A few years ago, Guangdong Family Magazine invited me to participate in the essay activity of "Men Need Care", and I immediately realized that this is a very modern and difficult topic. Really, the annual March 8th Festival always calls for social care and protection of women, but there is no festival or opportunity to remind society to care for men. Fortunately, with the activity of "Men's Health Day", the situation has changed slightly.
In the competitive market economy era, all kinds of invisible forces are controlling our life voyage. On the surface, it seems that everyone is pursuing freedom and galloping freely; But in fact, what people feel is a kind of intimidation, a kind of drive, a kind of involuntarily, a kind of choice. Men are more stressed than women. Because women can retreat more or less and pin their hopes on a successful man; On the other hand, the big man is always fighting back. Since ancient times, men have to support their families and hold their heads high. Men have no face to rely on women. The challenge of market economy to men is unprecedented: poor management, lost competition, workplace accidents, corporate losses and so on. Almost all the top leaders who have been held accountable are men. "Heroes should be heroes!" A big man can't be wronged. However, after all, a big man is also a human being and a flesh and blood born from his mother's womb. If the pressure on him exceeds the limit of his life, he will collapse!
A boss in Shenzhen lamented in the psychological counseling room: "Now men seem to be on the assembly line, and you can't stop every minute." The requirements of society for men (in fact, men's requirements for men) are enough, asking them to be strong and brave, worthy of a man, and asking them to hold their heads high and show their majestic posture; And women want to add requirements to men; Be tolerant and considerate in front of your wife or girlfriend; I love working at home, and I am more "eye-catching" in front of my mother-in-law ... God, how can a person be so perfect? That's how my buddy was defeated. "The boss went to see a psychiatrist many times when he was depressed, but he kept it strictly confidential to his family and employees, pretending as if nothing had happened.
In fact, the misfortune of men lies in being too "calm" and too "watertight". They want to make gestures to others, so they lack a flesh-and-blood self and a real life. A "great man" should show "manhood" to himself, his friends, his family and society all his life. They should play a "model" role from morning till night, and they can't show it no matter how tired or bitter they are. "Men don't cry" and "Men don't talk much" have been praised as "virtues" of men for generations. However, it is this "virtue" that harms both men and women. The media keeps reporting two kinds of news about men, one is peach and the other is black.
The psychological explanation of men's erotic news is quite intriguing. Men's closed hearts also have desires and hopes; A lonely and helpless man will also eagerly seek the caress of women, as if seeking a "surrogate mother". Once he has satisfied his emotional "food and clothing", he will immediately rush to the competitive world. No wonder women complain that men's love is "easy come and go", and men's hearts are like "seesaws". In the backward social, economic and cultural environment in the past, women always rely on men as the whole sea, while men just want to have a rest as a small harbor; Women want love to be a never-ending banquet, but men regard love as a "fast food" to fill their hunger. How many heartbreakers and how many "Chen Shimei", its psychological causes are not mysterious; Women need a sense of security, and men need a monument to success. In this way, the psychological contradictions and emotional conflicts between men and women lasted for centuries, resulting in many short-lived love and unfortunate marriages.
The psychological difference between men and women is not entirely caused by physiological structure, but has its profound social and cultural reasons. For thousands of years, the cultural barrier of "men are masters outside, women are masters inside" has prevented women from showing their wisdom, talent, courage and fortitude, and at the same time deprived men of the right to express humility and warmth. When the boy grows up, he wants to say goodbye to his parents and travel around the world to make a living. When a girl grows up, it is up to men to do housework and have children for her. Men can't show the greatness of fatherly love in the family, but women can confidently express the warmth of maternal love. Men are so arrogant that they can't accompany their wives in labor pains, witness the birth of babies and appreciate the joy of creating their own lives.
As for the black news, it means that men lose their health or even die in the cruel professional struggle, and the reasons are more complicated than the peach news. We should start with the socialization of boys and the role of fathers.
In the modern society with fierce competition, fathers spend too much time on their careers, and the chances of contact with their children seem to be getting less and less, which has become a prominent problem in the growth of children. The research on the process of children's socialization shows that both boys and girls need thousands of hours of contact with mature and healthy men to grow into healthy adults. The social environment for boys is particularly unfavorable now. He can't learn to be a man around healthy men, but he can only accept feminization for a long time, and the result is the lack of charm of mature men. Psychologists even point out that boys are "father-loving and thirsty", that is, when boys reach adolescence, they tend to alienate or even hate their fathers, which is mixed with disappointment and bitterness of not getting father's love; He blindly tried all possible remedies, including smoking, drinking and even indulging or taking drugs. Longing for fatherly love is the deepest and most urgent psychological need of boys. The boy stays with his father to cultivate a sense of security in the world around him and confidence in the future. Psychologists believe that fatherly love is the starting point to help boys move towards health.
In recent years, from the health of boys to the health of men as a whole, it has become a topic of concern to the world, not only because the disasters of violence and war have seriously affected men's lives, but also because of the violent attacks on men by lifestyle and social trends. Please look at the following facts: the average life expectancy of men is 46 years shorter than that of women; Too many male marriages fail (70% of urban divorce cases are "divorced" by women); 90% violent crimes are committed by men, and among the victims, men account for more than 70%; Among middle school students, 90% are boys, and more than 80% of them drop out of school with poor academic performance. The suicide rate and murder rate of men are higher than that of women. According to an American statistic, in 1920, the average death age of American men was only one year earlier than that of women, but by 1990, the average death age of American men was seven years earlier than that of women. This is a sad number. Experts who study male psychology point out that men are under three major pressures: 1. Chewing loneliness; 2. Forced to compete; 3. Fear of showing feelings. Indeed, the psychological cost, emotional cost, health cost and even life cost paid by men to cope with social pressure and their own lifestyle have been ignored by society for too long and covered up by men themselves for too long. Not long ago, the boss of a famous listed company died suddenly at the age of 50. This incident has aroused people's reflection and vigilance on the title of "successful person"
Another health problem is the decline of men's sexual ability. Recently, I read the news on the Internet that more than 40 million adult men and women in the United States are troubled by low sexual desire or asexual marriage. Sex therapists and lawyers who deal with divorce cases have noticed that more and more middle-aged men have little interest and ability to have sex with their wives because of physical or psychological problems, but sexual interest and ability are usually regarded as signs of masculinity. Men who can't prove their masculinity are often embarrassed to talk about it, let alone ask a counselor for help. A wife tortured by her husband's impotence is naturally painful and even angry. They find their married life inexplicably boring and boring. In this case, the risk of wife cheating or divorce is greatly increased.
It used to be that the wife was dissatisfied with her husband because of her low sexual desire or lack of interest in sex life. Now her husband is the object of her complaint. Wives are unwilling to endure asexual marriage silently, and this change has attracted the attention of sex therapists. In recent years, many doctors have recommended Viagra to men, but the situation has not improved much. Some people think that the magic pill "Viagra" will make men "rejuvenate". As we all know, "Viagra" sometimes quietly damages the relationship between husband and wife. B. McCarthy, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and an expert in sex therapy, pointed out that men tried to stimulate their functions with Viagra, but drugs could not directly mobilize repressed sexual desire. It is a myth that men will get an erection after eating Viagra, and sexual desire will follow. It should be noted that Viagra can't help men to have a happy erection without the caress, care, participation and face-to-face stimulation from both sides. McCarthy also said that in the absence of sufficient prescription information, Viagra may also damage men's sexual desire and make men's sexual life more difficult.
Experts believe that men's lack of sexual desire is often greatly underestimated and misunderstood. According to Professor McCarthy's estimation, at least 20%-30% of men in the United States have low sexual desire and no sexual desire.
There are also cultural reasons for men's low sexual desire. Traditional culture believes that a healthy man must be a tough guy who can come at the call and fight when he comes. Men must be more interested in sex and have stronger ability than women. Actually, it's not. Many men's desire for sex is actually encouraged and supported by the woman's interest. Especially when men reach the age of 40, their sexual function has changed greatly, and the phenomenon of happy erection has decreased when they are young. When they fail to have sex for the first time, they will feel anxious, so that things will get worse later. Men don't know that the loss of sexual desire is a natural and normal change process, but they think that they really have problems. They were afraid to confess this to their wives, so they had to find an excuse to "fade out" the bedroom. Some men go to eat Viagra, and some men go to inappropriate places to seek fresh excitement, thinking that this can restore sexual desire, "revive the glory" and prove that they are still men. But none of these methods can make men get what they want, and it is more likely to break out in marriage war.
Recent scientific research has confirmed that the decrease of testosterone and other hormones in men aged 40 to 55 will affect their sexual desire and interest. Some chronic diseases, taking medicine, drinking, smoking, etc. , may affect the interest in sex. The reasons for the decline in male sexual interest are nervousness, stress, anxiety, impaired self-esteem and so on. These situations are often experienced by middle-aged men in their career and life.
Therefore, to solve the problem of low sexual desire or "impotence" in men, it is really impossible to take a simple method of taking Viagra. Experts suggest that most men's sexual problems should be solved as marriage problems. Therefore, both sides must be invited to participate in sexual therapy for men. There are many ways to help middle-aged couples improve their sexual life, mainly through the interaction between husband and wife, to eliminate and reduce negative emotions such as blame, shame and guilt, completely change the emotional atmosphere of husband and wife relationship, and let men know themselves and regain their confidence.
In short, men's health problems, including sexual health, should attract the attention of society, families and men themselves. "Push the car even if it doesn't fall down" is not a proper encouragement to men, but an unfairness to men. "Big men need more care" should be a kind of social common sense.