==>Star (the stars in the sky do not speak - Rubin flowers) 69. pencil last name? ==> Xiao, sharpen (Xiao) pencil 70. What color is the most imitation? Red (mill) imitation 71. Who will help you add rice when you are full? ==> Flying Dragon Well, because Flying Dragon in (day) Tim 72. A dog traveling in the desert, and died, how did he die? ==> he was suffocated, because there is no pole in the desert to pee a puppy traveling in the desert, found a pole, but still suffocated, why? ==A little dog traveled through the desert and found a telephone pole with nothing on it, but it still suffocated, why? ==A puppy traveling in the desert found a telephone pole with nothing on it, got in line, and died, why? ==> Because behind are two beautiful dog MM, he was embarrassed 73. wolf, tiger and lion who play the game will be eliminated? ==Who will definitely be eliminated in the game? ==Which historical figure is the fastest runner in history? ==Cao Cao 76. Car will fly, please guess a drink ==> coffee (Car fly) 77. Once upon a time there is a steamed bun, ate a meatball, what happened? ==> change the bun 78. Forget the water is who gives? ==> ah ha ("ah ha, give me a cup of forgetfulness water") 79. There is a white cat and a black cat, the white cat fell into the water, the black cat to save it up, the white cat said to the black cat what? ==>Meow 80.Xiao Ming's grandfather brushed his teeth and sang at the same time, may I ask why? ==>Brush the false teeth 81.How much does a star weigh in the sky? ==>Eight grams (starbucks starbucks) 82.tw is part of China (playing a Chinese herb name) ==>Angelica sinensis 83.Jade Emperor sneeze (playing a city name) ==>Tianjin 84.Why geese in the fall to fly to the south? ==> If you go too slow 85. Farmer raised 10 cows, only 19 horns, why? ==>There is a rhinoceros 86.Fat is a famous diving athlete, but one day he stood on the diving board, but do not dare to jump down, this is why? ==> because there is no water below 87. a cab on the highway driving normally, and did not violate any traffic rules, but was a police to stop, why? ==>The police want to take a taxi 88.What kind of chicken has no wings? ==>Chicken 89.Hit what is both effortless and very comfortable? ==>Doze off 90.What is the product with the same date of manufacture and expiration date? ==>Newspaper 91.What book can't you buy in a bookstore? ==>Posthumous books 92.Best-selling book? ==A spider fell in love with a butterfly, but the butterfly rejected it, why? ==My mom said, all day in the network are not good people 94. panda y in love with the deer, to express their love but was rejected, why? ==> deer timidly said: my mom said, wearing sunglasses are bad boys 95. zoo meeting who did not go to participate? ==> lion (because the lion "lost" to contact) 96. fat man sitting in a sedan chair (playing a place name) ==> Yugoslavia (difficult to die Lav) 97. toilet (playing the name of a Hong Kong female artist) ==> Karen Mok (reason: Mo Wenwei smell) 98. grandpa, dad, brother, who listened to his mother's words will be in tears? ==> Grandpa (night and day) remembered mom's words, flashing tears 99. There are two bees very much in love, and then the female bee married a spider why? ==> Because the female bee loves the Internet 100. daytime good, night sad (playing a building) ==> One Tree Bridge 101. showbiz which star is stuttering? ==>Fan Weiqi (because ...... Fan Weiqi: "Hello everyone, I'm Fan Fan Weiqi") 102: If there is a car, Xiaoming is the driver, Xiaohong is a passenger, then the car is whose? ==If there is a car, Xiao Ming is the driver and Xiao Hong is the passenger, then whose car is it? "If there is a car, what will become of the unicorn at the North Pole? ==The unicorn is an ice cream! 104: Which is older, McDonald's or KFC? ==KFC is the older one! Because the image of KFC is grandpa and McDonald's is uncle. 105: Xiao Ming is trying to cross a bridge and two ghosts appear on the opposite side, a red ghost and a green ghost. And Ming has a gun with only two bullets. It takes one round to kill the green ghost and two rounds to kill the red ghost. Should we kill the red ghost first? Or the green ghost? ==>The green ghost (because the red ghost saw the green ghost dead, and was so shocked that his face was green with fear, before he shot the red ghost) 106. a buck, which walked, walked faster and faster, and finally it became a highway (deer)! 2. two tomatoes crossing the road, a car sped past, one of them dodge was flattened, the other tomato pointing to be flattened tomatoes laughed: dig hahahaha, ketchup. 107. The big bad wolf said, "I'm going to eat you!" Guess what? The big bad wolf ate the lamb. 108. There was a duck called Little Yellow. One day he was hit by a car, and he cried out, "Quack!" From then on he turned into a little cucumber!!!! 109. The matchstick suddenly felt an itch on his head, so he reached out and scratched it, and scratched and burned himself to death. 110. once upon a time, there was a bird who passed by a cornfield every day, but unfortunately, one day, there was a fire in the cornfield, and all the corn turned into popcorn, and the bird flew over there and... He thought it was snowing and died of cold... 111. When will Taiwan want to unify? When you buy instant noodles 112. Ah Chung and Ah Pak were chatting about nothing and said to each other that the years have not been kind to each other. Ah Chung: "When I remember my childhood, the happiest day was Children's Day." Ah Pak: "After ten years, it will be Youth Day." Ah Chung: "In ten years, it will be Father's Day." Ah Pak: "After a few more decades it's Old Man's Day." Ah Song: "Another couple more decades." Ah Pak: "Ching Ming Festival." 113. A college student was unfortunately captured by the enemy, who tied him to a telephone pole and then asked him, "Say, where are you from? If you don't tell me, I'll electrocute you!!!" This college student returned the enemy's words, and as a result was electrocuted He said, "I'm from the University of Electricity!" 114. Happy Dictionary program host Wang Xiaoya interviewed a viewer of the program and asked, "Which female host do you admire most in your mind?" The audience said, "It's you." Wang Xiaoya asked, "Why do you say that?" The audience said, "Because you look a bit like Yang Lan!" 115. Do you know what color Spiderman is? Red. Wrong! If you don't believe me, read the English word for spider man: spider man (是白的人) 116. Why did Ming fall down? Please think twice because the floor is slippery. 117. Mom told Pippi to get up: "Get up quickly! The rooster has crowed several times!" Pippi said, "What's the rooster's crowing got to do with me? I'm not a hen!" 118, the father told his daughter when he was a child often hungry, after listening to the daughter with tears in her eyes, very sympathetic to ask: "Oh, Dad, you are because there is no food to eat to come to our home?" 119, the child asked his mother: "Why do you call Mr. Chiang 'ancestor'?" His mother said, "Because 'ancestor' is the name given to a dead person." The child said: "Then to the dead grandmother should not be called 'fresh milk'?" 120, mom often told Xiaomei: "wear a skirt when you can not swing, otherwise, will be little boys see inside the little panties Oh! One day, Xiaomei said happily to her mother: "Mom, today I swung with Xiaoming competition, I won!" Her mother said angrily, "Didn't I tell you? Don't swing while wearing a skirt!" Xiaomei proudly said: "But I'm so smart! I put inside the little panties off, so he could not see my little panties!" 121, the daughter is very curious about the navel, asked her father, her father connected to the umbilical cord and the mother's reasoning briefly, said the baby left the mother's body, the doctor to cut the umbilical cord, and tied a knot, and later became the navel. Daughter said: Why didn't the doctor tie a bow? 122, one day, Xiaoming and his father went out to play, to the time of dinner, his father led him to the door of a small restaurant, Xiaoming died not to go in, his father asked him why, Xiaoming pointed to the sign in front of the restaurant and said: "I do not want to eat piss fried rice -" the original! The sign reads: "Piss Fried Rice". 123. Father: Pierre, don't go to school today, your mother gave birth to two little brothers last night. Just tell the teacher. Pierre: Dad, I only said I had one, and I want to save the other one for next week when I don't want to go to school. 124, Papa Barker sat on a park bench to rest, a child stood next to him for a long time, has not gone, Barker is very strange, so he asked: "Little angel, why do you always stand here?" The child said: "This bench has just been painted, I want to see what you stand up after the look." 125. A student always takes other people's hand towels when he goes to the toilet and never buys his own. Once, he was seen by someone when he took the paper, and the person said angrily, "Why do you always use other people's hand towels? Why don't you buy your own?" He said, "Why are you so stingy? It's just a little tissue. I'll just give it back to you when I'm done!" 126, Mom: Pierre, you want to eat a piece of sweet cake? Pierre did not respond, mom asked again: Pierre, do you want to eat a piece of sweet cake? Pierre said: Yes, mom. Mom said: Why do I have to ask you twice? Pierre: Because I want to eat two pieces. In 127, we went on a trip and asked a local student to help us book a hotel before we arrived at our destination. When we arrived, we called him and asked him which hotel he was staying at, and he said, "Baixia Hotel. We asked again: Which BAI? He said, "Bai as in red, orange, yellow, green, blue, blue and purple. One day, the teacher asked: Who knows how many countries there are in the world? Xiao Mao said: I know! The teacher said: Then tell me what countries there are. Little Mao said: There are two countries, China and foreign countries! 129 At his aunt's house for dinner, she made fish for him to eat. The boy ate and said: this fish is really delicious, if not put the thorns would be better! 130 There was a ghost who loved to fart, and one day she farted and died... 131 A man in Price, Texas, petitioned the court for a divorce from his wife on the grounds that "she had hung pictures of her four ex-husbands on the wall above our bed". 132 At the Water Festival, people were pouring water on each other to wish them well, when suddenly a man cursed, "Damn, who poured water on me? The other people advised: splashing you is to bless you. The curser said: less to this set, who took the boiling water to splash me to? 133 This morning I went to work to catch the bus **** car, to the station, the car has started. So I chased and shouted: "Master, wait for me, master wait for me ah! ......" This is a passenger from the car window poked his head out and said to me: "Wukong, you don't chase" 134 have this reason Outside the hospital maternity ward, a group of men are waiting to be the new father. A nurse rushes out of the delivery room and says to one of them, "Congratulations, your wife's in labor!" Another man threw his cigarette butt on the floor, jumped up and shouted: "No shit! I was here before him, why haven't I gotten my turn?" 135 A certain A went to the hospital for a health checkup, and the nurse took a needle to draw his blood. A certain A couldn't help but look at the shiny needle and ask, "Will it hurt? I'm afraid of pain!" The nurse said, "Don't worry about it, I've been a nurse for more than 20 years. ......" A said, "Great, I'm relieved!" Then the nurse a needle down, only to hear a certain a pig-like screams, the nurse slowly continued: "There is not a time that does not hurt." 136 BOTTOMING THE TROUBLE In the bar, George was drinking a beer alone. He suddenly felt like going to the restroom, and fearing that someone would steal his beer after he left, he wrote a note on the table, "I spit in my glass." When he returned, he found the paper had added, "I spit in it too." And I spit. 137 Tones Too Great Zhuge Liang was a man skilled in the eight arts of Qi Men, and one of his specialties was ventriloquism. But this day Zhuge Liang was deliberating with Liu Bei in his tent, when Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, and was afraid that Liu Bei would hear him and be embarrassed. He had an idea, said: "Lord, in order to regulate the atmosphere, I learn woodpecker call to you how?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhuge Liang imitated the woodpecker calling twice and took the opportunity to fart. Then asked, "How about it Lord? Did I learn like it?" Liu Bei said, "You learn it again, just now you farted too loudly for me to see." 138 an ugly woman never married, hoping to be trafficked, one day finally dream come true, was kidnapped, the kidnappers suspected that she was ugly, will be sent back to the original place, the woman resolutely do not get off, the head of the kidnappers gritted his teeth and stomped his feet and said: go! The car does not want! 139 Spring Festival train is very crowded, a gentleman will take advantage of the stopping buttocks out the window poop. Under the car inspector found shouted: cigar fat, head back 140 I was on the side of the road, see a penny, just want to bend down to pick up, turned out to be a mouth spit, I *, his mother, who spit so round? 141 . During a military maneuver, a shell deviated a long way. Soldiers sent to check out the soldiers found that the shell fell in the farmland, the field stood a farmer, clothes broken face full of black, eyes with tears, said: steal a cabbage, guilty of shelling it? 142 . Do you remember that year's military training under the tree? The coach said to his classmates, "First platoon report!" You looked at the coach in surprise, and the coach said loudly again, "Report!" So, with great reluctance, you turned around and hugged the tree! 144 A village woman for the first time into the city, want to go to the toilet, a long time not encountered, have no choice but to seek help from the police: comrades, there is a public toilet in front of the mother toilet, please ask where it is? 146 an old man lost his car, when he put a newly purchased car downstairs when he put three locks and clamped a piece of paper: let you steal it! The next day the car was not lost, and two more locks and a piece of paper, written on: let you ride! 147 Math class, the teacher talked about the equation transformation, on the podium sleeve a rolled up and shouted: students attention! I'm going to transform! ...... 148 Today I was watching a DVD, and my mom came in with a book and said, "Tell me what these words mean."] Mom: What does "I don't know." mean? I said, "I don't know." Mom: I've been sending you to college for a couple of years, why don't you know anything? I said, "No! I said, "I don't know"! Mom: You're still talking tough. ！！！！ (A beating) Mom: You're telling me about this. What does "i know." mean? You know what it means, tell me. I said, "I know." Mom: If you know, say it. I said, "I know." Mom, "You're picking a fight, aren't you? I said: "I know." Mom: I know. I said, "I know. Mom: I know you still do not say! (another beating) Mom: you give me to be careful, spend so much money to send you to college, now you can't do anything, will so little things still with the old lady to pose, and then ask you the last, you give me a good explanation, say it out I'm in the packing you, you give me to translate the "i know but idon't want to tell you. I know but idon't want to tell you." What does it mean? I fainted, picked up a pillow to the head of the explosion smashed more than thirty times, with the head against the wall more than forty times, hands and turns to whip their mouth more than fifty times, with the legs kick table corner more than sixty times, blood and flesh when I asked mom: this time you are satisfied with it This is not her old man came to ask me again: "son ah, i`m very annoyance, don`t tuouble me. What does that mean? " I said, "I'm very annoyance, don't tuouble me"; Mom said, "I hear nothing, repeat. I said, "I didn't hear you, repeat." Mom said it again, "I hear nothing, repeat." "Mom asked again, "What do you say?" I said, "What do you say?" Mom asked again. "What do you mean, "look up in the dictionary"?" I said, "Look up in the dictionary". I said, "Look up in the dictionary." I said, "Look up in the dictionary and I'm asking you what for." Mom asked again, "You had better ask somebody." I said, "You're my son. " "God save me!" "Playing with your mom, God can't save you! (I'll ask you again: "Use your head, then thin kit over, what does that mean! I said, "Use your head, think harder." " "Bastard, still dare to fool me" and then want to do it again I quickly said: "is the world only mother good meaning" "Well, this is more or less, a moment I will give you to cook delicious, tomorrow and ask again. I'll ask you tomorrow."