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Happiness and guilt in the family
The famous writer Tolstoy famously said, "All happy families are similar, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way".
China people generally attach great importance to family values. However, due to excessive attention, most families have the problem of "unclear boundaries". Unclear parenting will lead to many problems in the process of children's growth and make the family unhealthy.
Today, I share a written speech by psychologist Zeng Qifeng. He talked about ten unhealthy phenomena in China families, and vividly and popularly explained the desires and fears behind these phenomena. I also hope that parents can change it after reading it.
A healthy family has a clear division of labor, is independent of each other, and can live without each other.
An unhealthy family is that the relationship between them is not divided, and they devour each other on a symbolic level without borders.
The following is a typical case of unclear family boundaries in 10 China:
There is an overly strict father at home.
People in China often say that strict father is a loving mother, which really restricts the role of father, because father can also be gentle.
My idealized father is such a state. He has a very clear boundary with others, but he also has the ability to be gentle.
Many fathers, whose personality has not really grown into a man's state, need to be too strict to disguise themselves as a man. Actually, I'm trying to cover up the part where I didn't grow up.
If you imagine how an adolescent boy pretends to be in front of a girl he likes, you can understand what a man who already has children is doing so seriously in front of them.
There is a nagging mother at home.
Mother's excessive control over family affairs may lead to accusations and nagging. She always talks a lot to her children, thus actually satisfying her happiness through her mouth.
In short, the mother is still in the "mouth desire period".
As a mother, so much aggression and emotion are expressed through her mouth, which shows that she is abusing her husband and children with her mouth. This phenomenon is actually very common in families in China.
If you visualize the above two points, you can imagine a family, where the father is pretending to be serious, the mother is nagging and the children are abused.
Family topics are restricted.
In China's family, children's study is the easiest thing to talk about and the easiest thing to hide the truth.
Mom, dad and children have nothing to say. They can only talk about study, which is the most talked about thing in China's family.
Everyone hides behind their studies and feels safer. When parents talk about learning, they cover up their inner fears and anxieties, and they can't handle it themselves, so they take the fig leaf of learning to block it.
And topics that can't be discussed in the family, such as sex, which is a highly restricted topic.
If parents cured themselves, there wouldn't be so much fear to limit their children.
When parents feel uneasy when their children talk about a topic and don't let them discuss it, they need to look at their own uneasiness first. It is possible that they are unconscious and have a knot to untie.
If parents can constantly clean up their own knots at this time, then children will be liberated in a family way, because this knot may be unconsciously implanted by parents in childhood.
Of course, we are social people after all, and sometimes we consciously avoid some problems, which is ok, but the premise is that parents should be clear that this restriction is not for their own emotions, but for their children and to maintain the necessary boundaries between families. This requires two people, or a * * * appointment to avoid.
Over-symbolization
Now many countries have an impression of China, that is, China children all over the world are learning the piano: the piano is a very symbolic representative, and China people have given it many meanings, such as nobility, elegance, class and so on. Parents hope to rely on the piano to meet some of their own needs.
On the other hand, learning piano also implies some aggressive needs. For example, parents take their children to exams and watch them beat others.
Nowadays, children attend many art training classes, which we didn't have at that time. On the other hand, they should envy us, because at that time we played with primitive things. For example, things with low symbolic meaning, such as mud, sticks, or some small animals.
As we all know, today's children have no chance to be so close to nature, which is also the sad side of today's children.
Excessive symbolism will lead to hypocrisy, reduce one's actual living ability and lead to excessive emotional isolation.
When you can tell someone I love you directly, he won't say it, but say, I'll play you a song.
It can also be seen that the distance between heart and heart is far away. Here bread contains fear, fear of being close to another person.
Excessive background
In today's society, a very common word is "fighting dad", whether it is a university or a middle school. Before entering school, teachers should first investigate what parents do. What the child said was also made by my father and my mother.
What is the psychological motivation of this kind of speech? A person's background masks the person himself. For parents, over-proving their social background in front of their children shows that his heart is empty.
Parents are afraid that they are not a good parent in their children's minds, so they need these backgrounds to stand in front and separate their children from their true selves. After all, parents themselves feel that they are not a good parent, and they are afraid that their children will see this, so they try their best to make up a gorgeous background to block their children's sight.
Unfortunately, children are born mind readers of their parents, and they know exactly what their parents are doing.
Every adult was once a child, and it should not be difficult to realize this after careful reflection.
It's just that children are very kind, so cooperate with parents to be a good audience. In order to be realistic, at first, they often copied their parents' words and deeds and publicized their social background in school or society. The price is that children will lose their true self-worth in this process, because if they stay in falsehood for too long, they will forget the original truth.
At the same time, in society, teachers and some students cater to such behavior and are attracted by the gorgeous background, ignoring what kind of person he is and what his inherent potential and characteristics are.
Under the superficial social catering and admiration, children will gradually get farther and farther away from their true selves and be proud of their parents' background in a responsive way.
On the contrary, family background has also become the soil for other families to have inferiority complex.
Under the excessive protection of parents, children hear the voices in their parents' hearts that they think they are bad. Kindhearted children will also echo their parents' voices, plant the seeds of inferiority in their hearts and be ashamed to talk about their parents at school.
We often see some poor people being bullied at school, and this shame is a very eye-catching target in the crowd. It spread a message that I am not a good person worthy of respect.
The children around them sensitively captured this information and bullied him in response, making him repeatedly experience that I am not good enough, thus deepening such a deformed psychological motivation.
Such children will often excel in society in the future, or strive for a greater social background in anger when they grow up (as Wang Feng sang in a song, keep angry); Or destroy the social background (extreme example is terrorists); Either he feels sorry for himself and absorbs the energy of the people around him, he will unconsciously create many events, dragging people around him into the ocean of sadness or into the volcano of anger. So people around him are often moved by a sense of incompetence. Just like that year, I experienced my parents' background to suppress myself and prevent my real self from developing.
The smell of traditional Chinese medicine permeates the home, and parents think that children should always take medicine, such as taking some vitamins, suggesting that their children are sick.
What's more, there are serious physical diseases or psychogenic diseases in the family, such as hypertension, psoriasis, dizziness, migraine, etc., and he has no organic diseases himself.
This situation often reveals that this family has hidden problems, either keeping up with the previous generation or following the next generation, and this person has a keen feeling. When he discovers it, he really shows it and is collectively accused. Therefore, he often sadly chooses to sacrifice himself to maintain the superficial balance of his family.
I want to appeal to every family member to shoulder their responsibilities, to feel the criticized people, to feel their inner world, and to look at the problems that they may avoid with courage. These questions are often the repressed true self. Sometimes, people are afraid to see this, which often involves a person's sense of self-worth and self-esteem, whether it is true or not.
Overwork
I've met many families, and parents are working hard and neglecting their children.
Why are they working so hard?
Family is a place that is less rational and more emotional, and it is a place that is easy to get close to the true self. If parents stay at home for a long time, they will have no way to control themselves and roll out their vulnerability in family feelings.
So it's much safer to play with others outside.
Many children are ruined by their parents' hard work, and children are greatly neglected. Such parents have indeed made great contributions to the country and the nation, but they really owe too much to their partners and children.
Restrict children's interests.
For example, some children have good interpersonal relationships, but their studies are in a mess. Children want to establish pathological contact with their parents in a poor way, that is, tell their parents that if I have defects, you can use this to approach me.
This is an expression that there are no boundaries between family members.
Simply put, if a child has some kind of disability, it means that his parents are too close to him, and it is the aggressive behavior of their parents that makes the child lose his ability.
Family role
This is also common in China families.
For example, the father has been castrated in the family, and the mother has too much power in this family.
On the one hand, this is a sense of gender identity; On the one hand, it is also through this way to prevent my father from losing control in this family.
Dad is more aggressive and aggressive, while mom is maternal no matter how fierce, so the harm to the family will be much less.
Intergenerational participation
It is a man with poor differentiation, married a woman with poor differentiation, and then had a child. This family can be a very sticky relationship.
Because of the fear of chaos caused by this sticky relationship, we invite our children's grandparents into the family intentionally or unintentionally, which is relationship invasion.
This will dilute the relationship between parents and children in the family, which is a typical feature of China families. It runs in the family is like a pot of porridge.
Once, I asked Dr. Liu Dan a question. I asked if I could explain the difference between structured family therapy and systematic family therapy in one sentence.
Structured family therapy emphasizes that husband and wife, as the core axis of a family, should keep this axis stable and clear no matter what. As long as it exists, the foundation of this family will be fine.
In China, many families hand over the power of this axis to their children's grandparents, which may lead to many inner conflicts of children.
One of the keys to solving China's family problems is to consolidate the alliance between husband and wife and jointly resist "foreign enemies". From this perspective alone, a family will not have much problem.
I know that saying this will also arouse a lot of people's resentment, because many old people are preoccupied with their grandchildren after retirement. If I reveal their subconscious intentions, I guess I will form a relationship with many people, but think about it, for the healthy growth of the next generation, I think it is worthwhile.
Utility relation
Unconditional love means that I love you not because of who you are, but because of what you have.
Utilitarian love means that I love you only because you can play the piano, or that I love you only because you have achieved a lot in society.
This kind of conditional love is reflected in family affection, especially becoming sad.
I don't know what's the point of life if I add the kinship in my family to these utilitarian things.
Generally speaking, my utilitarian love and conditional love for a person is to isolate my unconditional love for him.
No one's personality is well developed, and no one's background is well differentiated. This unconditional love will make him panic and lose himself. Therefore, he needs to isolate his intimate relationship with another person in this conditional and externalized way.
What's the difference between a well-divided family and a badly divided family?
For example, if you live in a dormitory, you suddenly want to sing a song at two in the morning. As a result, your happiness is directly proportional to the pain of others. In other words, how happy you are, how painful others are.
In a relationship without differentiation, one person's happiness is another person's nightmare.
If you live in a separate room, the sound insulation effect is better, that is, you can sing whatever you want at night, and your happiness has no effect on them.
This means better differentiation.
In family relations, if mom and dad are personality-dependent and have no ability to distinguish and be independent, the child's departure will inevitably harm the parents' interests, so the child will suffer from various physical and mental diseases, the most serious of which is schizophrenia, because schizophrenia can never leave the family.