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First of all, the healthy growth of children is influenced by many factors. Not controlling does not mean that children can grow up healthily, but children who are controlled to grow up will be psychologically unhealthy to a large extent.
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Secondly, not controlling does not mean giving children absolute freedom, and there are no rules. Not controlling is to fully understand the uniqueness of children, respect their needs, treat them as an independent individual and not impose their parents' needs on them. But as social people, we also need to make rules for children gently and firmly to adapt them to society.
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Finally, why do some people control their children easily? When we want to control our children, we often feel that our mood will be better only if our children do what we want. We want our children to be responsible for our emotions, and only we can really be responsible for our emotions. Besides, controlling me is related to self-worth. Only when we have a very stable sense of self-worth will we have the courage to ignore others. Because we know that our self-worth will not be improved by others' affirmation, praise, support, praise or comfort, we are valuable ourselves, and we don't need to control others' behavior to gain a borrowed sense of value.
Adopt a democratic education method for children and give appropriate guidance when necessary.
No matter how old the child is, she is an independent person, and parents should respect her ideas.
But when he is confused, his parents should guide him appropriately.
If there are unreasonable practices or willful behaviors, parents should not indulge and spoil them blindly, but should correct and point them out in time. Help children establish scientific codes of conduct and rules from an early age.
Parents are children's teachers and best friends at the same time, so we should keep a good proper limit.
Finally, example is better than words! If parents ask children, try to do it first. Parents are a mirror of their children. Children don't listen to what you say, but watch what you do.
Only in this way can children trust you and get close to you.
I am also the mother of a child. Judging from type nine personality, I belong to type eight personality. This type has a strong desire for control. In other words, my own desire for control is obvious. Next, let's talk about my practice.
I am a person or thing that needs to be controlled by me, so that I can feel safe. Because they are all under my control, I can master them. I think if I lose control, I will feel very anxious myself. I clearly realize that this kind of control comes from myself, to satisfy myself, not to say that my control behavior is for his own good and will make him happier. Control, this is our own satisfaction with our feelings.
Children under the control of their parents may become weak, timid, unwilling to take responsibility and mediocre in the future; Or maybe it's very rebellious. Either of these two personalities is an imperfect personality. I don't want my child to be like that, so I will always remind myself that when I do something, I will think about what kind of behavior he will have against me. It was difficult at first, and the control behavior was involuntary. Later, I gradually got used to it, and it still had a great influence on me.
That's how I know that control is to satisfy my feelings, not for his good behavior. Knowing what kind of personality the controlled child has formed and what kind of influence it will have in the future, I stopped my control.
Maybe, if we stop controlling him, he may grow better and healthier. We give them enough love, make their hearts strong enough, and believe that they will grow up healthily.
first
1. Don't treat children as children, but as a person. Everyone needs to be respected and trusted.
2. Respect comes from understanding: understanding and learning the growth laws of children of different ages.
Keep learning and grow up with your children. Life is an exercise of self-improvement.
Lead: The healthy growth of children has always been a concern of everyone. In fact, no matter from which point of view, it is widely covered: "Words and deeds are not as good as example, and words and deeds are not as good as example." A healthy child is not only physically healthy, but also psychologically, spiritually, behaviorally and ideologically healthy.
Children from 3 years old to 16 years old go through attachment period, independent choice period and rebellious period respectively, and the most important stage is rebellious period. During this period, children's minds are basically mature, and reasonable guidance and guidance can make them grow up healthily and lay the foundation for entering the society in the future. At present, most of the traditional parenting methods we use are drinking and preaching, with little effect.
How to help children grow up healthily without controlling them?
First, speech is a tool for communication between people. Reasonable use and unreasonable use of tools will make a world of difference. Parents talk about their children's redundancy, which will make children slowly distance themselves from their parents. Communicate with an equal mood and a peaceful tone, think confidently and speak confidently, and subtly plant the roots of justice in children's hearts.
Second, line, line is the most subtle influence on children's movements. Parents' travel is like a shadow that accompanies their children all their lives. You can put it into practice without saying much. Parents use behavioral benchmarks to correct their children's behavior. Children's psychological behavior in the rebellious period often gets out of control. Under such circumstances, blindly blaming and beating will make the child's behavior run counter to each other and eventually fail. By the way, everything is logical, and the child returns to the right track invisibly and gallops on the road of healthy growth.
Some people may say that if you don't control your children, how can your children be successful? This is also a common problem of parents all over the world. Why do you think about your child's "endless heart and endless gas"? It is the most important thing for children to grow up healthily and happily. Don't ruin their healthy psychology for the sake of their thin faces. Even if the child becomes a talent under your control, the unhealthy growth process will bring a lifelong psychological shadow to the child.
I am Musanzi, your forever soul mate!
Judging from the subject's question, do you have a problem: on the one hand, you are worried that giving your child too much freedom, leaving him alone, your child may become crooked; On the other hand, you don't think it's a good idea to control children. So it's a little tangled?
I don't know how old your child is and what kind of situation it is at present, but in general, I have a few principles to share with you.
1, understand the basic laws of children's growth.
Children have different characteristics from birth to infancy, to childhood, to adolescence, adolescence and other different stages.
In terms of cognition, Piaget's theory of stages of cognitive development:
0-2 years old is the stage of nastic movement, and children know the world through feeling and movement. For example, babies like to taste everything in their mouths, often not for eating, but for perception and understanding.
3-6 years old is the pre-operation stage, and children have no need to produce abstract thinking. They can only know specific things. You need to borrow specific objects, such as fingers and sticks, to teach children to count.
7- 1 1 year is the specific operation stage. Children have developed abstract thinking, but they can't think completely out of concrete things. Therefore, it is best to have some models and objects to assist in learning at this time.
/kloc-after 0/2 years old, it is the stage of formal operation, at which time children have been able to skillfully carry out abstract thinking.
In terms of personality, there is Eriksson's eight-stage theory, which I won't repeat here. You can go to Baidu yourself if you are interested.
Knowing the law of children's psychological development, you will know what you should and should not do at different ages of children. At this time, educating children is not to control them, but to help them.
2. Treat children as independent individuals.
Children are not your accessories or private property, nor are they an extension of your will. He has his own personality and his own way of knowing and understanding things.
If you always ask your child to listen, see, do and think according to your ideas, he will either gradually start to rebel or gradually lose his initiative and become a passive and independent person. I don't think this is what you want to see.
Then you need to respect your child as an equal with you. On the one hand, we should respect his independence and autonomy and let him develop according to his own rhythm, ability and thinking. On the other hand, it is not easy to respect his personality. There is a story about a man who was angry with the company and didn't dare to challenge the leader. After returning home, he quarreled with his wife for an excuse. His wife scolded the child when he was upset watching TV. The child felt wronged and dared not talk back to his mother. When he saw his cat shaking, he lifted his foot and kicked it. So be vigilant and reflect on yourself.
Step 3 trust children
Parents always think that children are not sensible and need someone to take care of them, otherwise they may be unscrupulous and lawless.
In fact, it is because you took care of too much at the beginning that your child lost the ability of self-management. Then you become more and more uneasy about him and can only take care of him more and more. In the end, no matter what, you are caught in a vicious circle.
So trust the child from the beginning and believe that he knows when to eat and when not to need it; Know when it is cold and when it is hot; Know what you like and don't like; Know what is good for you and what is not. ...
Decentralize the power to the child, cultivate his independence, and let him constantly improve his ability in taking the initiative to try, so that he is more and more confident and willing to do more things. You just need to help from the side.
I hope the above can help you.
Believe in children
I want to ask you two questions about your question: 1. How do parents control their children? Second, what kind of growth belongs to your healthy growth?
In "There is an angel named Mom", it is mentioned that a child is coming to this world. He said that he would do nothing but sing and smile. He's scared. God said he would send an angel to take care of him and teach him. The angel's name is mother.
After you answer the above two questions, look for relevant books according to your child's age, and learn about the development characteristics of children at various stages, the critical period before the age of 6, and the establishment of learning ability at the age of 7-14, etc. Children need guidance and we need to help them solve problems and adapt to society. Only by truly understanding the child and having methods can we better help him establish an independent and complete personality system.
Don't try to solve the problem. Even if this method is suitable for other children, yours may not be suitable. After all, children are different individuals.
# Frontiers of psychological growth #
I am Sister Tianlan, a psychological counselor, and the mother of a child. Let me answer that.
It is impossible to really control the child completely at first.
After the baby is born from the belly, it has no viability at first, and it can't eat anything. Parents don't care about him, don't take care of him in all directions, and arrange everything for him. The baby can't live at all. His only right is to eat by himself, and he doesn't need adults to put nipples in his mouth. If you force them in, they will vomit.
The child is getting older and can eat and walk by himself, without being held or fed. This is the process of growing up and getting out of control.
Raising children is a process in which parents gradually let go of control.
From all-round meticulous care, day after day, year after year, you can take care of yourself when you grow up, and you don't need the care of your parents at all.
He can eat by himself, choose his favorite food, fill his own meals, cook his own meals, eat out and go to restaurants by himself.
He can walk, go out to play by himself, ride a bike, ride a car and drive a car. ...
He had an idea, and he began to have his own opinion.
How to let go of control? Trust.
I believe that children have grown up, can take care of themselves and have these abilities. Releasing control, he slowly stumbled and grew up. Maybe you will suffer a little loss, but you must grow. In this way, children will grow up more and more.
The less you trust him to eat by himself, the less he will eat by himself, and he still won't eat by himself as a teenager.
What is even more frightening is that because you think he is incompetent and can't take care of himself, his heart to explore the world is locked. This curiosity is gone. After all, he can't take care of himself. When he is older, you let him out, and he will refuse. I miss the age when I want to be free when I grow up. If you set him free, he won't want to grow up.
Then, people who have no desire, how can you make them work hard and have internal drive?
Parents should gradually let go of control at all ages and trust their children to take care of themselves. Of course, if something goes wrong, children can't take care of themselves at all, and parents should not rush to intervene until they can't stand it. Many times, they are embarrassed and know everything.
That's what it means when the flowers bloom. Don't rush to let your child grow up, and don't always feel that your child has not grown up.
Let's talk so much first.
I have concluded from experience and cases that I can leave my children alone, but I also want them to grow up healthily. The method is as follows:
1. Parents put their children's needs in their shoes.
Recall your childhood growth and find out your worries, hobbies, fears and other psychological needs at that time, such as parents' company and parents' personality.
Parents respect their children and treat them as human beings. (regardless of size)
What a child does, in fact, scientific research shows that he is thinking. Perhaps, he didn't do what his parents wanted, but as a parent, he should first respect his child's decision (except water, fire, electricity and other dangers), guide him in time when he is in danger, and clearly tell him the reason.
Parents should spend as much time with their children as possible, and communicate as much as possible when they encounter contradictions and conflicts with their children. First, make clear the contradiction between children and themselves. Only by communicating with each other can parents know their children's thoughts in time, and both sides can choose the right way to realize them and solve the problem truly.
4. Parents learn to control their emotions and have ways to stabilize their children's emotions.
When parents are in a bad mood, stay away from their children and don't let them become emotional "trash cans" for adults.
Parents should find another place to calm their emotions, and at the same time think: Why are they angry and why are they upset?
In addition to venting emotions blindly, you can gradually cultivate your ability to perceive and control emotions and reduce the length and frequency of losing your temper.
If parents accidentally lose their temper with their children, they need to wait for discovery and control their emotions in time.
Go back and analyze it for your child: What angered you at that time and how did your child make him feel? ...
Or have their own emotions, what impact does this have on themselves and their children? ...
With more reflection, parents can gradually learn to control their emotions and let the violent attacks come later, slower and lighter. ...
I will feel calmer every time I encounter similar incidents in the future.
A child will have different mental states at different stages. First of all, you need to know what stage your child is in. Children are curious but also self-conscious. As parents, we can't always tell him that this won't work, and that won't work either. First of all, you should master his psychology, look at the problem from his starting point and do a good job in guiding! The first step is to ask him why he did it, let him speak his mind and give him an independent space! The second step is to ask him what the consequences are of the way he chooses. Maybe the child will tell you whether the consequences are good or bad! The third step is to ask him how to solve the bad consequences. At this time, he may have many ideas. You can give him some guidance and let him try again. If the result is good, we should encourage him! What does he know about the way of re-election in the fourth part, which makes him feel that you respect him rather than control him! Cultivate children to manage their emotions and behaviors, so that children can understand that they can be their own subjects, so that children will consciously do something and cultivate good habits! Forced control sometimes produces the opposite result, because not only children, but also adults will have rebellious psychology! Only the correct guidance and encouragement is the way to make children grow up healthily! Many things must be experienced by him, and only after he has experienced them can he understand the consequences!