Do ashamed ghosts often visit you?
Consider the following statements and judge whether they are "true" or "false" according to your own situation.
Really? deceiver
I think of my past failures and rejections from time to time.
I often feel inferior.
Generally speaking, I hate myself.
I never liked the way I looked.
I am particularly sensitive to criticism.
When criticized, I will blame others.
I'm nervous in public.
I am shy in the eyes of others.
I always doubt myself.
If most statements are judged to be "true", then you are likely to feel a strong sense of shame. You are very picky about yourself. You're always worried about rejection.
Shame is the fear of being accused or considered bad. Shame is to feel that you are an outsider, rejected, excluded and have no sense of belonging. Shame is that you feel embarrassed and self-loathing because something bad about yourself has been seen. Shame makes us feel worthless and unworthy of love.
"Shame is an attack on yourself."
People who are easily shy are especially troubled by negative "self". Such people will automatically and spontaneously degrade themselves in various situations. There is a voice in their hearts that keeps ringing: "I can't do these things well", "people obviously don't like me", "I know everyone hates me", "I must have done something wrong", "I am inferior to others" or "I don't deserve it" and so on. Shame is an attack on oneself; Because of shame, we are embarrassed about things we can't control, such as the color of our hair, not driving the "right" car and not being able to afford the most fashionable clothes.
Anyone who cares too much about others' negative comments on himself, whether real or imagined, is easy to be ashamed. Public places (a typical example is speaking in public) will aggravate the sense of shame. In fact, if people pay attention to it, they will be evaluated and criticized. However, some people will be more critical of themselves when they are noticed. Like Conrad, the former German Chancellor? Adenauer once said, "Thick skin is a gift from God." Teamwork is a great challenge for people who are easily shy.
Shame is closely related to low self-esteem, because both of them are related to negative self-awareness. Dealing with these negative self-perceptions can be very painful and embarrassing. No wonder shy people try their best to protect themselves from others. A common strategy is to avoid public places. Another common strategy is to attack and make fun of others to deny their deep inferiority. This strategy is very destructive, especially in the team.
More complicated, shame may be mixed with other negative emotions, such as fear, anger, sadness, vulnerability, pity and helplessness. Shame is also related to anger, aggression (including domestic violence), substance abuse, eating disorders, depression and even suicide. Unfortunately, those who are easily ashamed, instead of trying to deal with these reactions constructively, fall into the quagmire of self-degradation.
As these correlations show, the pain caused by shame will affect our health. A mountain of evidence shows that this kind of mental stress can even aggravate cardiovascular diseases and weaken the immune system, which shows that the influence of shame is very bad.
"In fact, guilt makes us feel noble."
Shame points inward and guilt points outward. Both of them have an impact on group dynamics. Shame and guilt are closely related, but they are essentially different. We are ashamed of ourselves, but we feel guilty for what we have done. Guiltily say "I didn't do it well"; Shame says "I'm not good"; Guilt says "I did something wrong"; Shame said, "I was wrong." Shame is trying to hide what others think is "bad", but these feelings are not exposed. On the other hand, guilt means wanting to apologize, make amends and be forgiven for what you have done. As seneca, an ancient Roman politician, philosopher and tragic writer, once said, "Everyone who feels guilty is his own executioner". Guilt can be considered as a more moral and adaptive coping style. In fact, guilt makes us feel noble. It urges us to say "I'm sorry". In order to get rid of guilt, we repent; However, in order to get rid of shame, we hide it. Therefore, shame and guilt may sometimes push us in the opposite direction.
Here, the family script comes into play again. Children learn moral and emotional styles from their parents or other caregivers. From the perspective of family system, we can see that the intergenerational transmission, that is, the tendency of shame or guilt, will be passed from parents to children through direct example process or other forms of identification process. Society, through parents, teachers, friends, colleagues or religious leaders, intentionally or unintentionally buried a strong desire to feel ashamed or guilty in our hearts-I really want to feel ashamed or guilty for what happened in my early years.
In the family and cultural background, repeated humiliation often leads to shame. If children are often humiliated and laughed at in the process of growing up, and their needs are always unsatisfied, they are likely to ask themselves, "What did I do wrong? Why do you treat me like this?" They will doubt that they are worthless and unworthy of love. These experiences often become fertile ground for breeding shame tendencies. Children who are repeatedly humiliated are likely to be either too active or closed-minded Because they are afraid of exposing their bad side, they either take the initiative to humiliate others or shrink their heads. These feelings will still haunt you when you grow up.
Some people come from families that give their children great responsibilities when they are very young. The disadvantage of this is that children will show the following tendencies all their lives: a little mistake-after being noticed by authoritative figures (parents, teachers, bosses, etc.). )-it will also cause a sense of failure and guilt, leading to a decline in self-worth
Even culture can be divided into shame-oriented culture and guilt-oriented culture. A society that relies heavily on public punishment is more likely to inject shame into children; A society that relies heavily on private punishment is more likely to inject guilt into children. Many non-western cultures emphasize self-reliance (the part related to group identity), which makes it easier to cultivate shame tendency; Western culture emphasizes the independent self (the part that has nothing to do with group identity), which makes it easier to cultivate guilt.
Shame tendency and guilt tendency will play an important role in the group background. Managers with a strong sense of shame or guilt are hard to be fired. In order to change this mode, the key is to create a safe space. People who are prone to shame or guilt are willing to relax their vigilance and participate freely only when they feel safe. However, if such a safe atmosphere is not created, no matter who is the team coach, there will be serious resistance.
This abstract is selected from The Hedgehog Effect: The Secret of Building a High Performance Team (Oriental Publishing House).
About hedgehog effect;
Schopenhauer told a fable about hedgehogs. It is said that a group of hedgehogs want to stay together to keep warm in winter, but they will be stung if they get close, and they will feel cold if they are separated. After repeated attempts, hedgehogs found that in order not to be hurt and to feel a little warm, they must keep a certain distance. In the organizational environment, we can also see the plight of this hedgehog. How close should people get? How many hearts can we open? How close is enough? When do you need to set up isolation belts? If we are too open, we may expose our weaknesses, and when we feel ashamed and make mistakes, we will be more vulnerable. This difficult mystery-we need to be close and keep our distance-is the root of the problem that people can't work smoothly in organizations and teams. In the book Hedgehog Effect: The Secret of Building a High-performance Team, Manfred elaborated on this issue deeply and in detail, teaching you how to solve the paradox and build a truly dynamic organization. This is a masterpiece of theory and practice on how to establish a high-performance organization, which is particularly important for today's global organizations. This book provides a detailed operation guide for group coaches, and also provides many practical cases. This book is a good database and practical manual for managers, human resources experts and managers' coaches.
He is the first flying fish in outer Mongolia, and he is a member of new york Adventure Club. In your spare time, you can find him in the tropical rain forest or savanna in Central Africa, Siberian coniferous forest, Arnhem land, Pamirs, Altai Plateau or Arctic Circle.
Many people are studying the dynamics of leadership, personal transformation and organizational change, but Manfred's perspective is quite unique. Manfred has an interdisciplinary academic background, including economics background (Ph.D. in Economics, University of Amsterdam), management background (Harvard Business School, participant of international teacher program, MBA, doctor of business administration) and psychoanalysis background (member of Canadian Psychoanalytic Association and International Psychoanalytic Association), so he can find his own unique research perspective in the cross field of business management, psychoanalysis, psychotherapy and dynamic psychiatry. He has made remarkable achievements in leadership, career dynamics, pressure from managers, entrepreneurship, family business, succession planning, cross-cultural management, team building and personal and organizational transformation and change.
Manfred is the author, co-author or editor of more than 30 books, including Sex, Money, Happiness and Death, Leadership on the Sofa, The Mystery of Leadership, The Supreme Prisoner, The Tyrant in the Attic, The World Stop, I want to get off the bus, The Organization of Capable People on the Cliff, and Are Leaders Born?