"Children are smart, but they just don't study hard. Being smart is useless in learning."
"When I came home from school, I locked myself in the house and nobody cared."
"It took five or five minutes to write homework, 15 minutes to find a pencil, and procrastination won the first place."
"I don't tell my parents anything. If I care, I will explode. "
"Get up and fool around, eat and fool around, sleep and fool around, and do everything."
Psychologist Zhang Guowei once said: Behind every "problem" child, there is usually a problem family.
In family therapy, there is a word called "triangle relationship". Refers to the * * * relationship between parents and children after their children are born.
In a healthy family, the triangular relationship is fluid, without hostility or alliance, caring for and supporting each other.
However, if there are many contradictions and resentment between parents, children will get stuck in the triangle relationship and become a tool to balance contradictions, which will lead to more complicated family conflicts.
How do parents keep the balance of "triangle relationship" in the family? The key is how to deal with these three relationships.
Relationship with yourself:
What kind of mood do you choose?
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ....."
There was a continuous and endless laughter from Yang Di's mobile phone, which was sent to Yang Di by his mother Zhang Jiali after receiving the transfer from Yang Di.
In the program, Yang Di spits out her mother's voice in the family group, and she doesn't breathe for 15 seconds, only the sound of "hahaha".
On weekdays, Zhang Jiali can laugh at any time and place.
When paying, the network can't be delayed. She laughed for a long time and the boss was embarrassed. When her son made money and transferred money to herself for the first time, she gave her a thumbs-up and praised her son on the phone. Laughter resounded through the office again, and colleagues laughed with it. ......
As a mother, Zhang Jiali is not without worries.
When I was a child, Yang Di was the "pistachio" in my class. He often makes teachers and classmates laugh, and he is indispensable for all kinds of entertainment. The only problem is his poor academic performance.
On one occasion, Yang Di got 9 points in the history exam. When the mother saw it, she closed her eyes and complained that she scored higher than her son. Yang Di explained that the topic was too difficult. She chose to trust her children and never blamed Yang Di for her achievements.
In the third year of high school, Yang Di often took a group of classmates home to decorate sketches, but her mother never stopped her and helped her classmates with fruit. She always thinks it is important for children to be happy but not serious.
Zhang Jiali is always an inspiring education for children. No matter what Yang Di does, she will say "good" and "great".
Career, Zhang Jiali did not stagnate, and strive to improve academic qualifications. She told Yang Di that happiness is the most important thing, and your life is your own.
Even if there are occasional conflicts with her husband, Zhang Jiali will tell her husband that we can't show any emotions in front of our children and parents, let alone bring home quarrels.
I choose to digest my emotions. When I faced Yang Di, my mother was not angry, but smiled.
Our emotions are subjective and uncontrollable, but our behaviors are controllable and optional.
French writer rabelais once said, "Life is a mirror. If you smile at it, it will smile back at you; " If you cry to it, it will cry to you. "
A happy mother is a mother who accepts herself and knows how to please herself. Expressing love for children also conveys happy energy, and children can also harvest happy emotions.
Today's Yang Di has its own whimsical style and is deeply loved by netizens.
From the clown in the short video in 2005 to the funny character in various variety shows today, Yang Di, who comes from an ordinary family and looks ordinary, is surrounded by negative and questioning voices.
Once, Yang Di was told to accept an award for a program, but after arriving at the scene, the organizer never called Yang Di's name, and Yang Di wondered whether he had won the prize.
Later, I learned that it was because Yang Di was "ugly" that he was invited to the stage to receive the award. Finally, Yang Di received a humiliating trophy backstage.
In an interview with People, Yang Di said, "My mother has a great influence on me. She taught me that there is nothing to worry about in life. There are ways and means for everything. Be happy when you are alive, be happy and laugh. "
I didn't become famous overnight, but I was tempered. It was the courage to stand up after falling down again and again.
A mother with stable emotions gives her children the best wealth, that is, giving them enough strength to resist future setbacks.
Relationship with your partner: how do you choose to love TA?
There is a saying: the best love you can give your child is to love TA's father/mother.
Regarding the love of parents, netizens shared the moment of being "abused":
"A family of four takes pictures, and the P picture is only for the wife."
"When two people walk, they will walk in front with their fingers clasped and leave me behind to watch the sunset."
"Two' hands-on' landlords, right, hand in hand!"
"I have been married for more than 30 years, one in the living room and the other in the bedroom."
Parents tolerate and support each other, and their flowing love is like a steady stream of spring water, nourishing children.
No matter how delicious the cake is, I heard that a thousand times is not as good as one bite. Children experience love and happiness at home and naturally learn how to create happiness.
How can a child who doesn't need to spend energy to digest adults' emotions and can grow up wholeheartedly not be excellent?
However, many children are not so lucky.
Some netizens have no choice but to say that after 30 years of thinking, there is still no good way to improve the relationship between parents. They are always affected by their own relationship problems and are forced to become the mouthpiece between parents.
Mother often says to her, "When I die, your father will find a younger one. He doesn't care about anything now. "
Not to be outdone, the father took his daughter and said, "I worked hard outside, and your mother stayed at home all day talking nonsense."
Her parents' slanderous words left her at a loss.
Children can't make a balance between their parents, and finally choose to bear their own anxiety and anxiety, and are forced to become the trash can of their parents' emotions.
There is a concept of "marriage tilt" in psychology, which means that one parent in a family tends to dominate family members in a destructive way, while the other parent appears dependent, weak and obedient.
In the process of growing up, children regard this tilted relationship as normal and lose the ability to establish an equal relationship, either relying on it or being strong.
Jing Tian, an actress, once revealed in the program that she had seen her parents quarreling since she was a child. Although her parents chose to divorce after the epidemic, when it comes to her parents' marriage, she has grown up and choked: "It is really a great harm for such a small child to see her parents quarreling."
Many people will have the idea of "being good to children and not getting divorced".
In fact, it is not the divorce itself that hurts children, but the children are forced to experience the horror and fear of their parents quarreling and feel the negative emotions released by their parents.
Separated parents will bring more pain to children and leave psychological trauma that is difficult to heal.
One of the best education for children is the love of parents. But when mom and dad can't continue to love each other, then a good divorce is better than a bad marriage.
Whether the relationship between husband and wife is good or bad, they are responsible for themselves and do not violate the boundaries of children. Children will naturally have room for growth.
Relationship with children:
How do you choose to interact with children?
My son won a gold medal and a bronze medal in the school sports meeting and went home happily.
At this time, his mother Fu Hancheng is still working outside. Before going to bed, my son hung the medal in the most conspicuous position and told his father to let his mother see it!
Fu Seoul was busy at work, and it was already late at night when he got home. Because there was a trip the next morning, Fu Seoul left a letter to the child to express his "heart".
In the letter, Fu Seoul told the children that he was very proud to see his gold medal, and he was even more happy with his positive, optimistic and dedicated progress in the thinking class.
At the same time, I also gave my children specific suggestions for their reference. Finally, don't forget to boast that children are the best sons!
Fu Seoul saw the children's eagerness to share and expect to be affirmed, and at the same time, she sincerely communicated with the children with her own understanding.
Parents affirm their children's progress in specific matters and express their feelings. Children get love and recognition, their hearts are happy, and their sense of accomplishment is constantly satisfied. Naturally, I will become more and more confident and more willing to communicate and express with my parents.
I am busy with work in Seoul and don't have much time to spend with my son. However, the relationship between the two is not estranged from each other, and the interaction between mother and child is varied.
In a song "Seven Pa Shuo", Fu Seoul read a small note prepared by his son at the scene: "Mom, come on, I support you! The second place is also very good! "
Mothers see their children's emotions in their daily lives, and children learn to understand their parents and become warm-hearted little angels.
In their spare time, Fu Seoul's family held a "family sports meeting" at home, where they played basketball, table tennis and changed money ... The winner finally mastered the right to distribute housework.
No playground? The desk can also be turned into a ping-pong table; Can't fight? Mom and dad give lectures on the spot.
If you want to win the championship, your posture must be handsome!
The award ceremony is also indispensable. After the new head of the family is born, I will reward myself for not doing my homework today and arrange for my father to press my mother's feet. ......
Games are children's first language. In the process of happy interaction between parents and children, it not only gives children a happy childhood, but also draws them closer.
For parent-child relationship, Fu Seoul has his own unique description: "Parent-child relationship is like underwear, everything is different, appearance is not important, the most important thing is comfort."
If the core of education is parent-child relationship, then a good parent-child relationship is to see children's emotions, empathize with children's feelings and give them what they need most. No matter what kind of parent-child interaction, what makes children feel happy is the best.
What kind of person is the happiest?
There is a study in Harvard University: What kind of people are most likely to get happiness in life?
After four generations of researchers and 75 years of tracking the lives of 724 people, the final conclusion is that good interpersonal relationships make people happier and healthier.
A parent who knows how to love life and himself, and a pair of parents who can manage their emotions well, can naturally become good friends with their children and set a good example for them, and education will naturally succeed.
The literary master Mark Twain once said:
Time flies and life is short, so don't waste time arguing, apologizing, being sad and blaming. Take time to love, even for a moment, and don't live up to it.
Whether this moment is barren, boring or rich and interesting, the choice is always in our hands. The key lies in how we choose to treat ourselves, how to manage our emotions, and how to maintain the balance of the "triangle relationship" in our family.
202 1-08-03 18: 06 Yin Jianli Parent School
Take the baby to an open audition class of an art training class on weekends. I thought if the children liked it, we would sign up.
But in the end, he was disappointed because the teacher said these two words in class:
"Do you know why your painting is not good? Because your painting is still very shallow. "
"Next class, you have to draw with the teacher ... you need to put pen to paper, and you need to master the complete balance of colors."
Even my daughter couldn't help complaining on her way home: this teacher is so boring!
Think about the meaning of drawing before you take the pen. If it doesn't make sense, then don't draw it?
Considering the atmosphere, fullness, balance ... when will your idea be considered?
In just two sentences, there is a big "pit"-the pursuit of meaning before the start, the consideration of rules after the start, meaningless and irregular, and then forced transformation.
Doing this kind of thing a few times more will kill children's talent, creativity and interest.
The bird entered the cage.
It is not uncommon to "educate" children with their own experiences and restrict their free play.
Once I took my daughter to play and met a little boy building blocks. First, I built a house, and then I drew a "semicircle" next to it. Then I shouted happily to my grandmother: "Grandma, look, this is a trap I set!" "
Grandma took a look and removed the building blocks put by the boy to help him put them back: "The trap is a deep well. How did this happen? " You piled it wrong ... "
The boy cried at once, and grandma was unhappy after seeing it: "What are you crying for? I'm helping you. Do you know what a trap is? Who would set a trap at home? You should be a well, and this well is quite deep. You have to have water ... "
The boy shouted angrily to his grandmother, "Go away, I don't need your help!" " "
Later, I vaguely heard the boy mutter "Cameli Duo". It happened that my daughter had read this picture book, so she asked: Are you catching birds in this trap?
It turned out that Cameli Duo (a little cock) was once trapped in a bird trap (an inverted bamboo basket), and the little boy was using this semicircle to simulate an inverted bamboo basket.
The boy was so surprised that he stopped crying in an instant and played with us in tears.
After a while, the little boy had a good time and called "Grandma …" as if to say something.
As a result, my grandmother's anger came: "What do you want me to do? Don't look for me! "
I couldn't help choking up when I looked at the little boy's face about to cry again. This situation has been repeated several times for him. Grandma's "trap" trapped the child's excellent abstract thinking ability.
Not only that, in grandma's eyes, the child will become a "crying, disobedient and grumpy" child. I never thought that these were caused by myself, and I will try to "reform" in the future. ...
"Pearl" is covered with dust.
A friend, a psychological counselor, participated in a public welfare psychological counseling activity in a primary school.
She met a first-year boy, and the class teacher commented on him as: introverted and unwilling to communicate with others; If you don't like learning, your grades can't keep up.
In the process of consultation, the class teacher participates in the whole process, hoping that through consultation, the children can reflect and change.
At first, the boy stared at the strange consultant and didn't want to talk much, but he answered the question politely.
Until talking about the boy's favorite science class, the child suddenly opened the box-children especially like reading science and nature stories, ants, dinosaurs, insects-eating grass ... The child spoke vividly and danced, and the class teacher on the side could not help but be surprised.
Who says such children don't want to communicate with others and don't like learning?
But after looking at the teacher in charge of the class, the little guy bowed his head and said that he didn't study well and always failed in the exam ... The so-called "grades can't keep up" just failed in the exam.
At the end of the consultation, it was not the child who changed, but the class teacher-looking at the smart and lovely child in the consultation process and imagining him sitting in the classroom silently, the class teacher felt ashamed:
Shame for not having enough patience to find the child's flash;
It is a shame to always judge by narrow, single and self-righteous standards;
What is even more shameful is that I always thought that "it is this child who needs to be reformed."
A hundred flowers blossom, each with its own strong points, but all of them must be printed in the same mold, and the appearance is standardized, which is the fine product, otherwise it is the defective product.
Children who were originally shining with pearls and jade luster were covered with a layer of gray by dogmatic standards; Educators wake up in time and have a chance to dust themselves off, otherwise, children will face the dilemma of being crushed to pieces.
The trapped beast eats itself.
When children are young, the single rigid rules and regulations are-the moon must be round, the river must be blue, and good children must get good grades and be lively and outgoing. ...
When the children grow up, these solidified standards will become: there is no hope for boys to learn literature, and girls are embarrassed to learn theory. They must be admitted to universities and civil servants ... Listen to the road I arranged for you and live according to my wishes.
Adults who don't care about small problems, don't reflect, and finally have big problems.
For example, once a tramp exploded on the Internet.
He used to have a decent and stable job in the audit office of a first-tier city. He is knowledgeable and has a certain social status, which is a successful child in the eyes of many parents.
However, he finally gave up all the aura and chose to be a tramp, because all this was not what he wanted.
When he was a child, he liked painting and reading books on literature and history, and wanted to study China or international politics.
However, his father strongly opposed his hobby, limited him with his own standards and reformed him.
Finally, at the strong request of his father, he chose auditing and entered the auditing bureau after graduation.
He was forced to embark on a road he didn't like, which made it difficult for him to adapt. So a few years after graduation, he left home, left his work unit and began to wander alone.
It is not impossible for him to take responsibility for himself, correct the road and live the life he wants, but he has chosen this wandering life now, more likely because he has been trapped in a "desperate situation" for too long, and he prefers self-destruction to severe revenge.
"You see, I can meet your standards, but I'm not as good as you want!"
Someone once asked an old teacher who had been teaching for more than 20 years: "You have been teaching for more than 20 years. What is the saddest thing? "
The teacher replied, "I just watched those gifted children become mediocre one by one."
This kind of thing has been happening:
Some children just show a strong interest in something, and they are arbitrarily denied by adults: meaningless and irregular.
Some children's talents are budding, but because of the limited vision of adults, they are eager for quick success and instant benefit, and they are obliterated by interests and go to the other extreme.
Some children may have unlimited potential in art and sports, but because their parents want TA to have a stable job and a stable life in the secular sense, they live a mediocre life.
Those who are good at it are not allowed to do it, and those who don't like it are forced to learn. How many "swift horses" have no time to run, they first "discount one leg" and limp on the planned road, but they can't help but give up on themselves.
If you can't be Bole, don't be a stumbling block.
When I was a child, adults always added a sentence at the end: "This story tells us a truth of XX ..."
The Race between the Tortoise and the Rabbit is "Don't be complacent, persistence is victory";
"wolf" means "lying will lose trust";
The little match girl is "compassionate and caring for the weak"
……
These truths have been circulating for a long time, extremely correct and irrefutable. After a long time, when we meet the same thing, a shaped answer naturally pops up in our mind.
Sometimes we limit children's thinking and destroy their talents. It's really unintentional, but we may be trapped ourselves, and then we look for a sword in the child:
For example, grandma who insists that "traps can't be like wells";
For example, teachers who think that "good students must be outgoing and lively, and their scores will double";
For example, parents who insist that "writing articles has no way out, or choosing a major that is easy to find a job is more reliable".
Children who have not yet formed a mindset can always find different highlights and highlights. From the perspective of ta, we can't help but feel that "it can still be like this":
The tortoise in The Race between the Tortoise and the Rabbit is too confident to agree to race with the rabbit. Winning is luck. The tortoise didn't meet the proud rabbit, but it was the tortoise who lost. You still have to know yourself.
The children in Wolf must be very lonely. Without family, they will tell such silly lies to amuse themselves, so adults should spend more time with their children.
Why does the little match girl feel sorry for herself when she is frustrated? She can ask for help, she can knock on doors, and maybe she will meet a kind person to take her in.
When you open your heart, you will find that children, like these stories, have their own wonderful and meaningful stories in different details and aspects.
Those children who are happy and successful in the end are not supported by a set of dogmas, but find their own way.
For us, it is more important than paving the road blindly. Don't forget to always look at the evaluation criteria we hold tightly and be an adult who doesn't matter.
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Brief introduction of the author
Broken, the original content editor of Yin Jianli Parent School, records my unconstrained style with the world.