This book starts with 22 questions to see if you are a neglected "child"
The author criticizes parents who neglect their children when they don't come up, but asks everyone to face them with an open and accepting attitude and not feel guilty [Sun] [Sun] [Sun]
Types of parents leading to emotional neglect
1) narcissistic parents
(the child went to please and beg for mercy in every way, saying that I was wrong, and I changed, but my parents were still unmoved! )
2) Authoritarian parents
3) doting parents
4) Divorced/widowed parents
Recently, widowed marriage and widowed education abound! )
5) Addicted parents
6) Depressed parents
Workaholic parents
8) Take care of parents of injured family members.
When you see a very young child, you should always start doing housework and take care of your sick grandma and dad. We always think that such children are too sensible! But the author writes that these very mature children are particularly prone to collapse during adolescence, and he will easily go to the other extreme. Because a person can't just give what he doesn't get, and the love he gets in his body is simply not enough. @ This is really unexpected)
9) Achievement/Perfect Parents
10) antisocial parents
1 1) Children are parents.
12) is for your parents.
[Bomb] [Bomb] [Bomb] What about neglected children?
1)? hole
2) Anti-dependence
3) unrealistic self-evaluation
4) Don't feel sorry for yourself
5) Guilt
6) It is considered to have fatal defects.
7) Poor self-restraint ability
8) Suicide
[Lightning] [Lightning] [Lightning] How does it change?
Study? Monitor one's feelings
Just pay attention to your emotions ~
? Treat children as independent individuals! ! ! Don't regard children as an extension of yourself, as your own tools, as people who realize their dreams! * * * Encourage
Many difficulties in growing up actually stem from the lack of emotional connection between early parents (or important caregivers):
For example, when you grow up, you can't rely on others and never learn to love yourself. You feel inferior, you firmly believe that you have fatal defects and are not worthy of love, and you feel empty, moody and irritable, all of which are related to the emotional neglect you suffered in your childhood.
The author, Dr. Weber, is a pioneer in the field of "childhood emotional neglect". He believes that the so-called emotional neglect means that your parents may have given you enough material life, but they also neglected the emotional interaction, affection and continuous attention with you.
Through this book, you can know what behaviors of parents caused emotional neglect in childhood, what negative effects will it have on you, and how to regain motivation, enhance self-confidence and learn to care for yourself.
If you are an adult who suffers from emotional neglect, this book can help you gradually master the emotional skills that you failed to cultivate in childhood, get out of the emotional vacuum, help you learn to care for yourself and find the value of self-existence;
If you are a parent, this book can help you correct parenting behavior, end the vicious circle of generations, and raise emotionally mature and mentally healthy children;
If you are a psychological counselor, this book can provide effective tools and operating methods, so that you can better understand these visitors who suffer from emotional neglect.
In short, because of the emotional neglect in childhood, you always ignore your own needs. This book provides practical and effective self-care methods, and there are many practical forms and tools that you can practice.
Pioneer in the field of childhood emotional neglect, doctor of clinical psychology, clinical practice for nearly 30 years. At present, a private clinic has been opened in Lexington, Massachusetts, which specializes in treating emotional neglect of individuals, couples and families.
He is the author of several bestsellers, including Neglected Children: How to Overcome Emotional Neglect in Childhood, Neglected Children 2: Improving Your Relationship with Your Partner, Parents and Children, etc.
Fine color selection section
1. If a child is not sure of his importance to his parents, and if he is often ashamed that he needs the attention of his parents, then he will become a person who ignores his emotional needs when he grows up.
Parents without empathy are like people operating rusty instruments in a dark room. Think about it and be afraid.
3. As children, like small computers, they accept the feedback from the environment, store it in their memories, synthesize all kinds of feedback, and develop a set of cognition about their skills, talents, defects and deficiencies.
4. Every emotion carries the information that the body wants to convey to us, no matter how strange it looks. This book will let us know a new psychological phenomenon. We have never talked about this before. This is called emotional neglect.
A pair of parents may take care of their children, but they are emotionally neglected. So, if you don't know what emotional neglect is, you don't even know whether what you are doing is right or wrong.
The second is that if these children have been neglected emotionally, once they have caused psychological trauma, their pain is very incomprehensible. It is very painful for a person to keep questioning himself in silence, as long as he keeps finding his own faults and problems and thinks that he has unforgivable shortcomings and mistakes.
First of all, you sometimes feel out of place with your family and friends.
Second, I am proud of not relying on others. Is that I am independent and don't have to rely on anyone.
Third, I don't like to ask others for help, and I have something to do.
Fourth, friends or family members will complain that you are cold and distant.
Fifth, you feel that you have not discovered your potential in life.
Sixth, I often want to be alone.
Seventh, I secretly feel that I may be a liar.
Eighth, you will feel uncomfortable in social situations.
Ninth, always disappointed or angry with yourself.
Tenth, be stricter with yourself than others.
Eleventh, compare yourself with others and feel that you are not as good as others.
Twelfth, you prefer animals to people.
Thirteenth, I am often irritated and unhappy for no reason.
Fourteenth, I don't know what it feels like.
Fifth, you can't tell your own advantages and disadvantages.
Sixteenth, sometimes I feel like a bystander.
The seventeenth. I believe that I am the kind of person who can live a hermit life easily.
Eighteenth, it's hard to calm yourself down.
Nineteenth, I always feel that something is holding you back so that you can't live in the present.
Twentieth, you will feel empty inside.
Twenty-one, vaguely feel that there is a problem.
Twenty-second, it is difficult to self-discipline.
If most of your answers to these 22 questions are "yes", then you have probably experienced the symptoms of emotional neglect. I also think a few questions are "yes", but my answer to most questions is "no". So it doesn't matter.
Here are some warnings.
The first warning is that imperfect parents are not necessarily emotionally neglected parents. Even if there are many parents, they may not have good educational methods, but they are not necessarily emotionally neglected parents.
Parents who are emotionally neglected have two most important points: First, they are neglected in times of major crisis.
Second, it was ignored in a very important place. That is, this child may be very important in a long term, his moral quality, or his interpersonal communication, his learning ability, his ability to write a composition and so on. A very important aspect has been neglected by parents for a long time and can be divided into two symptoms: acute emotional failure and chronic emotional failure.
The second is not to feel guilty. We must first face such symptoms with an open and accepting attitude.
Healthy parents have three very important characteristics:
The first characteristic is that he has emotional connection with children.
The second characteristic is that healthy parents regard their children as independent individuals.
The third feature is that parents will respond to their children's emotional needs.
A large part of this book summarizes 12 kinds of parents who cause emotional neglect.
The first kind of parents who cause emotional neglect: narcissistic parents. We talked about a book called the fetters of maternal love. There is an article devoted to the influence of narcissistic parents on their daughters. In particular, the narcissistic mother's harm and control to her daughter is lifelong.
Have you ever seen parents who hold grudges? That is, parents say I won't talk to you if I don't talk to you, and children try their best to please and beg for mercy, saying that I was wrong and I changed, but parents are unmoved. It is the characteristic of narcissistic parents that he punishes children like this. His usual tactics are anger or neglect. The subtext of this kind of parents is that children are an extension of themselves. This is the first kind of parents who are prone to emotional neglect-narcissism.
The second kind of parents who cause emotional neglect: authoritarian parents.
Three types of parents causing emotional neglect: doting parents.
Four types of parents causing emotional neglect: divorced/widowed parents. Divorce/widowhood does not mean that divorce or widowhood is not enough. Fifth: Addicted parents.
Six types of parents causing emotional neglect: depressed parents. Depression is characterized by the lack of energy and enthusiasm of parents themselves, and then they don't exist, that is, it seems that there is no such person at all, and there is a complete lack of comfort for children.
Seven types of parents causing emotional neglect: workaholic parents. These children will think that I am not important at all, and my life is worthless. It is very important that people who commit crimes with their lives are people with low self-worth.
Parents who cause emotional neglect: parents who take care of injured family members. These children who are very mature at a young age are particularly prone to collapse during adolescence, that is, after puberty, they will easily go to the other extreme. Because a person can't just give what he doesn't get, and the love he gets in his body is simply not enough. This is the crisis caused by taking care of the injured family members.
Parental types causing emotional neglect 9: accomplished/perfect parents. It is these parents who are never satisfied, always anxious, always fidgety and always perfectionist.
Types of parents causing emotional neglect 10: antisocial parents. For such parents, we talked about antisocial personality, which is an unhealthy disease. He will control the children with cruel manipulation.
It is to make this child feel extremely painful by means of guilt, because my parents have no guilt, and my parents think that I have achieved my goal. This is the tenth kind.
Eleven types of parents causing emotional neglect: children are parents.
Twelve types of parents who cause emotional neglect: parents who are "all for your own good"
The first symptom is emptiness. Emptiness itself is not a disease. It's not like anxiety or depression. Most people don't think these discomforts are symptoms that interfere with their lives.
We say that the opposite of happiness is not misfortune, but numbness. The feeling of emptiness is a feeling of numbness, which is the first symptom.
The second is called anti-dependence. The typical feature of anti-dependence is the fear of relying on others, that is, the feeling of growing up alone, that is, what happened to Dont Ask For Help. You can't even ask your friends about it. There is no fourth interpersonal relationship.
If you have heard of the strength of others, you will know that he does not have such social support, and he does everything alone. Signs and signals of anti-dependence are as follows:
Then the third is unrealistic self-evaluation. It is that many people, especially women, especially like to belittle themselves. They have a low opinion of themselves. Obviously you are fine, but you are trying to lose weight and are in a bad mood.
Unrealistic signs and signals of self-evaluation
The fifth symptom is guilt and shame. Sometimes you feel depressed, sad or angry for no reason, and sometimes you feel emotionally numb. You have a feeling that something is wrong. You think you are different from others. You tend to suppress your emotions or avoid them. You try to hide your emotions so that others won't notice. You will feel inferior to others, and you have no reason to live so unhappy. This is what we call guilt and shame.
The sixth kind is easier to understand, and it is called being angry with yourself and blaming yourself. Many people have it. In fact, sometimes I think, don't be so perfect, just follow the trend, almost enough. Gradually improve your growth mentality, and you will forgive yourself more easily.
The seventh is to think that you have a fatal flaw, that is, you can't let others know something, and you always feel that you are very dark in one aspect.
The eighth is called it's hard to care about yourself and others.
Then there is poor self-restraint, that is, children who are neglected by emotions have poor self-restraint ability. Look at those rebellious children who are racing in the street or taking drugs. Basically, this symptom at home is either that parents are too busy and don't care about them at all, or they are spoiled by their parents, or they are grumpy and often beaten.
Another term is alexithymia. What is alexithymia? Speaking Mandarin means that you can't speak it well. This kind of person gets angry as soon as he opens his mouth, that is, he often gets angry for no reason. A serious symptom is suicide. In most suicides, it is not easy for a person to give up his life. It must be accumulated over time that this will happen. This is a problem caused by emotional neglect. I get it now.
So what about the third block? How to solve this problem?
The first resistance lies in our wrong expectation of change. From today on, you can slowly interact with your child in the right way, with love, with non-violent communication and with emotional guidance, so that you can see the child change little by little.
We can't expect too much, which will lead you to give up faster.
The second obstacle is escape.
The third is discomfort, which means discomfort.
But if you refuse this uncomfortable process, you think it's not me, it's not me, let me be myself, I like loneliness, then you will never change. This is discomfort.
The fourth very important resistance comes from our ignorance of emotions. Every emotion comes to you, and it acts as a messenger. It sends you a message. He wants to tell you something. If people ignore emotions, you will get sick, depressed, lose energy, lose your temper, feel empty and have bad interpersonal relationships. Therefore, the connection between people makes our life valuable, and emotion is a very important messenger in the connection between people.
To understand these four laws, we should first remove the obstacles to change, and then see how to do it.
First of all, we should learn to treat our emotions correctly. The first step is to learn to monitor our feelings. The first step is called consciousness. The second step is called accepting and trusting your feelings. The third is to learn to express feelings effectively. Then the fourth step is to know, understand and attach importance to the emotions in interpersonal relationships. The best practice place here, two places, one is friendship and the other is marriage. It's you and your best friend, it's you and your friends, and then it's you and your marriage partner. They try to identify emotions, then talk about them and express them. You can observe your emotions, and you can also let the other person perceive your emotions.
Learn these four tricks, care for yourself, improve your restraint, comfort yourself and sympathize with yourself. At this time, you will find that we can gradually get rid of that neglected situation.
Finally, we talk about how to make this neglected problem end. Of course it's hard. How did it end up on earth? But if you want to make this neglected thing less and less in your family and your life, there are two very important grips.
The first is to attach importance to emotion, and the second is to regard children as independent individuals, not as their own extensions, their own tools and people who realize their dreams.